H is for Hammond, he has a red phone...

"So, people, you'll leave for P6X123 tomorrow morning at 0700 hours. Any questions?" The General glanced round the table at SG1.

Daniel raised his hand. "Er, this isn't about the mission, General. But..." He hesitated. He wasn't quite sure how to put this without making himself sound paranoid or possibly insult representatives of America's allies.

"Spit it out, Doctor Jackson," ordered the General, who really wanted to get back to his office for a coffee. He hoped this wasn't going to be a half hour long plea for more time for archaeological research. Folding his hands on the table in front of him, he waited for Daniel to begin.

"Well, there were these two women..." he started.

"*Two* women? Daniel, this is not the forum for telling all about your romantic conquests!" said Jack. Sam giggled. The general wanted to, but managed to restrain himself. Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

The archaeologist glared at him and carried on. " ... in the elevator. It was all very suspicious. They said they were *visiting friends*. Lieutenant Paige was with them, so I guess they had official clearance but who ever visits friends here? It's a top secret facility."

"Strange," said Jack.

"It gets stranger," said Daniel. "They said their names were Leia Jones and India Solo."

"Sounds like they made them up after watching a Harrison Ford movie marathon," said Sam.

"Exactly!" agreed Daniel. "And judging by their accents, they weren't American. I'd guess one was Australian and one British." He turned to General Hammond. "What I want to know is--who are they really?"

Hammond shook his head. "I have absolutely no idea, son. I haven't authorised any visits."

"Did they look dangerous?" asked Jack.

"It depends how you define 'dangerous'. The Aussie seemed pretty good with her elbows."

Jack winced. "Well, I suggest we find them and see who they really are."

The General picked up his red phone. "This is a base wide alert. We are looking for two women acting in a suspicious manner. One is believed to be Australian, one British." He put his hand over the receiver. "Doctor Jackson, what did they look like?"

"Both about five eight, the Aussie had blonde, collar length hair. The Brit wore glasses and had shoulder length dark brown hair. They were both wearing jeans and sweaters and carrying backpacks."

The General nodded and repeated the description into the phone, then added, "Approach these women with extreme caution, they may be dangerous."

I is for Intelligence, and the occasional lack of it...

"So," Ness started, as the conversation about Baby Martouf's name origins wound to a close. "What were you saying earlier about Bert?"

Wendy looked up from her position on the edge of Sam II's bed, Baby Martouf cradled in her arms. "Yes--if you have any goss, we'd love to hear it."

Sam II smiled and leant forward once again. "Well, it seems that his wife..."

Suddenly sirens burst into song, causing Baby Martouf to begin crying again. Hurriedly, Wendy gave him back to his mother, clambering off the bed to stand beside Ness again.

"What the hell... ?" muttered Jack.

"You know," murmured Ness, tipping her head to one side. "I've heard that siren before."

Wendy rolled her eyes. "You mean apart from every episode where SG1 spends at least five minutes on the Base?"

Sending her friend a look that plainly said 'Bite Me', Ness shook her head. "No, I mean the pitch of it. Lola and I were comparing the different siren wav's a couple of weeks ago. We worked out that each siren had a particular sound, and that they were all used for the different emergencies."

Rolling her eyes again, Wendy snorted. "You two have *waaay* too much free time on your hands."

"I'm serious!" Ness protested. "And if I'm not mistaken, that's the siren for 'intruders' or 'unauthorised personnel' on the Base."

Wendy laughed. "Come on Ness, you and I both know that there are no missions scheduled at the moment--therefore there can be none of SG1's usual Base 'problems'. That's the whole reason we're here now instead of tomorrow..." Wendy's voice trailed away.

Eyes narrowing, Ness held out her hand. "Can I have a look at our papers please?"

Gulping silently, Wendy nodded and handed them over. "They're legitimate Ness, I swear." she promised her friend. "I mean, come on, I told you I'd organise it all, and I have. If they weren't legitimate..."

"They're signed by *Maybourne*!" Ness screeched.

"... we wouldn't have got in." Wendy's voice faded before she shook her head and took a defensive position. "Hey, you said I wasn't allowed to say who we were... I could hardly ask Hammond for authorisation papers after that, could I?"

"But *Maybourne*?" Ness repeated.

Wendy shrugged. "He's been begging me for a part in my next story. I promised him a bit part if he got me autho papers with anonymous names, no questions asked."

"That's it," said Ness decisively. "We have to leave. Hammond's probably got people looking for us all over by now--and since we've already met up with Danny, I'm sure they have a description of us too."

J is for Jack, our loveable Colonel...

Sam II spoke up then, her and Jack II having been watching the entire conversation with great interest. "You'll need to change clothes... you'll be recognised in an instant in civvies."

Jack II nodded. "She's right you know." He was silent for a moment as Wendy and Ness cast despairing gazes at each other. "I've got it!" Snapping his fingers, he quickly darted out of the room. Before anyone could say anything, he was back again, a set of fatigues clutched in one hand, a doctor's lab coat and scrubs in the other.

Ness and Wendy raised their eyebrows silently for a moment before taking the proffered disguises.

"May as well," murmured Wendy.

"Yeah," agreed Ness.

The two women had no sooner disappeared into a nearby storage room, when Colonel Jack O'Neill, walked into the clones room.

"Hi guys," he started promptly, wincing as Baby Martouf let loose with another crying bout.

"Sorry," Sam II apologised. "He's a little cranky with all the sirens going off."

Jack grimaced a little. "Yeah, about that. Have you two--"

"What's with the sirens anyway Jack?" Jack II cut in then. "I mean, isn't it a little early--your team isn't due to leave for another twelve hours."

Sending his clone a dirty look, Jack cleared his throat. "Contrary to popular belief, my team does not cause every single disturbance or problem on this Base."

The two clones just stared at him.

"We don't!" Jack protested. Shaking his head, he struggled to bring the conversation back to the reason he was here. "Anyway, like I was saying. Have you two seen any--"

"Doc Fraiser?" Jack II asked.

Jack shook his head. "No--I was going to ask if you'd seen--"

"Yeah," Sam II piped up then, butting in. "We have--she was just in here. Janet said that you need a pre-mission booster shot. I think she was headed towards your office... if you hurry, you can probably catch her there."

Deciding quickly that he was going to be nowhere near his office for the next twelve hours, at the very least, Jack shook his head. "*No*," he all but shouted. "I'm looking for two strange women--"

"*Two* women Jack?" Sam II shook her head. "And strange ones at that? I wouldn't let your Carter here you talking about things like that--she might take offence..."

Realising that this conversation was getting nowhere, Jack finally shook his head. "Never mind guys, I'll..." In the corridor outside, Doc Fraiser's voice wafted through the doors, causing Jack to jump slightly. "I'll be seeing you," he muttered quickly as he took off as fast as he could for the alternate exit.

"Bye!" called out Sam and Jack II, smiles on both their faces.

K is for Kawalsky, our SJ mascot...

Eyes frantically searching the face of every airman he passed, Daniel silently berated himself for not informing the General about the 'visitors' earlier. For all they knew, those two women could be spies for Maybourne... or worse! So preoccupied with his 'mission' and his thoughts, he never saw the airman coming his way until the last moment.

"Omph!" he managed as he and the mystery airman went crashing to the ground.

"Hey, why don't you watch where you're going next time!" came a cross voice as Daniel readjusted his glasses.

"I'm sorry--my fault." Daniel muttered, standing up. Before he could even think of taking another step, however, he found himself firmly ensconced in... a hug?

"Danny-boy!"

Looking up, Daniel found himself staring straight at... "Kawalsky?" he replied.

"Aw, hell buddy--sorry about sending you flying. How've you been?" Kawalsky chattered enthusiastically, finally releasing the archaeologist.

"Fine," Daniel nodded, straightening his clothes. "But what about you... aren't you meant to be off living the high life in seclusion with Siobhan?"

Kawalsky nodded. "Sure am--but she had to work this weekend, so I told her I'd come back here for a visit."

Daniel grinned broadly. "Well, it's great to see you, and I'm sure the others will think so too."

The two men started walking down the corridor.

"So tell me, what's new? Siobhan's been pretty busy lately so I haven't really heard much of the goss--are Sam and Jack still arguing about the 'regs?"

Daniel nodded emphatically. "Oh yeah, but there's been some new developments--I've got a summary of the recent list activity in my office. You can borrow it if you like."

Kawalsky's grin was contagious. "Excellent--I have to admit, I've missed..."

Daniel looked up as Kawalsky's voice trailed away, a look for terror creasing his features. "Kawalsky? Charlie? Are you alright?"

Kawalsky shook his head, staring straight ahead. "Weh... Weh... Weh..." he managed after a moment, fear coating his voice.

Turning, Daniel stared at the two women walking down the corridor. One was obviously a doctor--clothed in scrubs and a lab coat--whilst the other was wearing standard fatigue's. "Kawalsky?" Daniel repeated, confused by his friend's sudden breakdown.

Kawalsky turned and grabbed Daniel by his shirt, pulling him quickly into a nearby room. Panicked, Kawalsky watched cautiously as the two women passed the room and kept going, before turning back to Daniel. "What the hell is going on?" he all but shouted at the archaeologist. "Since when do list members get assigned to the SGC?"

"List members?" Daniel repeated dumbly. "Kawalsky, what are you talking about? Are you sure you're alright?"

"No!" the sometimes-dead-airman shouted. "Not when I see Wendy, a list member from England who knows the art of interrogation better than any other enemy you can possibly think of, walking the halls of the SGC with Ness, web mistress, list mother, and Queen of Angst, Torturer of Souls!"

Eyes widening, Daniel darted back into the hallway. "Hey!" he called out, satisfied to see the two women turn back. For a moment, he wasn't sure if it was them--they were in SGC clothes, and the blonde now had glasses whereas the brunette didn't--but when they looked at each other a second later, muttered an expletive, and took off running, he had no doubt.

The strange women were definitely here... and now he knew who they were.

L is for Lost somewhere in Cheyenne Mountain...

"Have we lost them?" gasped Wendy, as they rounded yet another corner.

Ness skidded to a halt next to her friend. "What?"

"I said, have we lost them?"

They both peered back round the corner and looked down the corridor. Satisfied they were safe for now at least, Wendy rested her hands on her knees and leant over, trying to get her breath back. She looked up at Ness, who was exploring the pockets of the lab coat she was wearing. "Find anything interesting?"

"Not yet." Ness smiled. "Worth a try though. There might have been a security pass in there."

"Wouldn't have been very secure, would it?" Letting out a deep breath, Wendy straightened up. She frowned. "Do you think I could have my glasses back now? I can't see a thing."

"They're a good disguise. Daniel manages without his often enough."

"I'm surprised he doesn't walk into things. Anyway, I think our disguises are shot now--Kawalsky recognised me." Wendy sighed.

"And me." Ness added absently, glancing around them cautiously.

"I didn't know you'd..."

"Oh yeah, me and Charlie go way back."

Wendy raised her eyebrows. Now wasn't the time to ask, but she'd find out what had passed between Ness and Kawalsky one day. Judging by the look on her friend's face, it must have been pretty memorable. She frowned. Reminiscing wasn't getting them out of here. "Could I have my specs... *please*!"

Reluctantly, Ness handed over the glasses. "So what now? I have no idea where we are."

"Neither have I but I know one thing for certain." She pointed upwards. "We need to get to the surface. How difficult can that be?"

They heard footsteps approaching. Frantically looking round, Ness grabbed Wendy and dragged her towards the nearest door. She opened it and they both ran inside.

M is for Maybourne, the Sparkiest of Rats...

"Come on Kawalsky, we'll catch them if we hurry!" Daniel started off down the corridor in pursuit of Ness and Wendy. When he realised he wasn't being followed, he stopped and turned round. "Kawalsky?"

Charlie Kawalsky stared down the corridor as if he'd seen a ghost. He shook his head dumbly.

Daniel walked back to the frightened officer. "Charlie?" he said gently.

"No way," murmured Kawalsky. "There's no way I'm following those two without at least two squads of marines for backup."

The archaeologist sighed. It was too late now, anyway. Ness and Wendy would have got away. "Let's get back to the General's office and report what we know."

Kawalsky nodded mutely in agreement and the two men set off.

When they reached Hammond's office, Sam, Jack, Teal'c and Janet were already there. As soon as he saw Kawalsky, Jack walked over and slapped him on the back. "Good to see you again, Charlie! Siobhan treating you well?"

"Great, Jack. But you've got a major problem here on base."

"Yeah, tell me something I don't know. Two strange women running around. We haven't found them yet, but we will."

"We've just seen them, Jack," said Daniel, taking off his glasses and massaging the bridge of his nose. "Charlie recognised them."

Jack went white. "My god! You recognised them from one of our black ops missions? They're spies?" He was horrified at the prospect.

"No. The two strange women are Ness and Wendy from the mailing list."

There was a moment's stunned silence, then Sam, Hammond, Jack and Janet said in unison, "I want to talk to them!"

Teal'c added, "I also wish to engage them in conversation."

"Oh, tell me about it!" said Daniel with feeling, shooting a quick look at Janet, who winked at him. He rubbed his hand across his face.

There was a knock at the door. It opened, revealing a very embarrassed Lieutenant Paige. "You wanted to see me, sir?" he said to the General.

"Yes, son. It's about the women you were escorting."

"Ms Solo and Ms Jones? The one's that got away. I'm sorry, sir."

"Don't worry about that for now. By all accounts they're tricky customers. What I want to know is who authorised their passes."

"Colonel Maybourne, sir."

Jack snorted with derision. "I thought Ness and Wendy were better than that. Getting involved with Maybourne, of all people!"

Hammond dismissed Paige and turned to his staff. "I'm going to call Maybourne to try and find out what's going on." Before he had chance his phone rang. He picked it up. "Is he? Send him down... for once I'm pleased to see him." He replaced the receiver on its cradle. "Speak of the devil. Maybourne's just arrived at the base and is requesting to see me."

N is for Needing reinforcements...

Ness peered through the crack in the door. "I think we can probably go now. I can't see anyone." She began to open the door further, only to slam it shut suddenly. "Damn. Simmon's is coming this way--he's the last person we need to run into." She sighed. "Getting out of here isn't going to be easy." When her friend didn't respond, Ness turned round and saw Wendy studying a large map of the world pinned to the wall. "Wen?"

"Mmm."

"What are you doing? We're supposed to be escaping, not looking at maps."

"I was wondering about calling for reinforcements. I've found Colorado Springs." She pointed at the map. "Which list members are near here?"

Ness shrugged and looked over Wendy's shoulder. "Lola's in California, which is there." She indicated a spot to the left of Colorado Springs.

"And so's Sue." They stared at the map. "I'm sure they'd both help. If Lola isn't too busy analysing siren noises, that is."

Ness glared at her, before deciding to ignore the dig. "And just how far do you reckon it is from here to there?"

"About four inches?"

"Be serious!"

"I am! It can't be far, can it?"

Ness pointed to the right of the map. "Er, Wen, look how big Britain is."

Wendy looked at Britain, then again at the USA. "We're on our own," she muttered.

O is for Opening another can of worms...

Colonel Maybourne swallowed hard when he entered General Hammond's office. He really hadn't wanted to explain why he was here in front of an audience.

"Take a seat, Colonel," said Hammond smoothly. "There's something we'd like to know."

Maybourne's eyes swivelled nervously around the room. "Yes?" he said weakly.

"Why did you authorise visitor's passes for Vanessa Nichols and Wendy Parkinson?"

"That's between me and them," Maybourne answered evasively.

"Cut the crap, Sparky," said Jack. "We know who they are and that they're here... Somewhere. What we want to know is how you got involved and *why* they're here."

Maybourne decided that on this occasion, he'd try telling the truth. It might confuse them. "They wanted to visit the baby. Wendy approached me for the passes."

"That makes sense," Janet piped up then. "They told me they were with CM Enterprises..."

"CM Enterprises?" repeated Jack.

"Cloning Machine Enterprises," Sam filled in for him. Jack sent her a grateful look.

"... and that they'd been monitoring the progress of Sammy-Wammy's pregnancy." Janet finished.

Hammond sighed. "As if they don't monitor enough things around here."

Maybourne nodded. "They are rather covert. We've actually been meaning to talk to them for some time now... we want to know who gives them their information, and how. We think there's a lot we can learn from their operation."

At the sound of his voice, everyone turned and glared at him.

"What?" he asked defensively, crossing his arms. "That list is a global network that knows more about this Base then we do on occasion. We could have a very serious security breach here!"

Daniel snorted. "So you decided to compound that by giving two of the list's ringleaders papers into the Base. Very generous of you, Colonel," he finished with a touch of sarcasm in his voice to rival that of Jack's.

Jack shook his head. "Nah, something about this doesn't make sense. They may know a lot, but their interests in us," he glanced at Sam nervously. "Are largely biased. I doubt there's a security risk involved here."

Hammond nodded. "I agree. So what did you want in return Colonel? Honestly." asked the General.

Maybourne swallowed nervously and looked around. Deciding he may as well come clean, he sighed and then mumbled, "Wendy agreed to put me in one of her stories."

"So you were feeling a little left out, were you Maybourne?" said Jack, sarcasm coating his voice.

Sam cleared her throat, hoping the story didn't feature a Sam/Maybourne pairing. She shuddered, then asked, "So why are you here today, sir?"

Maybourne pouted. "She hasn't posted anything yet. I wanna to know when my story's coming out!"

part three