Title: So Long and Thanks for All the Fic
Author: Wendy Parkinson
Email: wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
Category: Humour
Spoilers: Abyss, Changeling, Full Circle, Fallen, Homecoming
Season/Sequel info: set from the middle of season six to Homecoming, season seven. 18th in the Danny Lurks series, sequel to 'Welcome to samandjack'
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: the usual extreme silliness
Summary: Jonas hears that Daniel is coming back to the SGC.
Date: 10th July 2003
Author's notes: Enormous thanks go to Sue for the encouragement and suggestions on this one. She even came up with the title for me! {{big hug}}
For the uninitiated: the very silly premise of this entire series is that Daniel, and now a large percentage of the SGC, are members of the samandjack mailing list.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. No flames please.
Copyright Wendy Parkinson July 2003
SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FIC (Danny Lurks #18)
About six months ago, deep in Cheyenne Mountain….
"What do you mean that's not allowed?"
"You've ended that last sentence with a preposition, Jonas."
The alien gritted his teeth in frustration. Couldn't the Colonel leave him alone for five minutes? "Sir, I've said you can beta the story. I think it would be easier for both of us if you let me finish it first."
"I don't mind checking it as you go along," said Jack cheerfully.
"I think Jonas Quinn does, O'Neill," said Teal'c, from the other side of the room.
Looking slightly deflated, the Colonel stopped peering over Jonas' shoulder and went and sat down next to Teal'c. "So buddy, what gives with the list?" Jack asked nonchalantly.
The burly Jaffa glanced at his computer and raised an eyebrow. "They were most concerned when you were the prisoner of Ba'al."
“So was I,” muttered Jack under his breath.
“They also anticipate the return of Daniel Jackson as a member of SG1.”
“What?” said Jonas and Jack in unison.
Teal'c gave them one of his withering looks. “In a few months, he will return as an active member of SG1. Do you not read your emails?”
“We've been kind of busy saving the universe and all,” said Jack. “When I checked my mail, I just looked for the next part of Surrender.”
Jonas looked puzzled. Frowning, Teal'c explained, "It is a never-ending WIP of Vanessa's. The Colonel is deluding himself if he thinks she is ever going to finish it."
"I'm not deluding myself," muttered Jack. "You know, I could order you to be more optimistic."
Teal'c raised an eyebrow and looked at O'Neill pointedly.
"I’ve just been reading the fics. And I was kind of busy writing this story.” Jonas pointed at the computer screen. “When I've finished it, I'm going to send it in.”
“You're supposed to be keeping a low profile,” admonished Sam, as she walked into the room.
“I'll use a pseudonym,” protested Jonas.
“Such as?” enquired Jack sarcastically.
“I was thinking of 'AmorousAlien',” replied Jonas.
“Amorous alien?” Jack's eyebrows shot up. “I know you're an alien... but 'amorous'?”
“Oh trust me, sir. He is,” said Sam, darkly. Then, realising what she'd said, decided she ought to change the subject. She hadn’t told the Colonel about her ‘close encounter’ with Jonas after their misunderstanding, and she had no intention of doing so. “So what’s new on the list?"
Jack, who had been sitting with his mouth open in shock, suddenly came to his senses. "How would you know he’s amorous?”
Jonas, ignoring the Colonel, answered Sam. “Doctor Jackson will be coming back as a member of SG1,” then stared morosely at his shoes. Then he let out a deep sigh and looked up at his team-mates. This could not be good news. There was only space for four people on SG1, and if they operated the ‘first in, last out’ system, he knew just who was going to have to go. And it was ‘how’ he was going to go that worried him. “Do you think I’m going to die?” he asked quietly.
All three shook their heads. Jonas wasn’t convinced they meant it, in fact Sam looked positively excited at the thought of Jackson returning. He had to do something about this… try and stop the prodigal returning to the fold. A germ of an idea took hold and he smiled to himself. Of course! Yes, that should do the trick….
Oma tapped her brilliantly white shoe and frowned. The samandjack list were throwing pebbles in her pool of calm and sending ripples across her sea of tranquillity. She’d just read her list mails - her protégé was leaving and he hadn’t told her! She felt betrayed, furious, there was a knot in her inner consciousness that was threatening to throttle her cosmic karma. He’d been adjusting well to his new life and Oma had hoped that one day the two of them could ascend to a new plane of ecstasy together. After all, he had such a cute, glowy ass. She had been sure that once he’d properly settled down, he’d realise she was the ascended being for him.
Concentrating hard, she called Daniel to her. He had some explaining to do. If he left it’d be the last thing he did… as an ascended being.
Exactly on cue, he appeared. Despite her anger, she smiled and said, “Daniel. Why?”
His brow creased into the cutest little frown and she almost sighed at the pouty way he held his lips while he was thinking. “Why what?” he asked. Apparently he had no idea what she was talking about.
“Why is your path about to diverge from that of the ascended and rejoin the way you trod in the past?”
She didn’t think the frown could get cuter, but it did. Oma loved talking cryptic to Daniel, he made the sexiest faces when he was concentrating. She spent ages thinking up the most obscure sentences, just to make him think. She could not let him return to the path of the primitive inferiors… she’d miss the intellectual exercise.
“You mean I’m going home?” he asked. “Why?”
Oma pursed her lips. “That is the answer I am seeking.”
Daniel shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Is this one of those real mind-bendingly cryptic conversations that give me a headache, because I’m really not in the mood.” It was Oma’s turn to look puzzled. Daniel continued, “You tell me I’m going home, then ask *me* why! That’s pretty good, even for you.”
“Have you not consulted the fount of all knowledge today?” replied Oma.
Daniel shook his head. “The samandjack list? No, I’ve been reading that book you loaned me.”
Oma felt a warm extra glow inside. He’d been reading ‘Male ascended beings are from this plane of existence, female ascended beings are from that plane of existence’. She wondered if it had given him any hints on how female ascended beings liked to be treated. “What do you think of it?” she asked, momentarily diverted from her original question.
“Its main theme seems to be ‘massaging her being from within’.”
Oh please, thought Oma. Do that to me… anytime.
“I guess it means a female ascended being likes to be supported emotionally.”
No, it doesn’t, you *male* ascended being, she thought. Sometimes you should take things more literally.
Daniel frowned. “So what have the list been saying?”
“That you will return to your former existence.” Oma found her anger returning when she noticed Daniel actually looked quite enthusiastic at the idea. “This breaks every rule we live by. I want to know what you have planned.”
“Nothing. This is the first I’ve heard about it.”
She narrowed her eyes and studied him carefully. He certainly didn’t look like he was lying. “If you leave, you will be punished.”
“Punished?”
“You will be expelled from this plane of existence with nothing.”
“But if I leave, you can’t expel me because I’ll have already gone.”
Oma smiled. Daniel’s cryptic quotient was coming along nicely under her guidance – he couldn’t leave now, not after all her hard work. “Don’t you believe it, buddy,” she said quietly. “And when I say *nothing*, I mean *nothing*.”
Jonas hit ‘print’ and allowed himself a smile. Well, he’d certainly tried. Over the last few months, he’d personally written letters to every TPTB that he could find an address for, and he’d managed to drum up quite a bit of support on the list. He blushed slightly. He hadn’t realised what a popular guy he was. Hopefully a lot of ‘save Jonas’ letters would shortly be winging their way to TPTB.
He paused and frowned. He wasn’t entirely sure who the TPTB were, or what exactly they did but he’d found out from the list that they were the folk to write to when you wanted something done, so now he’d written ‘his’ letters, it was time to help out the rest of the list. He called up a new document and paused, biting his bottom lip. How to start? Jonas took a deep breath and began typing.
“Dear Mr Wright,
I would very much like to see Sam and Jack get it on. They spend far too much time dancing round each other when a good roll in the hay would release vast amounts of tension that can make life unpleasant for me and Teal’c. Get them together soon. At the very least a kiss, preferably with tongues.
Thank you.
Jeremiah Queensbury
PS I think the idea of Daniel coming back is gruesome in the extreme, particularly if it’s at the expense of Jonas Quinn, who’s never done anything to hurt anybody.”
He frowned. Perhaps he ought to ask some advice on the list about how to word these ‘more ship please’ letters; he had a feeling this one wasn’t quite up to standard. Jonas let out a long breath, he really didn’t have the time for this now, he had work to do. He knew the letter wasn’t good, but at least it was a starting point. He could rewrite it later after he’d mailed the list about it, which was what everyone else did. There were always dozens of posts about writing letters. Sam’s advice to keep a low profile had hit home and he had to admit he rather liked the the pseudonym he’d chosen. It had to be far more inconspicuous than ‘Jonas Quinn’. Or was it? Sometimes he did have problems with Earth customs. He shook his head. No, he’d leave that for later as well.
Jonas decided he ought to tidy up before he got back to work and he was just putting the letters he’d printed into envelopes when he remembered something he’d been going to look up on the lab computer. He thought Sam’s early work on the decay rate of naquahdah could well have direct relevance to their research on naquadria. She’d given him permission to view any of her research any time he wanted, so, neatly piling the envelopes on top of each other, he stood up and headed for the lab.
Jonas sat down at the lab computer and opened the file management system. He quickly found Sam’s directory and began scrolling down looking for the research she’d told him about. He grimaced. There were hundreds, possibly thousands, of folders, apparently in no particular order; this was going to take for ever. Jonas paused, trying to think of a way to speed things up. He could do a ‘find’. Yes, that should work. Carefully typing in the name of the file, ‘ACKSE’, he hit ‘find’ and sat back patiently. Now, what was it Sam said ‘ACKSE’ stood for? He frowned in concentration, then smiled, yes, he remembered… ‘Automatic Cascade Kinetic System Explanation’. An eidetic memory came in handy sometimes.
The computer let out a small ‘ping’, drawing his attention to the screen. Good, it had found it. Jonas looked closer. That was strange, it had pulled up two files, ACKSE.doc and jacksex.doc.
His eyes widened. Jacksex.doc?
Jonas instinctively looked over his shoulder to check no-one was watching him, then without stopping to analyse what he was doing, clicked on the file, waited while it opened, then started to read….
Daniel scratched his head. He was getting nowhere with trying to find out where or when he was going back. The list were adamant he was returning to SG1 but they were more than a little hazy on the specifics. Someone had mentioned him being dumped somewhere remote totally naked but he’d decided that couldn’t be true. It had to be the invention of one of the people on the list who seemed to have taken a dislike to him while he’d been away. He’d found that quite hurtful, he’d never done anything to upset them, he’d always supported the ‘ship! But at least he wasn’t this guy MS they kept mentioning, who appeared to be returning too… they *really* didn’t like him!
And in any case, if he left of his own accord, surely he’d arrive at the SGC, fully dressed and ready for action, not miles from home and looking for something to wear. But he wasn’t even sure that he wanted to go back; he was quite happy on his new plane of existence. So perhaps he didn’t leave of his own accord? He shook his head. That was an idea he didn’t want to contemplate.
Oma had started acting weird these last few months too. She seemed to be watching him like a hawk for any sign of escape, not that she had anything to worry about on that score, because even when he’d helped Teal’c get through his ordeal with Bra’tac, he’d returned, just like a good ascended being, and taken up his life as it had been before. But, even after that incident, she’d been looking at him strangely, and asking some very odd questions about old girlfriends and making new starts. Then after a few weeks, she started asking him how he *really* felt about Jack and Teal’c. What on earth did she mean? He shook his head… like the book said, female ascended beings *were* from another plane of existence.
Oh my, Jonas thought, blushing to the roots of his hair. Even for an NC17, it was kind of ‘out there’. They’d done it three times… on the ramp, on a DHD and… well, he really didn’t think that third time was physically possible. Surely it would give you motion sickness… or something? He smiled. Sounded fun though. And it was a very good story. But he was pretty sure he couldn’t remember seeing in the list archives. Perhaps it had never been posted.
Then a thought struck him. Why had Sam got this story on the lab computer? If Hammond ever found it, she’d be in big trouble. From things they'd said he'd guessed they'd all written stories, so was this one of Sam’s? Or given its name, was it the Colonel’s? He decided he needed to get to the bottom of this mystery. Frowning thoughtfully, he copied the ACKSE.doc file onto a floppy, then before anyone had chance to disturb him, added the jacksex.doc file, waited for the drive to stop, removed the disk and tucked it in his top pocket.
Now… who would know what was going on? After their last misunderstanding, there was no way he was going to ask Sam outright, she’d probably punch him again. And he certainly couldn’t face approaching the Colonel, so that left one option…
Teal’c.
Jonas found the Jaffa in the commissary, tucking into a tray load of food. “Teal’c, have you got a minute, there’s something I’d like to ask you?”
The Jaffa inclined his head. “Please be seated, Jonas Quinn.” Looking reluctantly at his meal, and sliding his hand surreptitiously over a banana, he added politely, “Would you like something to eat?”
Knowing how much Teal’c enjoyed his food, Jonas shook his head. “No thanks.” Now it came to it, he was finding it quite difficult to word his question. He noticed the Jaffa studying him carefully, in between taking large bites from a chicken leg. Taking a deep breath, he decided to just go for it. “I found a file when I was looking for something else on Sam’s computer. It’s a story… an NC17 story… but I don’t remember reading it before. The file’s called ‘jacksex.doc’.”
He was surprised when he realised that Teal’c was nodding. “Ah yes, ‘jacksex.doc’,” he rumbled, between mouthfuls of chicken.
“You know it?” Jonas was amazed. “Who wrote it? It’s real good!”
“O’Neill. He tried to get Daniel Jackson to post it to the list, but Major Carter stopped him.”
Jonas’ jaw dropped open. “The Colonel wrote it? Really? I would never have guessed! Wow.” He then watched, fascinated, as Teal’c started on a large bowl of salad. “Why did he write it and why does Sam have it on the lab computer?”
Teal’c calmly put down his fork and looked at Jonas. “As the Tau’ri say, it is a long story, Jonas Quinn. We had written a story for the samandjack list together and I believe O’Neill enjoyed the experience. He decided to answer what became known as the ‘NC17’ challenge, which had to involve sex in an unusual location. To enable Daniel Jackson to perform a ‘beta’ on the story, O’Neill attempted to move his file to a floppy disk, but only copied it, leaving the story on a computer Major Carter subsequently used. When she found it, she appeared to be most upset with O’Neill and told him she’d destroyed both copies. Later, she told Daniel Jackson it was the most erotic thing she had ever read.”
“It all makes sense now… kind of.” Jonas nodded. “And the story is pretty good.”
“You have read it, Jonas Quinn?” The Jaffa’s eyebrows headed skywards in perfect unison.
“Yeah.” The Kelownan patted his top pocket possessively. “Took a copy too.” He winked at his companion.
The Jaffa looked uncertain for a moment, then leaned in towards Jonas and said quietly, “May I borrow it?”
Still very doubtful about Teal’c’s sense of humour, Jonas wondered if this was some kind of obscure Jaffa joke. “What do you want it for?”
Teal’c almost looked hurt. “I wish to read it, Jonas Quinn.” The Jaffa forced a smile in an attempt at reassurance, which the Kelownan found profoundly worrying. Teal’c smiling just wasn’t *right* somehow. So when the Jaffa held out his hand, Jonas obediently took the disk from his pocket and passed it to him. He watched in surprise as Teal’c nodded in acknowledgement, then abandoned his food, stood up and left the commissary.
Waiting until the Jaffa was out of the room, Jonas helped himself to the banana from Teal’c’s tray and muttered, “Weird.”
Teal’c walked purposefully to his quarters, opened the door and switched on the light. He turned on the computer and waited impatiently for it to boot up. It was not in his nature to appear impatient, and to a casual onlooker he would have seemed the epitome of calm stoicism, but inside he was jumping with excitement. He’d wanted to read this story for almost four years! Ever since Daniel Jackson had told him of its existence, he had been curious to know what O’Neill had written.
He inserted the floppy, clicked on the file name and smiled to himself when the story appeared on screen.
He began to read…
Daniel straightened his sweater and tried to call Oma. He hadn’t quite got the hang of this otherworldly method of communication yet, in his experience it was kind of hit and miss. He sure hoped it worked this time, he needed to speak to her now.
Oma said, “What is it, Daniel?” as she appeared beside him.
“Thank you!” he said. “I’m so glad you came, Oma. I wanted to ask your advice.”
She inclined her head by way of an answer.
“I have no idea how I know this, but I know the people of Abydos are in grave danger from Anubis.”
Oma nodded gracefully. “You correctly anticipate the direction in which the river flows.”
“Okay. I’m right, that’s good.” Daniel began pacing up and down. “So what can I do to help them?”
“You must not interfere with the lives of men,” said Oma, quite firmly.
“I’ve got to do something! I can’t leave them all to die.”
Oma’s expression softened. “You may make suggestions to them, but you must not use your powers.”
Daniel turned to her and smiled. “Thank you,” he said quietly, then closed his eyes and let the light envelop him.
A few hours later, after giving the matter considerable thought, Teal’c headed for the infirmary, a small frown creasing his forehead, the disk concealed in his large hand. He knocked on Janet Fraiser’s door and waited for an answer. “Come!” she shouted.
Teal’c opened the door. “Doctor Fraiser, may I ask your professional opinion on a delicate matter?”
Janet smiled. “Of course you can, Teal’c. I’m your Doctor. Anything you say to me concerning your health remains private.”
“This does not concern me, Doctor Fraiser. It concerns this story.” He held out the disk.
“I don’t understand,” she said, taking it from him.
“There is a process described that puzzles me, Doctor Fraiser. I am not sure that it is physically possible and I wish to know your opinion.”
“You like medical accuracy. That’s good!” Janet looked quite relieved. “Is it a long story? Whereabouts is the physical process you’re concerned about?”
Teal’c looked her straight in the eye and said, “It is the third time the protagonists have sexual intercourse. I believe they would lose consciousness under the conditions described in the story.”
The Doctor almost choked. “I… er… see… I think.” She looked doubtfully at the disk. “Well, I’ll take a look when I get the chance and get back to you on it, shall I?”
“We are about to leave on a mission. I will visit you again when we return.” The Jaffa nodded solemnly and left the room.
Of course, thought Janet, SG1 were going to Abydos. Apparently Colonel O’Neill had seen Daniel, who’d warned him that Abydos was in danger. Pretty strange, even for the SGC. Of course, the really strange thing was that everyone had believed the Colonel and she hadn’t had to do any tests on him to prove his sanity, despite the fact that he’d been talking to a dead man.
Frowning to herself, she looked at the disk again. And here was something else strange. She inserted the disk in her computer and called up the file manager. “Now let’s have a look, shall we?” she muttered under her breath. Reading the display, she murmured, “Jacksex sounds the likely file. Let’s see what it says, shall we?”
Fifteen minutes later, Janet was staring wide-eyed at the screen. She sincerely hoped the story was the product of someone’s overheated imagination and not a diary. Even so, she wasn’t sure if she could look at Sam and the Colonel in quite the same way again.
And she had to agree with Teal’c – she didn’t think it was physically possible either. It would require superhuman self control to keep ‘doing it’ under those circumstances.
Her musings were interrupted by the tannoy. “Doctor Fraiser to the Gateroom. Incoming wounded.”
She jumped up, grabbed her medical bag and ran out of the room.
The light was blinding. Daniel covered his face with his hands to try and shield himself from it. Every part of his body hurt, every muscle, every joint, but especially his head, which was pounding like there was a whole chorus line in there. What the hell had happened? He remembered being on Abydos… then things got kind of hazy. A soft voice penetrated his consciousness. “Daniel? How are you feeling?”
Oma! “Not sure. Did I get run over by a truck?”
“I do not understand your mode of speech.” She cleared her throat. “You have been sent through an inter-planar portal by Anubis. I believe he was displeased with you.”
“Must be like a truck,” muttered Daniel. A smile twitched at his lips. It was all beginning to come back. “And yeah, Anubis was royally pissed with us.” Then more came back and his heart sank. “Oh God! Anubis didn’t keep his word, did he? Are the Abydonians all dead?”
“Their journey is just beginning,” replied Oma enigmatically.
“They’ve ascended?”
The woman nodded serenely.
“All of them?” Daniel was incredulous. “You did that?”
She nodded again, and allowed herself a small smile.
He frowned. “I thought interfering broke your rules. Why did you do it?”
“I did not believe it was time for their mortal beings to cease.” Oma looked at him, then turned quickly away. Daniel got the feeling she was hiding something. He didn’t have to wait long to find out what it was. “The others are most displeased with you.” She left the sentence hanging, apparently hoping he would surmise the rest. Unfortunately, Anubis seemed to have short circuited more than a few of Daniel’s synapses.
He stared at her blankly. “What are you trying to tell me, Oma?”
“You are to be expelled from here…” She waved her arm forlornly. “…with nothing.”
“You said that before and I didn’t understand then.” He paused, frowning. “What do you mean by ‘nothing’?”
She didn’t meet his eye. “No clothes, no possessions, no memory, no…” She shook her head sadly. “Nothing.”
“I won’t remember anything?” Oma nodded. “Well, you needn’t bother with that one, Anubis already did it for you. I’m having trouble remembering my own name at the moment.”
Oma looked at him and smiled faintly. “Then perhaps there is hope. I can make your memory loss temporary and it will appear that what Anubis did to you caused you to remember. The others will be no wiser.”
“But if you’re caught, you’ll be in trouble too.”
“My way is already fraught with obstacles, one more will not break the camel’s back.”
Daniel’s voice was soft when he said, “You’re already in trouble, aren’t you? For helping the Abydonians to ascend.”
She nodded gently. “As your Colonel O’Neill would say, ‘Nothing I can’t handle’.” She nervously looked at her shoes and chewed her bottom lip. “The others grow impatient,” she said quietly.
“I understand. Do I have to go now?”
Oma nodded again, a little more decisively this time, and raised her arms towards Daniel. He shut his eyes, instinctively knowing that this was going to hurt. Through his eyelids he saw a brilliant white flash, then he felt suddenly cold. Surprised at the sensation, he cautiously opened his eyes, and realised he was standing in front of Oma as naked as the day he was born. Almost of their own volition his hands shot downwards to cover himself. When he looked up, he realised Oma was running her eyes up and down his body and smiling broadly. “You cannot blame a female ascended being for partaking of the feast when it is offered.”
“Voyeur,” muttered Daniel, under his breath. “And where’s my sweater gone? That was my favourite.”
He thought he heard her say quietly, “I’m keeping it,” just before she raised her hands again. Daniel shut his eyes and this time when the brilliant white flash came, there was the pain of red hot needles all over his body, forcing him to the ground in agony… then suddenly there was nothing… except for a woman’s voice he didn’t recognise, saying, “I’ll miss you.”
“Jonas Quinn, I am returning your disk.” Teal’c held out the floppy to Jonas.
“Is this the… er… story I found?”
The Jaffa nodded solemnly. “I asked Doctor Fraiser’s opinion on the third sex scene.”
Jonas stifled a smile. He’d have loved to be a fly on the wall during that conversation. “Why?” he asked, in what he hoped was an innocent fashion.
“I do not believe it is physically possible.”
“Teal’c… Thank you! I thought exactly the same thing… I mean with all that…” He waved his arms around his head by way of explanation.
The Jaffa nodded. “Doctor Fraiser agreed, and added the observation that it would put quite a strain on the heart and circulatory system.”
“Better not try it then,” said Jonas with a grin.
Teal’c just stared at him, then carefully raised one eyebrow.
“I was joking, Teal’c.”
The Jaffa gave him one of his ‘all Tau’ri are imbeciles and I am entitled to dismember them’ looks, inclined his head slightly, turned and left the room.
Once he was out of sight, Jonas allowed himself a smile. He didn’t think he would ever understand Teal’c, particularly not his sense of humour.
He looked down at the disk in his hand. What should he do with it? He wanted to post it to the list but as it wasn’t his story he knew that he shouldn’t do that without the Colonel’s permission. And as the Colonel didn’t even know that Sam had a copy of it, he couldn’t really ask him. He sighed. Oh well, perhaps when he knew the Colonel a bit better, he might broach the subject and see what he said. Meanwhile, he’d copy onto his hard drive and wipe the floppy. No-one ever used this computer except him, it’d be completely safe while he worked out what to do with it.
A couple of months later, in Jonas’ office…
“There you go, Doctor Jackson. Can you remember how to use it?”
Daniel sat down at the desk and stared doubtfully at the computer. “I guess so. I’m sure it’ll come back to me. I think reading through some old files should help.”
Jonas nodded and hit a few keys. “I’ve put it on file manager for you. Just click on anything that rings a bell. Most of the files on there are yours. Enjoy yourself.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll be going now. I said I’d help Sam with something.” He smiled and added, “I’ll come back in a little while,” then left the room, leaving Daniel alone.
He clicked on one or two files, finding some of his old notes. Smiling in recognition, he nodded. Yes, this was definitely going to help. He just seemed to need a small trigger, then huge chunks of memory came flooding back. He glanced down the files list, looking for anything familiar. His eyes were caught by one particular document… jacksex.doc. Daniel called it up, a deep frown creasing his forehead. He knew he knew this file… but it didn’t sound like archaeological research. He’d only read a few paragraphs when he’d decided that this was very definitely *not* his research… or Jonas’ for that matter. It was about Jack and Sam… and they seemed to be… He felt a blush rise to his cheeks and looked over his shoulder, checking no-one was watching him. Satisfied he was on his own and wouldn’t be disturbed, he carried on reading.
Ten minutes later he was sitting staring at the computer screen, not quite believing what he’d just read. Had this actually happened? Was this a mission report? Surely it contravened some kind of regulation? And why did the file name seem familiar? He took off his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose, then shook his head. No, it couldn’t have happened, he decided, the third time *had* to be the product of a warped imagination. Even with his limited memory, he was pretty sure it wasn’t physically possible. Goodness only knew why he thought he recognised the file, because on reading it he hadn’t remembered anything – it was as if he’d never clapped eyes on it before.
His thoughts were disturbed by a tap on the open door. “Whatcha doin’?”
“Jack! Just the man I wanted to see.”
O’Neill smiled. “So what can I do for you?”
Daniel licked his lips and pointed at the screen. “It’s this…” he said, nervously. “I found it on the computer and I… well… er…” His courage petered out.
Jack leant over his shoulder and had a look. Almost instantly, he yelled, “It’s my story! I thought I’d never see it again!” He grabbed Daniel and gave him a big hug. “Danny boy, I love you!” he said, almost squeezing the breath out of the archaeologist.
“Jack,” he squeaked. “Time out!”
“Sorry, buddy.” O’Neill let Daniel go, then patted him on the shoulder. “I am *so* glad you’re back! No-one has seen this story in four years, then you find it on your first day back! You are so cool!”
Daniel looked at Jack doubtfully. He really wasn’t comfortable with the way this conversation appeared to be going. Perhaps he ought to say something. He cleared his throat. “Jack… before I ascended… were we…?”
The Colonel stared at him blankly. “Were we what?”
The archaeologist ploughed on. “Because if we were, I think you ought to know I must have changed while I’ve been away because I just don’t find you attractive any more. Not in that way. Sorry.”
Daniel watched as Jack computed this information, went bright red and said, in a voice about an octave lower than normal, “No, buddy, we were just buddies… good buddies… nothing like that… at all… no way… certainly not… always preferred ladies myself… ahem.”
A very long and very awkward silence stretched between them. Daniel wished he’d never opened his mouth, he’d hideously embarrassed them both, now he had no idea what to say. He was grateful when Jack broke the silence.
“So where did you find the file?”
Daniel called up the file manager again and showed him, then shrugged. “I was trying to find files that seemed familiar to help me remember my work. God knows why, but I thought I knew that one.”
Jack grinned. “Many moons ago, I asked you to look over it for me, but Carter confiscated it before you actually got to read it.”
The archaeologist nodded. At least that made sense of him knowing the file name but not the contents. “Why did you write it? And what is it doing on Jonas’ computer?”
“The answer to your first question is a very long story, Daniel, and I have no idea what it’s doing on this computer. I thought Carter destroyed both copies.”
A memory tugged at Daniel’s consciousness. “She thinks it’s the most erotic thing she’s ever read,” he blurted out.
The Colonel frowned. “She told you that?”
Daniel smiled and nodded, as he remembered more details. “Yeah, straight after she sent you packing. She put the disk in her pocket… I remember the whole thing!”
“That’s cool. But it still doesn’t explain why Jonas has a copy.” Jack smiled to himself, and the expression ‘cat that got the cream’ sprang to Daniel’s mind. “Carter really thinks it’s the most erotic thing she’s ever read?”
“She did four years ago,” said the archaeologist, trying not to let Jack get too carried away.
Jonas chose that moment to come back into the room. “How are you doing, Doctor Jackson?” Noticing their commanding officer, he added, “Hello, sir.”
“Daniel just found some very interesting reading material, Jonas. Something I wrote almost four years ago, something I thought had been destroyed by Major Carter. A story called ‘When Two Hearts Meet’.”
Jonas shook his head. “Not read that.” He frowned in concentration. “No, definitely not. I’ve got a very good memory for titles.”
Daniel coughed. “Its file name is… jacksex.doc.”
The Kelownan instantly looked guilty and mumbled, “Oh hell,” under his breath.
“I think you’d better come clean, Jonas,” said Daniel.
“I found it on Sam’s lab computer a few months back when I was looking for some naquahdah research. I took a copy so I could read it later.”
“And left it on your computer?”
“It’s a good story, I wanted to be able to reread it!”
“It is, isn’t it?” chimed in Daniel. “Though I did think the third time wasn’t physically possible.”
“Same here! I mean, if they did that, they’d… I mean, one false move and… ” he winced. “And according to Doctor Fraiser, it could cause a heart attack.”
“Ouch!”
Jack cleared his throat rather ostentatiously. “Could I remind you gentlemen just who wrote this story?”
“It’s very good, sir, I think you should post it to the list,” said Jonas, enthusiastically.
“Carter would kill me,” replied Jack. Jonas noticed he looked kind of sad when he added, “Although I’d love to and I’ve got to admit the idea is tempting, I really don’t think it’s an option.”
The Kelownan grinned. “Don’t worry, sir… Your story will reach the wider audience it deserves! Leave it to me, I’ve just had an idea…”
Jonas stared at the screen and frowned. This ‘disclaimer’ really didn’t seem to make much sense – ‘no resemblance to persons living or dead’? He shook his head. It had to go onto the story, it was in the posting rules, but in the case of SG1 it really was a little superfluous. When he’d had the idea to post the Colonel’s story to the list under a pseudonym, he’d thought it’d just be a question of separating it into manageable chunks, then posting it. But there was more to this header than he’d anticipated and he really didn’t have the time to sort it out. The last few days had been hectic - they’d been on the mission to Anubis’ ship and his home planet, now he was leaving and suddenly he seemed to be running out of time to do anything, let alone post this story.
He hoped the Colonel would be pleased. After all, this way, the story got to the list, but Sam couldn’t be mad with O’Neill because he hadn’t actually posted it. At least, he hoped that was how it would work out. Jonas went back to the header. What was left to fill in? He’d done ‘title’, ‘rating’ and ‘status’ but he wasn’t sure what to put for ‘author’ or ‘season’. He was just wondering what to do, when Teal’c walked in. “Are you ready to depart, Jonas Quinn?”
“Almost, Teal’c.” He pointed at the computer. “I’m just trying to finish this header, then I’m going to post jacksex.doc to the list but I’m kind of stuck. Are you any good with these things?”
“I have limited experience, Jonas Quinn. What do you wish to know?”
“I’m not sure what to use for ‘author’. I don’t want to use my name, or the Colonel’s name. What do you think?”
The Jaffa nodded. “I agree that would be unwise. Perhaps ‘Jon’ would be appropriate? It is both the first three letters of your name, and the first three letters of Colonel O’Neill’s full name.”
Jonas grinned. “Of course, Jack is short for Jonathan, isn’t it? Yes, good idea, Teal’c, I’ll use that.” He looked back to the screen. How about ‘season’?”
“Three,” said Teal’c firmly.
“Why three?”
“Do not ask.”
“Okay. ‘Content warnings’?”
“Attempting to imitate activities described in this story may be detrimental to your health,” said the Jaffa solemnly.
Jonas looked at him doubtfully. “You’re joking, right?” It wouldn’t matter how long he stayed on Earth with Teal’c, he didn’t think he’d ever get Jaffa humour.
“That is correct, Jonas Quinn.” The Jaffa smiled. “You need to warn readers about the sexual content of the story.”
The Kelownan nodded. “That just leaves what email address to put on it. I was going to use mine, but now I’m leaving, I don’t think that’s really going to work.” Then he had an idea. “Unless you check my mail, and pass on any feedback to the Colonel?”
“That is acceptable. I will need your password.”
“No problem, I’ll use my samandjack.net address – the password is…” he automatically looked over his shoulder to check no-one was listening, then whispered, “…banana69.” The Jaffa nodded. Jonas finished typing the header, gave it a quick read through and hit ‘send’. He let out a deep sigh of relief. “Well, that’s gone! Let’s hope the list like it and send the Colonel lots of feedback…” He turned and grinned at Teal’c. “…even if that third time isn’t physically possible.”
Author's Note - "jacksex.doc" can be found on this website. Click here to go to the story.