Title: The Cold Light of Day
Author: Wendy Parkinson
Email: wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
Category: S/J, Angst, Character Death
Spoilers: Crystal Skull
Season/Sequel info: Set Second Season, sequel to my one and only NC17 story Blackout (which can be found on Heliopolis 2 and the SJA). I recommend you read that first, otherwise this won't make much sense.
Rating: PG13
Content Warnings: Strong language, some violence, character death.
Summary: Sam and Jack face the consequences of what they have done.
Date: 18th July 2000

Author's notes : Yes, finally, it's here! About a year after Blackout, here's the sequel!! I warn you now, it's somewhat of a change of pace for me - it's *not* a humorous story and I would like to draw your attention to the content warnings in the header.

And there will not be a sequel... ever. <g>

A huge thank you to Sue for 'beta-ing beyond the call of duty' on this one. I couldn't have done it without you!

Thanks also to Karen and Ness for their thoughts on the story too!


Dedication: For all the people who've asked for a sequel and haven't let me forget about it. Especially Ness.... can I start pestering you about 'Jacksex.doc' now, dear? ;-)


Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. No flames please.

copyright Wendy Parkinson July 2000

THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY

Captain Sam Carter blindly ran down the corridor. She had no idea where she was going. She had to get away from the lab, get away from her commanding officer. Her lover... Jack.

She spotted a storeroom, dived in and slammed the door behind her. Leaning against the wall, Sam slowly slid down until she sat on the floor with her knees tucked under her chin. She hugged her legs and slowly rocked back and forth. Tears were threatening to come. She swiped her hand across her face angrily, furious at herself for what had happened.

What had she been thinking? In one impetuous act she had ruined her career, lost a good friend and made herself feel like shit. But what an act it had been. She'd just had amazing sex with Jack O'Neill, truly the stuff her fantasies were made of. She shook her head, as if in some vague effort to make everything go away. Nothing made sense any more. Dominating her thoughts were the memory of his hands, his lips, the feel of him inside her. Running her hands through her short blonde hair she tried to decide what to do. There was no way she could face Jack right now. She needed time alone to think. SG1 weren't scheduled to go on their mission to P5X219 until tomorrow. No-one would miss her if she went home.

Sam decided to leave the base. She wiped her eyes, straightened her uniform and emerged warily from the storeroom. Stopping briefly to call Janet and say she had a migraine, she headed for the surface. She was soon in her car and driving back to her apartment.

Dr. Daniel Jackson opened the science lab door expecting to find Sam. He needed to speak to her about SG1's next mission. He puffed his cheeks out in frustration. After spending what felt like hours trapped in an elevator with Graham Simmons, Daniel had come to the conclusion that he had nothing in common with the young lieutenant. Their conversation had floundered after about two minutes. Shaking his head, he stepped into the room

Daniel stopped dead as he took in the scene in the lab. Colonel Jack O'Neill was slumped on a chair, barechested, the remainder of his clothes strewn on the floor. He didn't move, apparently unaware of the younger man's presence. "Jack? Are you OK?"

The Colonel didn't answer, in fact, he seemed totally oblivious to Daniel. The archaeologist frowned and walked over to his friend. This wasn't like Jack at all. He put his hand on the older man's shoulder. "Jack?" he said softly.

A grief-stricken face lifted to look at him. Jack opened his mouth, as if to speak, then shook his head and stopped. He sighed deeply. "I've ruined everything, Daniel. My career, SG1, a friendship I valued more than anything else in the world... She'll never speak to me again, never laugh at my jokes... she'll request a transfer. I'll never see her again." He dropped his head back into his hands.

Daniel watched his friend in horror. It was pretty obvious Jack was talking about Sam but what could have happened to make him react like this? The pair of them had argued before, sometimes yelling at the tops of their voices but no-one ever took it seriously. It didn't take a genius to work out that this *was* serious and Jack meant every word he said. He looked down at Jack with sympathy, then noticed his friend shiver. Daniel bent down and passed him his T-shirt. "Here, put this on, you must be cold."

Jack took it from him wordlessly and tugged it over his head. He picked up his socks and pulled them on too.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" asked Daniel quietly.

Jack stopped tying his boot lace, sat up straight and looked at his friend. Daniel winced at the haunted look in his eyes. "I guess I should tell you, as it's going to split the team up." He took a deep breath. Daniel waited patiently for Jack to find the right words, he could see this was difficult for him. "Sam and I.... we.... Hell, I don't know how to put this that won't sound cheap and sordid... It wasn't like that... It was beautiful... It felt right, you know.... Like I'd come home... Like she was the only woman on earth for me... It was almost like a dream... A dream come true... that's turned into a nightmare." He shook his head, then added bitterly, "After years of dancing round each other, we finally did it, Daniel. Sam and I made love."

Daniel licked his lips. So Jack and Sam had had sex? He glanced round. Here? In the lab? "So you and Sam... er... when the lights were out?"

"Yeah. And I know she wanted to, she said so. Oh, Daniel, she was so... passionate.... so loving. It was so right..." His voice tailed off.

"You've said that before, Jack. But if it was so right, what's the problem?"

"The lights came back on. Sam instantly regretted what we'd done. I've never seen her like that. She was so pissed off that even after what had happened, she called me 'Colonel'..."

"Jack, you need to speak to her, talk this out. I don't think the team needs to split up over this. Sam probably freaked because of suddenly finding herself in her lab, with a guy she hadn't been with before. It is pretty weird, when you come to think. But you two... I'm surprised it hasn't happened before. There's always been something... a spark... chemistry... You know what I'm trying to say here?"

"Yeah, I guess..."

"Find her, talk to her... please."

Jack pulled on his shirt. "OK. I'll try."

Sam sat on her sofa and stared into space, cradling a cup of coffee in her hands. She lifted it to her mouth for a sip, then shuddered. It was cold. How long had she been sitting there? The light had faded and she couldn't see the clock. Letting out a long breath, she admitted to herself that she was no nearer finding a solution to her problem. She wanted things back the way they were before she'd made love with Jack but she knew that was impossible.

What were the alternatives? They could begin a relationship if she left SG1 but her work was her life, she didn't want to be stuck on another team. Hell, she might even have to serve under Colonel Makepeace. Sam shook her head. In her mind, that wasn't an option.

They could start a relationship and not tell anyone. Yeah, right.... like Janet or Daniel wouldn't notice! And she didn't like the idea of sneaking around, it went against everything she believed in, the way she'd been brought up.

She hesitated. Did she really want 'a relationship' with Jack? If he wasn't her commanding officer, yes, she would. Sam knew that. So what did she feel for him? Lust? Yeah, in spades. Respect? Trust? Those too. Then came the six million dollar question... Love? She wasn't sure. There had always been an attraction, a chemistry between them, but love? Not yet. But Sam knew falling in love with him would be easy if she let herself. But did she want to? She let out a heartfelt sigh and wearily placed the cup on a side table. She honestly didn't know. Why was everything so damned complicated?

What was wrong with her? She was a professional soldier, a theoretical astrophysicist, a decisive, intelligent woman, making her own way in a man's world and one man could reduce her to this? For crying out loud, she had to get a grip! With a grim smile, she recognised the words.... when did she start using his sayings? Would it be bad jokes or sarcasm next?

How would she feel when she saw him again? Every time she thought of him, her mind filled with the memory of Jack's touch, his caress. It had been her wildest fantasy come true, and though doing it on the lab floor wasn't high on her list of romantic locations, at the time it hadn't mattered at all. She'd wanted him and she knew she still wanted him. Sam sucked in a sharp breath. Just thinking about him was lighting a fire inside her. They couldn't possibly work together like that, much as she wanted to. One touch from him and she'd go over the edge, lose her self control. Perhaps in time the feeling would fade. At the moment, everything was too new, too fresh in her memory. She just wanted to run away and hide.

As far as she could see, the only option was to tell Jack it had been a huge mistake and try and forget about it. Somehow, she didn't think that would work, he'd been pretty upset when she'd left him. She wasn't sure if she could cope with it either. Even if they did try to carry on, the team dynamic would be ruined. And all this for a quick screw, she thought wryly to herself. But it wasn't just sex, there were feelings attached, feelings that had surfaced and now wouldn't go away. What *was* she going to do?

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. She stood carefully, switched on a table lamp and tried to work the stiffness out of her limbs as she made her way to answer it. Peering through the peep hole, her heart sank when she saw Jack standing patiently on the doorstep.

"Sam, please let me in, I want to talk to you," he said.

She held her breath and stood motionless. Perhaps he would go away if he thought she wasn't in.

"I know you're in there, Sam. I saw you switch on a light."

Her shoulders sagged in defeat as she reached for the door handle. As the door swung open, she realised she had no idea what to say to him.

"Sam," he said softly, as he walked past her into the living room. "We need to talk this out."

She closed the door and followed him. "I know. But I don't know what to say to you, sir. I think I need more time."

"We don't have 'more time', Sam. We're leaving for P5X219 in the morning and I think we need to deal with this before we ship out." His face softened when he finally looked at her and took in her bedraggled appearance. "And for crying out loud, don't call me 'sir' when we're off duty. For God's sake, this afternoon, we..." He hesitated, wondering whether to finish his sentence.

"I know what we did. That's the problem. I can't get it out of my mind."

Jack took a couple of steps towards her. "Neither can I," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. Sam glanced up at him, her blue eyes red and puffy, and his heart went out to her. "I want to make it right, Sam."

He watched as she hesitantly licked her lips. "I don't know... I don't see how we can..." She shook her head. Closing the distance between them, he enveloped her in a comforting hug. Abruptly, she pushed him away. "No!" she almost shouted. "Don't touch me!"

Jack stared at her, confused. "I wasn't going to drag you to the bedroom. It was only a hug. I've hugged you before."

"I know, but things are different now. When you put your arms round me, it made me think of... earlier."

Jack wiped his hand across his face and took a deep breath. This wasn't going well. "What did it make you think?" he asked quietly.

"What do you want me to say? You were there! Do you want me to tell you how good you were? Does your male pride need a massage?" She swung away from him and marched into the kitchen.

"Sam! Come back!" Jack followed her out of the living room. When he caught up with her, she was leaning heavily against the work top in the kitchen, her back to him, her head drooping. "Sam?" He gently grasped her elbow and turned her to face him. "My 'male pride' as you call it, doesn't need massaging. What we did this afternoon was wonderful. I don't want it to be something we regret and try to forget about. I want it to happen again. I think you feel the same way."

He put his hand under her chin and gently lifted her head so he could see her face. "Do you?" he asked, looking deep into her eyes. She nodded slowly, tears beginning to run down her cheeks. Very slowly, he leant in towards her and brushed her lips with his. The touch was feather light. He could feel her trembling. Carefully he enfolded her in his arms and stroked her hair, kissing the top of her head. "We'll work it out, Sam. We've got to."

"But I don't see how... the regs... I'm under your command..." she mumbled into his shirt.

He leant back slightly, so he could look her in the face. "I'll let you into a little secret, Sam. I've never been big on regs."

She smiled, in spite of the turmoil she felt inside. How come she always laughed at his jokes? Was she already in love with him? She shook herself. That question could wait until later.

Jack noticed her shudder. "Are you cold? Come and sit with me over here and we can talk." Noticing her doubtful look, he added, "Just talk." He took her hand and led her to the sofa. Sitting down, he patted the space next to him. "Join me?" Her hand still in his, Jack was struck by how vulnerable Sam looked. She still seemed unwilling to sit down. "Come on, I don't bite.... well, at least not unless you want me to."

She pulled her hand away sharply. He winced and kicked himself. Now that was a monumentally stupid thing to say... Just peachy, O'Neill. Now she thinks you're a sex maniac. "I'm sorry, Sam. I didn't mean... Hell, you know what I'm like at 'speak first, think later'."

Sam smiled weakly and gently lowered herself onto the sofa, leaving a space between them. No man's land, thought Jack. And for now, I'm not to trespass. He found himself sitting on his hands. Taking a deep breath, he tried explaining again. "As I said, I'm not big on regs. Who's going to know if we...." He took another deep breath. "...start a relationship?"

Sam's head jerked up at the word 'relationship'. Jack hoped that was because she wanted one too. He carried on, "I've been thinking about this ever since we made love. I want to be with you, Sam. I don't want a petty thing like regulations made by a guy in Washington with no sense of humour and probably no sex life to interfere with that. We can behave professionally when we're on duty, keep it to off hours. What do you think?"

"You mean.... keep it a secret?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"I've never..."

Jack watched her closely. She seemed so close to agreeing with him. He knew she wanted this too but the 'screw the regs' attitude didn't come naturally to her, like it did to him. "I know this is hard for you, Sam. I know you're a good soldier, you always follow orders. And I'm not going to pressure you, I want you to make up your own mind. But who would we hurt if we gave this a try? If we can't work together and..." he hesitated, searching for the right words. "...be together, I can always ask for transfer to a desk job. My knee won't last much longer anyway, I'd probably be doing myself a favour."

"I need time to think," she said quietly, not looking at him.

"Sure." Jack stood up. "I'd better be going. I'll see you in the morning." Sam walked with him to the door. "Well, goodnight Sam." He leant down and kissed her gently on the cheek. He stopped dead when he heard her suck in a sharp breath. Placing his hand gently under her chin, his pushed her face up so he could see her expression. His heart pounded in his chest when he saw the look in her eyes. They were full of want and need, crying out to him for help. He knew he should go, give her time to think, but he pushed the thoughts aside and kissed her softly on the lips. She responded by reaching up and cradling the nape of his neck in her right hand as her left slid around his waist. She brushed his lips with her tongue, requesting entrance. Without conscious thought, Jack responded, losing himself in the taste and feel of Sam.

Then he realised what he was doing and pulled back. "Sam, you're vulnerable right now. I don't want to... and you regret it again..."

"No, Jack. I think I finally know what I want."

"You do?" He ran his hand gently down her cheek, searching her face, not daring to hope she'd changed her mind.

Sam smiled weakly. "I want you."

He grinned and bent down to kiss her again, all hesitation gone. Their hands explored each other's bodies as the kiss became more intense, more passionate. When they broke apart for air, he whispered, "Are you sure?"

"As sure as I'm going to be," she said ruefully. "I don't know how we're going to make this work, but I'm tired of trying to figure it out. What happened this afternoon was special, Jack. I can't ignore that.... or you."

He took her hand in his and led her towards the bedroom. "This time let's keep the light on. I want to see you."

Daniel lay on his bedroll, feigning sleep. Trying to ignore the gentle snores coming from Teal'c, who lay behind him, he struggled to stop a smile forming on his lips as he surreptitiously watched Sam and Jack through almost closed eyes. Sam was supposed to be on watch but the planet seemed uninhabited, totally benign. Jack was sitting next to her, on a fallen log, so close their hips were touching. Daniel was pleased for his friends, they were made for each other. He wasn't sure who they thought they were fooling with this 'we're just good friends' story. Personally, he didn't believe a word. The looks and smiles they had given each other all day said more to him than their words ever could.

When he'd dragged Jack to one side and asked if him and Sam had resolved their problems, he could have sworn the Colonel blushed when he said, "Yeah, Daniel. We're friends again. What happened in the lab was like a dream. We've decided to treat it as one." Jack hadn't looked him in the eye once while he was talking. Daniel knew his friend was lying but if they wanted their relationship to be secret, it was up to them. He could respect that. With the regulations as they were, they both had a lot to lose if they were found out. Daniel suppressed a laugh as Jack tickled Sam in the ribs, then she shut him up by kissing him soundly on the lips. As the kiss became more intense, Daniel closed his eyes, giving them the privacy they deserved.

Then, without warning, his world exploded.... Light.... Noise.... Smoke.... Shouting.... They were under attack. Daniel made a grab for his handgun but he was thrown violently sideways as he reached across his pack.... He groaned..... Pain..... He couldn't breathe.... His lungs wouldn't work. It should be so easy.... just in and out, in and out.... Was he drowning? Touching his chest he felt a warm sticky patch.... He'd been shot?.... That explained it then.... His glasses had gone, everything was a blur.... Was that Sam?.... Someone was calling his name but he couldn't see them..... Everything seemed to fade, become distant..... a bright light.... Sha're....

"Daniel!! DANIEL!!" Sam screamed, throwing herself down next to him. She felt for a pulse, some sign of life. All she could focus on was the blood. So much blood. How could so much blood come from one person?

"We got them," shouted Jack, running towards her, closely followed by Teal'c. "There were three..." He stopped when he saw Daniel. "Oh God. Is he...?"

"What the fuck do you think? Of course he's dead! And if I'd been on watch instead of making out with you, he'd still be alive!"

"You don't know that."

"No, I don't. And I never will, will I?" She stood up, tears pouring down her face.

They took him back to base, only speaking when they had to. Sam's motions were deliberate, mechanical, she couldn't stop shaking. When Daniel had 'died' before, she'd felt like this, but she knew this time there would be no miracle solution, no joyful reunion with their friend. This time she'd seen him hit, watched his life ebb away with his blood. And it was her fault. Hers and Jack's. Their fault that a good friend, a brilliant scientist, a man she loved like a brother, was dead.

Why had she agreed to start a relationship with Jack? It was against regulations, regulations that were there for a good reason. To stop people dying needlessly.

At their debriefing, Sam couldn't bring herself to even look at Jack. She knew she blamed him, as well as herself, for Daniel's death. If only he hadn't persuaded her... if only they hadn't.... but she hadn't needed much persuading, had she? And if they hadn't, would he still be alive?

"Major.... Major!"

"Sorry, sir. What did you say?"

"The Colonel says you and he were talking when the aliens attacked."

Sam's mouth opened and closed a couple of times, while she tried to work out what to say. She'd heard it called some things, but 'talking' wasn't one of them. So Jack was adding lying to their crimes, was he? She sighed. What difference did it make? She already felt like a murderer, so lying to a superior officer was chicken feed by comparison. Managing to find her voice, she murmured, "Yes, I was distracted... I should have seen them coming... it was my watch..." Tears began to flow unchecked down her face. "...my fault. It was my fault."

"Major, please," said the General gently. "It was not your fault. One of the reasons I called you here today was to tell you that SG4 have been back to the planet and have examined the bodies of your attackers. They had some kind of stealth technology, individual cloaking devices, if you will. They probably didn't become visible until they fired." He looked at Sam kindly and passed her a box of tissues. "I know he was a good friend. Grieving is natural, Major." He glanced at Jack and Teal'c. "Anything else to add, gentlemen?"

"No, General Hammond."

"No, sir."

"Then... dismissed. I think we could all use some rest."

Sam went home, got undressed and climbed into bed but sleep refused to come. Every time she closed her eyes, Daniel's face danced before her, his blue eyes shining with enthusiasm over some artefact he'd found, and she'd be hit by another shattering wave of guilt. No matter what the General said, she'd never know for certain that if she'd behaved more professionally, if she'd been paying attention, she could have prevented Daniel's death.

She heard a knock at the door. Shuddering, she decided not to answer. She knew it would be Jack, wanting to talk things through. Curling up into the foetal position, she pulled the covers over her head and willed him to leave her alone. She couldn't face him, not until she'd decided what to do. This time, she had to be strong and work this out on her own.

"Sam!... Sam!... We need to talk! Please answer the door. I know you're in there." He had to be shouting through the letterbox. She stuffed her head under the pillow, so she couldn't hear him. Lying motionless for what felt like hours, she waited for him to leave. Eventually, he stopped shouting and when she lifted her head out from under the pillow, she heard footsteps retreat down the path and a car start.

Finally, she had time to think.

When Teal'c arrived on her doorstep the next morning, Sam had already been up for hours. She let the huge man in and motioned him to sit on the sofa.

"How are you, Major Carter?" he asked, no emotion evident in his voice.

"I didn't sleep at all. I guess I'm as good as I could hope to be under the circumstances. Probably better than I deserve to be." She sighed deeply and looked at the Jaffa. "How about you?"

"I am fasting in remembrance of Daniel Jackson." He looked at her and inclined his head to one side, his expression unreadable. "I miss him."

"Yeah," she said quietly as the tears began again. She swiped her hand angrily across her face.

"O'Neill is concerned about you," said Teal'c quietly. "He says you did not answer the door when he called yesterday. Did you not hear him?"

"Yeah, I heard him. I couldn't face him. I needed time to think."

"You blame him for Daniel Jackson's death." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes, but not as much as I blame myself. What we did was wrong, Teal'c. Very wrong. And now Daniel's dead." She sighed. The Jaffa waited patiently for her to continue. "I couldn't see him last night. I had to think things through... on my own. It seems like every time he comes near me, rational thought flies out the window and we end up..." Sam hesitated, then turned away from Teal'c and looked at the floor. "...in bed." She glanced up to find him staring at her quizzically. "Now you're shocked. I'm sorry."

"No, Major Carter. I am not shocked. Daniel Jackson told me of your relationship with O'Neill. He was happy for you. *I* am happy for you."

"And there's the biggest problem, Teal'c. I don't know if I want 'a relationship' with Jack. My body certainly does... but my mind, my heart?" She put her hand on her chest to emphasise her point. "I don't know what I want. It all happened so fast, one minute we were 'commanding officer' and 'second in command', the next we were lovers. I haven't had time to think properly."

The Jaffa sat very still, watching her closely. "Did your solitude allow you to come to any conclusions last night, Major Carter?"

"Yes, Teal'c. I did finally come to a decision. I know what I have to do. I'll tell Jack tomorrow at Daniel's funeral."

Jack went through Daniel's funeral service in a kind of trance. The familiar words meant nothing, the sea of sombre faces united in grief failed to touch him. He felt dead inside. Numb. His best friend was gone and Sam hadn't spoken to him since their return from the planet. Was Sam right? Was it their fault Daniel was dead? Even after what the General had said they'd never know for certain.

When he turned to leave the graveside, an elderly man approached him. "You worked with Daniel, yes?" he said.

Jack nodded weakly. He supposed this guy was a relative of Daniel's. "Colonel Jack O'Neill," he said.

"I am his grandfather, Nicholas Ballard."

Jack was shocked. Daniel had never mentioned a grandfather. "He never..." he began.

"No, he wouldn't. I've been in a mental institution for some years. I fear he felt I was an embarrassment." There was an uncomfortable pause. "You know, it's unnatural to outlive your child, but outlive your grandchild...." He shook his head sadly. "Why am I still around? What is an old fool like me doing still alive when a brilliant young man like Daniel is dead? There is no justice, is there, Colonel?"

"No, no justice," agreed Jack quietly, as the old man turned away.

Lost in his own thoughts, he didn't hear Sam approach him. He started when she tapped his shoulder. "Jack?" she said softly.

"Sam... Teal'c said you had something to tell me..." He hesitated when he took a good look at her. His Major looked like hell, there were dark shadows under her eyes and he could see she had been crying.

"Yeah, I do.... 'goodbye'."

The breath caught in his throat. No, she couldn't.... could she? Jack looked into her eyes. They were brimming with unshed tears. "Goodbye?"

"I'm transferring back to the Pentagon. It's for the best."

He could hear her voice beginning to falter. This was hard for her. "Why is it best? We should help each other through this. I need you, Sam. After what the General said...."

She shook her head, the tears rolling slowly down her cheeks. "But we'll never know for sure. Perhaps in time I'll be able to deal with this but right now I can't. Every time I look at you, I see Daniel dying in a pool of blood. I can't be with you, Jack. Not now. I need the space. If I stay here I'll never be able to work out what I want... you're just too damned distracting. I need to find out what's best for me. And for now I need to be away... from you."

"Sam, please..."

"No, my mind's made up. I've got to go, I've got a plane to catch." She turned away from him, unwilling to look him in the eye.

Jack grabbed her elbow. "Sam... wait, we can talk..."

Gently pulling herself free, she said softly but firmly, "No, Jack. Not this time. Look what happened the last time we 'talked'." He flinched at her reference to the debriefing. She shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry. That was unfair. I know you only said it to protect me and my career." She shrugged. "It's too late to make any difference to Daniel, isn't it?" Swallowing hard to fight back the tears, she continued, "My mind's made up. I have to go. Goodbye, Jack."


She kissed him softly on the cheek and left him standing alone in the cemetery, the breeze tugging at his dress uniform. Jack watched, tears pricking at his eyes, as she said her goodbyes and got into a waiting car. As she drove away, he hoped and prayed that one day Sam would change her mind. "I'll be waiting," he whispered as she disappeared from view. "Come back to me soon."

the end

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