Please come in... take a seat... tell me about your mother ;)
OK... people are people and we all have our problems... so here is your chance to get a professionals opinion *smirk*
All you have to do is fill in the form below, submit your problem and I, Dr. Lee, will deal with it with sound and caring advice *chuckle*
And remember... Trust me... I'm a Doctor ;)
Come on... get em coming, this could turn out to be the funniest page ever ;)
|
FROM
|
PROBLEM
|
DR. LEE'S REPLY
|
DATE
|
|
|
|||
|
Fiona
|
I've got patriot legs........ RED,WHITE, and BLUE!!!! | Hmm... I would suggest that you cover them then... no one wants to see ugly legs. - Dr. Lee. |
19/8/99
|
|
Jody
|
dear doc i have this problem that i cant seem to getrid of where ever i go people seem to take the p**s out of me first they said i looked like crusty the clown so i got rid of my hair! but this did not help they still found other things to have a go at me what should i do? |
Hmmm... a tricky one here, you sound to me like you have it tough, maybe a poor upbringing from a balding father... maybe taunting from school children because you have a girlie name... but what I think it is is that you are just a sad tosser... anyone who resembles Krusty the Clown in anyway deserves everything that they get... what I suggest Mr. Jody is that you suck it up, cause it ain't gonna get any better!... oh and.. I believe it was actually me who got rid of your hair...bzzzzzz! - Dr. Lee. |
19/8/99
|
|
Annalise
|
Dear Dr Lee, My boyfriend only tells me he loves me after he's been drinking, how can i tell if he means it or if he just says it to get oral sex! Please Please help as my jaw is bloody killing!!!! |
Ahh... love... it's a funny old game... one minute you're up... the next you're down... then you get off and try again later... What I suggest for you here is almost the same as Mr.Jody above... suck it up. - Dr Lee. |
19/8/99
|
|
a hopeless romantic
|
Dear Dr. Lee, my husband keeps telling me that our sex life would be so much better if i screamed obscenities to him while we are making love. i asked him what he wanted me to say and he said whatever came to my mind...... i just worry that "that thing is so fucking small " is not really going to do it for him. please help me, any suggestions ?? |
Well... I think shouting that at him would almost completely destroy any self confidence and pride that your husband has, instead, I would suggest that you do as he asks, maybe something in the way of 'Bring a fucking mate with you next time!'... well, if you're going to destroy him.. make it a good one. - Dr. Lee |
20/8/99
|
|
Sammo
|
mmm...What's up Doc ? Well Doc,I am a bit embarassed but what the heck, nobody knows what I look like... so can you tell me why we human male species always wake up to the inconvenience ( definitely not a pleasure for me) of a penile erection every morning, what's the story behind this natural process and what remedy do you suggest to stop this besides amputation, castration or whatever you call it in medical terms... I mean I wouldn't want to wake up on a nudist beach in front of Japanese tourists snapping photos of me, you know... | Hmm... a 'hard' one here... as all males know, getting an errection during any occasion other that intimate ones is embarassing... So... my suggestion would be to stop perving at nude people on beaches and get one in a bed and put it to good use... Then... get married... you'll never have that problem again! - Dr. Lee |
20/8/99
|
|
Galena
|
Dear Dr. Lee, my fiance has a nasal problem and i'm practically tearing my hair out cos i can't sleep. some nights he snores so loudly he could replace a ships foghorn. short of kicking him in the spuds to shut him up and make him turn over i am at a loss as to what to do. please help!! |
Tender care is the key here... maybe bathing your fiance, then making him feel good physically and mentaly... then tenderly tell him to fuck off in the spare room! - Dr. Lee |
21/8/99
|
|
a quietlilthing
|
Dear Dr. Lee, HELP I feel so inadequate........whenever i think i have said something you absolutely have no chance of having an answer to .......you come back with something soooooooooooo much better.........smartarse;) |
Well, you don;'t get to the position i'm in without having something up your sleeve... in my case the position is horizontal and it's a bottle of tequilla up my sleeve... for medicinal purposes only of course, trust me, i'm a doctor - Dr. Lee |
26/8/99
|
|
a hopeless romantic
|
Dear Dr. Lee, My husband left me suddenly in the middle of a lovemaking session,( i swear i followed your advice about improving our love life) he says he isnt coming back ever, why do i keep picking the wrong men? please help me find the right man before i get old and fat and ugly and have to marry an american, god what a nightmare you know what they think a fanny is... dont you?? |
Ok, lets not panic!... obiously you just need to find a man who does have mates. - Dr.Lee |
27/8/99
|
|
Simple
|
Dear Dr. Lee, recently I unexpectedly met a friend, from up north, in the street. I was a little surprised to notice he was carrying a microwave. He said he'd been visiting a mutual friend. I didn't ask him about the microwave, but when he asked me to help load pillows and duvets into a car, I became a tad suspicious, especially since I knew he was travelling home by train! Should I confront him about this ? |
My advice would be no, pretend that you think everything is normal... then when you get the news that the mutual friend is pregnant you can pretend to be all surprised. - Dr Lee |
4/9/99
|
|
lovelorn
|
Dear Dr. Lee, I've been talking online to a man in Manchester for a month or so he wants to come here and for us to move in together, what would you advise, do you think he could be an axemurderer or might he be genuine? are all internet people freaks? |
Well, my views on foreigners are well documented in my numurous books, I would greatly advise against this action as he is probably squeeky, annoying and a Man Utd fan... it will all lead to trouble. And yes, all internet people are freaks, they can't be trusted at all and most have at least 11 fingers - Dr. Lee |
4/9/99
|
|
concerned
|
Dear Dr. Lee, my nephew thinks he's an agony aunt. He spends all his time answering letters, that frankly (and I tell you this I hope in all confidence) I think he makes up himself. I'm extremely worried about the situation, please hear my plea, and answer promptly !!! |
This seems very sad indeed, you can't 'pretend' to do the kind of things that us professionals do, it could have drastic effects on the decent people who write in for serious help... I would suggest that you talk to your nephew, maybe offer him a fairly large ammount of money so he can go out and get all of that out of his system. - Dr. Lee |
4/9/99
|
|
Jody
|
Dear Dr. Lee, can u tell me how i can get rid of this really cheesy grin that i get every time i go out or go on camp it is really quite annoying as it makes my cheaks hurt.I am wondering if it is some kinda infection cause it seems contagous, after a while all my friends around me seem to be affected in the same way!! please please please help i am at a loss as to what to do yours with an aching face |
Ahh, Mr Jody again, I will be able to retire early at this rate. I can indeed help you on this matter, the infection is technically known as hittintheganjaoncampitis, its extremely contagious and can have serious side effects like laughing, falling over and extreme hunger... my tip is to stop breathing, then you are sure not to catch this disease. - Dr. Lee |
9/9/99
|
|
Jody
|
Dear Dr. Lee, i have this problem with my toes they hurt like hell!! it been 2 weeks now since camp and they still fucking hurt and its not easy limping on both legs also it seems that no matter what i do people still seem to tread on them and then take the piss i think this may be related to my earlier problem that i wrote u about can u help me as now im pretty FUCKED UP!!!! |
Wear harder shoes... and don't be so gullable when someone gets you to do something. Dr. Lee |
9/9/99
|
|
Yoda
|
Dear Dr. Lee, do farts have lumps in them? |
Only on camp - Dr. Lee |
12/9/99
|
|
Karen
|
Dear Dr. Lee, My mates flat looks like a rubbish dump....there is crap oozing out of every nook and cranny. This wouldn't usually be a problem, but i stupidly offered to clean it and i'm not sure my life insurance policy will cover me in the event of me being exposed to deadly viruses. what should i do??? |
Hmmm... now I believe I have seen the flat in question... Chernobyl looked better to be quite honest... I personally think you should suit up if you are even in a 4 mile radius... however, seeing how you are actually going to enter the premises... I would advise that you check in at the hospital, ask for every booster jab available, unfortunately there still isn't one for the ebola virus, so that could be a problem... then when you bend over for the jab... kiss your arse goodbye cause you will have 3 when you come out of there. - Dr. Lee |
16/9/99
|
|
shocked, not shattered
|
Dear Dr. Lee, lets see how good you really are........... since i left my husband women have been coming to me telling me what a bastard he was and how he shagged them while we were married. they think that it shouldnt annoy me because i dont want him anyway. i truly dont want him but i feel really angry that these women treated me so disrespectfully. if i say anything they will think i am jealous, i certainly am not. i just really dont want anything to do with sneaky slutty women who screw married men. how do i let them know that i am angry with them and him for what they did without sounding like some poor hysterical jealous little house-wife. please dont tell me to go shag their boyfriends because i wont do that. i would never allow their behaviour to influence mine. i will not go and pull just to prove i can nor for some cheap revenge. i like to believe i am above that. the part that annoys me most is that they were all old news anyway none of them had recently been with him so i fe! el that as they had managed to keep their mouths shut for a couple of years why couldnt they just go on doing that. i would have preferred not to know so i wouldn't have had to react at all. how should i deal with this? |
I see... well... I feel compelled to offer my personal advise here rather than my professional one. My personal advise would be to keep your distance from these women, if they actually have the nerve to ask what is wrong just quietly and simply state that you would rather not have friends who would stab you in the back... then show you the knife afterwards.... thats my personal opinion... but you aren't paying for that, so here is my professional opinion. Next time they come round, invite them in with open arms, make a drink, sit and talk about your ex... get her to come out with a few things they did... then say "ahhhhhhh!!!! he mentioned someone had done that with him.... sorry hon, but he said it was crap and it was like screwing a dried up frog!!"... or if u want to be really nasty... just mention that things were bad during the end anyway, it was hard cause you couldn't make love to him because of the genital herpes... either way, see if she finishes her drink. - Dr Lee |
21/9/99
|
|
shocked, not shattered
|
Dear Dr. Lee, i have subsequently spoken to all three women and told them i had asked my husband about them (i didnt of course) and said that he said one was a brilliant shag but had bad breath, one was like soaking his bits in a bucket of tepid water and the third he couldnt really remember much about .i said he wouldnt tell me which was which and did they know? i hope they all ring him and drive him mad trying to find out. i gave them all his new number as well. have i done the right thing or just made things worse? i havent spoken to my ex so he has no idea i know anything at all about these women but if they ring him he certainly will. should i leave the country???? | I think you did the right thing here, although I would have advised you to approach the problem from a different angle, maybe telling the 3 women involved that you have a nasty rash... or that your ex husband has had to have tests for deseases of your choice... but your way was good for the short term... now maybe you should advertise his new phone number in a few choice places.. i.e. the local paper to advertise him selling his sex toys collection, or in the local public toilets (mens of course) under 'if u want it hot, call...' Maybe the same would work for the 3 women too. - Dr. Lee |
3/10/99
|
|
Fiona
|
Dear Dr. Lee, I have this problem. This bloke I know keeps dumping me in the shit bin. He denies it, but I know he knows I know...With me so far?? How do I climb out the shit bin and still come up smelling of roses??? | By stopping talking bollocks for a guess... or maybe the bloke in question is just not around so much anymore. Dr. Lee |
21/11/99
|
|
Karen
|
Dear Dr. Lee, My husband is loosing the plot!!!...he seems to be under the impression that i'm a moody cow???...i have no idea what the hell he's talking about...i think he's seriously deluded!!! HE thinks that on a regular basis (about once every 4 weeks) i turn into this psycho bitch from hell, which just isn't true,i have absolutly NO problem....is it my fault he gets under my feet...and talks absolute garbage all the time!!!...no...does the fact that i burst into tears the minute he comes through the door make me irrational ..NO!!! You'd cry if you had to wash HIS socks...it's worse than peeling onions!!! anyhow i'm detracting from the point!...this being that it is he ...and not i who is a moody git...i just don't know how to tell him....please...you're a man...what should i say...bearing in mind that i still want someone to snuggle up to....(it's cold outside) ..so i have to be gentle ;) | Oh... there is a point? ... well i would suggest you rationally tell him that you are not a moody cow by admitting that u are in fact emotionally challenged and this causes you to react badly to any situation. Tell him you're very sorry for your recent behaviour and that you will try to stop the irrational babbling that you are obviously doing now... Or even better, don't stop babbling at him, that might make you leave me alone. - Dr. Lee |
7/12/99
|