"Dreaming Of Mary Sues" by Wendy Parkinson & Vanessa Nichols
Title: Dreaming of Mary Sues
Authors: Vanessa Nichols and Wendy Parkinson
Email: nessi_anne@yahoo.com wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
Category: humour, S/J, D/J
Spoilers: minor mentions of Divide and Conquer, Window of
Opportunity, The
Curse
Season/Sequel info: Set Fourth Season, Fourteenth in the Danny
Lurks series,
sequel to Everybody's Talking.
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none, other than extreme silliness
Summary: Ness and Wendy are invited to visit a baby
Date: 11th November 2000
Lyrics from 'Hound Dog' by Elvis Presley and 'YMCA' by the
Village People
used without permission. No infringement intended.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko
Corp and
Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely
for
entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no
copyright or
trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real
persons, living
or dead, is coincidental.
All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly
appreciated. No
flames please.
Author's Notes - Ness: Ok, well I blame Wendy for this one. :) We
were actually working on a different DL story, but she went and
wrote
part 13 *elbows Wendy* which made that one redundant, and told me
to
think of something else... the rest, as they say, is history! As
with
our last collaboration, this was a labor of love, a labor of
laughter... and a labor of super-quick writing and little sleep!
But
we had fun, and that's the main thing. I hope you enjoy it! :)
Author's Notes - Wendy: Credit where credit's due - this was Ness'
idea
and she had it all planned out.... but there was a slight problem
with this
concept - she didn't really tell me what the plan was! I think
that (and all
the elbowing) was revenge for me writing Danny Lurks 13. As a
result, over
the last six days we've written something that's entertained us
immensely -
I hope you enjoy it too.
For those of you who are interested in this kind of thing (I know
*someone*
is bound to ask!) - Ness wrote 'a', 'b', 'e', 'f', 'i', 'j', 'k',
'o', 'p',
'q', 'v', 'w', 'x' and the epilogue. I did the rest. But we
edited each
other so heavily the lines between our parts are now rather
blurred.
'Mary Sue' is an original character in a fan fiction, based on
the author,
who saves the day, is incredibly clever, beautiful and witty, and
probably
has a romance with the hero. Basically, she's too good to be true.
We try to avoid her.... ;-)
And now, the story...
Introducing... in all it's glory...
"Dreaming Of Mary Sues" by Wendy Parkinson &
Vanessa Nichols
A is for Accepting invitations that
we probably shouldn't have...
"I'm not so sure this is such a great idea..."
"Oh for crying out loud..." muttered Wendy, as she
struggled to keep the rental car on the road. "Ness, we've
already been through this."
In the passenger seat, Ness shook her head. "And I still don't
think you're listening to me."
"I'm listening, I'm listening!" Wendy protested,
dropping the car down another gear as the road took another
incline.
"Then why aren't you turning this rust-bucket around and
heading back to the airport?"
"Because even though I'm listening to you, I'm not agreeing
with you." The brunette answered, adjusting her glasses.
"Well, you should be." Ness responded automatically.
"I mean, what makes you think we're going to be able to get
in, anyway?"
"It was all in the invitation Ness--passes, a guide, and
assurances of entry."
"Anonymous passes, you mean." When Wendy didn't answer,
Ness snuck another look at her friend. "Wendy..."
"Ok, ok," sending her a quick glance, Wendy smiled.
"Anonymous passes--but why you want to be anonymous when we're
going to see your friends, I have no idea."
"Your friends, you mean. They sent *you* the invitation."
Wendy rolled her eyes. "That's only because *you* told them
all to email *me* instead of you!"
"They crashed my entire ISP by flooding me with emails--I
was pulled up for questioning by the police over the possibility
of moi being an international hacker, or industrial spammer or
something."
"Industrial spammer?"
"Or something," Ness repeated, a small smile of her own
edging out.
Both women shared a grin before returning their gazes to the
scenery.
"Besides," Ness continued a moment later. "Daniel's
still not impressed with me because I set up the danandjan group--the
last thing I need is for him to corner me in a room with a bunch
of heavy rocks."
"Artefacts, Ness--they're called artefacts." Wendy
mimicked, slowing down automatically as they approached the first
gate.
"Whatever." answered Ness, a little absently. "Wen?"
"Yeah?"
"Is it just me or does that security guard look familiar?"
As the car slowed down at the first barricade the MP in question
moved towards Wendy's window. "I'm sorry ladies, this is a
restricted area--can I see some identification please?"
Both women just stared at him.
"Ladies... your identification please?"
"MacGyver?" Wendy managed in the end, eyebrows raised
sky-high.
The MP nodded slowly before gesturing to the name on his uniform.
"Uh, yes ma'am. Private Angus MacGyver the second... now,
may I see your identification please."
Eyes wide, Wendy turned to grab their papers. As she handed them
to the officer, Ness suddenly started laughing. "Oh my god,"
she chuckled. "I just figured it out."
"Figured what out, ma'am?" asked the Private, even as
Wendy raised an eyebrow.
"Can't you see it Wen," Ness asked her friend. "He
has Siobhan and the Cloning Machine written all over him."
She watched as comprehension dawned on Wendy's face, the two of
them looking to the officer once again. "So he does."
Wendy murmured, shaking her head as she sized up the man standing
next to their car. "Well, well, well--nice to meet you Mac
II." In the passenger seat, Ness began snickering
uncontrollably.
"Likewise ma'am--you're familiar with the CM operation then?"
At the women's nods, Mac smiled in what seemed like relief.
"Who ordered you, Mac?" Wendy asked curiously,
retrieving their identification.
"General Hammond, ma'am. He remembered reading a report
about my security appraisal on the Mountain several years ago and
decided that I should be on staff at all times." Mac paused
and then looked at the women hopefully, leaning in towards the
car. "I don't suppose you know of any way that I could leave,
could you? I really can't tell you how much I hate being in the
military--why, the whole issue of guns alone is enough to make me..."
Both women started to shake their heads.
"Oh," Mac said. "Well, it was worth a shot."
Straightening, he checked his clipboard and then gestured to the
'gate operator. "Drive on through ladies. Follow the arrows
to your left until you reach the Visitors Area. An MP has been
assigned to you for the duration of your stay--he'll help you
from there. Goodbye."
"Bye." chorused Wendy and Ness, and the car moved
forward.
B is for Bert, our guide for the
evening...
"So, who do you think our MP will be?" asked Wendy as
she parked the car and the two of them got out.
Stretching her legs gratefully after the cramped confines of the
rental car, Ness shrugged. "Who knows? But," she added
a moment later. "After seeing who the guard was on the Gate,
I'm ready for anybody."
Wendy chuckled. "Yes--me too."
By the time they'd turned and retrieved their backpack's, an MP
was standing at the rear of the car. "Your identification
papers please?"
Jumping a little from the unexpected voice, Ness cursed under her
breath as Wendy handed over the desired papers once again. The MP
perused them for a moment, glancing at both of them before
returning his scrutiny to the papers. Moving closer to Wendy,
Ness nudged her with her shoulder. 'What now?' Ness mouthed when
Wendy looked at her. Shrugging, Wendy started to reply when the
MP spoke.
"Leia Jones?" the guard asked then, looking at Ness.
"And... India Solo?" he finished, glancing to Wendy.
Mouth opening, Ness started to turn to Wendy again, only for her
friend to step forward. "Yes." she answered smoothly,
taking the papers back. "Are you our escort?"
The MP nodded. "Yes ma'am--Lieutenant Robert Paige."
Turning slightly, he gestured that they start walking. "If
you'll follow me, I'll escort you down to the quarters that have
been assigned to you for your stay."
As they followed the Lieutenant, Ness nudged Wendy again. "Leia
Jones? India Solo?" she muttered under her breath.
Smiling innocently, Wendy shrugged before whispering back. "You
were the one who decided we should have a Harrison Ford movie
marathon last week!" Looking forward again, Wendy raised her
voice. "So Bert," she called out cheekily. "How's
the wife?"
Almost tripping over his feet in surprise, Lieutenant Robert 'Bert'
Paige turned back to face the snickering women. "Uh, fine...
ma'am." he answered after a moment's hesitation, before
gesturing that they precede him into the elevator. And as the
doors closed, Bert closed his eyes--if his boyfriend ever found
out that he was pretending to have a wife, his romance-life was
going to hit an extremely rocky patch.
C is for Christmas challenge, we
have one each year...
Ness and Wendy turned to face the doors as Bert pressed the
button to start their descent. They looked at each other and
grinned. "I can't believe we're actually here,"
whispered Wendy.
"I know, it's great, isn't it?" agreed her friend.
"Just think how many stories there have been where Sam and
Jack have done it in a lift." Wendy looked round, slightly
awe-struck.
"It could be this lift, couldn't it?"
Bert glanced over his shoulder at the women. So the rumours about
O'Neill and Carter were true, were they? He always thought there
was something going on between those two. Wait till he got to the
commissary, he'd tell everyone what he'd heard! He turned back
and pretended to concentrate on the display in front of him.
The two women were so caught up in their conversation, they hadn't
realised he was listening. "I still think trying to remain
anonymous is a bad idea," said Wendy
"Please! We've been through this, you're beginning to sound
like a broken record."
Deciding that there was no point in trying to change Ness' mind,
Wendy said, "So, are we having a Christmas challenge on the
list this year?"
"Definitely--it's a list and archive tradition. I've got a
few ideas, but nothing concrete. What about you? Any thoughts?"
Wendy stared up at the descending numbers above the door, as if
searching for inspiration. "How about..." she said
slowly, "Sam and Jack exchanging presents..."
Ness nodded. "Already thought of that one."
"A snowman..."
"Hmm, sounds promising..."
"Someone dressed as a Santa Claus..." Wendy continued.
"And, a partridge in a pear tree..."
"A partridge in a pear tree?" Ness echoed incredulously.
"Yes, and you can't have someone singing or listening to The
Twelve Days of Christmas," Wendy added firmly.
"So you actually want partridges in pear trees in these
stories?" Ness asked dubiously. Wendy nodded. "Remind
me again why I agreed to write a collaboration with you."
"You admire my serious, thought-provoking, angst-ridden,
sensible approach to writing fan fiction?"
Ness made a choking noise. "Hah! No, I think it's because
you've got an ever crazier sense of humour than I have!"
Wendy smiled brilliantly and made a mini-bow. "But those
idea's are pretty good. I'll definitely see if I can work them
into the challenge when I release it on December first."
The women both grinned as the lift came to a halt.
D is for Doctor Daniel Jackson, of
course...
"If you would like to follow me," said Bert, gesturing
towards the open doors.
Ness and Wendy started to follow their guide, still chattering to
each other.
"So who do you think we'll see next?" asked Wendy
"Don't know. We'll have to keep our eyes peeled, won't we?"
Ness smiled suddenly. "We're like a couple of big kids, aren't
we?"
"Yes, great, isn't it?
As she was looking at Ness, Wendy didn't see the man approaching
fast on her left, his head down, immersed in some papers he was
carrying. He walked straight into her, sending her cannoning into
Ness and almost knocking her over.
"I'm terribly sorry. Are you all right?" he asked, as
he bent down to pick up some papers he'd dropped. "I really
should learn to look where I'm going."
The women's mouths dropped open in surprise. Wendy straightened
her glasses and managed to stammer, "I'm fine, thanks. I
wasn't looking where I was going either. Not your fault."
The man stood up, the unruly sheaf of papers tucked firmly under
his arm. He held out his hand. "I'm Daniel Jackson. I don't
think we've met. Are you new around here?"
"I'm W..." began Wendy as she shook the outstretched
hand, only to be rewarded by a violent dig in the ribs by Ness.
She shot her friend a filthy look, then carried on. "I'm W...
weally pleased to meet you."
Ness groaned, and decided to take matters into her own hands.
There was no way she was going to let Daniel know who she was. He
owned a lot of heavy artefacts. "This is India Solo and I'm
Leia Jones."
Wendy muttered something under her breath about friends with
sharp elbow's, rubbing her ribs.
Resolutely ignoring her friend, Ness carried on. "We're here
visiting friends."
Daniel looked from the blonde to the brunette, then back again.
He didn't believe a word of it. No-one ever visited friends in
Cheyenne Mountain, it was a top secret facility. And those names...
aliases, if he'd ever heard them. Anyone would think they'd made
the names up after watching a Harrison Ford movie marathon.
But on the other hand, they did have an official escort and
presumably, valid paperwork. This thought led the archaeologist
to an inescapable conclusion. The powers that be had decided to
share secrets again without telling their personnel. These two
must be the representatives of foreign governments here on a fact-finding
mission. From Britain and Australia, if he'd guessed their
accents correctly.
He'd have to bring this up with the General at the briefing. The
briefing! Uh-oh! He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, I'm
going to have to go. I'm already late for a briefing. I'll
perhaps see you later?"
"Perhaps," agreed Wendy, as they watched Daniel
disappear down the corridor.
"Not if we see you first," muttered Ness under her
breath.
"Spoilsport!" retaliated Wendy. "He's even nicer
in real life than when you see him on... you know. Taller, bluer
eyes..." Her voice trailed off.
Ness rolled her eyes. "What on earth am I going to do with
you if we meet Jack?"
"Use smelling salts?"
E is for Enterprises, Emails, and
Extreme Scrutiny...
Having left their overnight bags in the VIP quarter's assigned to
them, and after whispering furiously about the previous occupants
who'd been there before them, Bert agreed that it was probably
time that they finally got to the crux of their visit--the
Infirmary.
"Still adamant about the anonymous issue..." Wendy
started to query as they followed Bert through the concrete
hallways.
"Broken record." Ness reminded her.
"Because Janet, at the very least," Wendy continued
anyway. "Would no doubt be ecstatic to see you. In her
emails to me, she described you as the Goddess for Romantic's..."
"And for that reason alone," Ness responded. "Anonymity
is a good thing. Ever since I started the DJ list for her, she's
been pestering me about beta'ing stories for her, introducing
specific topics and subjects onto the list... all in the guise of
making Daniel more and more aware of her 'sexual appeal'. I mean,
I love the good Doctor, and I think she and Danny will make a
great couple, but there's only so much *I* can take..."
"Ms Solo? Ms Jones?" Both women looked up as Bert
halted before a set of double grey doors. "The Infirmary."
he announced simply. Pushing the doors open, he gestured that
they precede him into the room.
"Wow," Wendy murmured. "It's..."
"Bigger." Ness answered, following her friend's wide-eyed
gaze. "On the..." she coughed a little. "'Footage'
it seemed so much smaller."
Wendy nodded, glancing at the rows of beds. "Yeah... you
know, I reckon this room is almost as big as the Gateroom..."
Before Ness could reply, a white-coated figure approached them.
"Can I help you?"
Bert stepped forward, saluting quickly. "Doctor Fraiser--these
are Ms Jones and Ms Solo--they're here to visit Samantha Carter
the second, and Jack O'Neill the second."
"Actually," Wendy interrupted. "We're here to see
Baby Martouf." Holding out her hand, she smiled broadly at
the Doctor. "Doctor Fraiser, I've heard a lot about you... I'm
India Solo, it's nice to meet you."
Dubiously, Janet shook the offered hand. "And you are?"
she asked, looking at Ness.
"Leia Jones--likewise, it's nice to meet you."
"Uh huh," Janet murmured. "Well ladies, I'm sure
it's nice to meet you too." Folding her arms over the
clipboard she was holding, Janet stared at them both. "Might
I ask how you know Sammy--I mean, Sam and Jack the second?"
Wendy and Ness shared a quick look. "Uh," Ness started,
only for Wendy to step forward.
"We're with CM Enterprises," Wendy informed her
smoothly. "Since the discovery of SCII's pregnancy we've
been in contact with the clones, monitoring the progress--it's
quite unusual you see, for clones to reproduce without the
benefit of a cloning machine. When SCII and JOII invited us out
here to visit them and their baby, well," Wendy and Ness
shared a smile.
"We simply *couldn't* refuse." Ness finished sweetly.
"I see." Janet repeated doubtfully. "Well, I
suppose it'll be alright--you've obviously been given the
appropriate clearance, otherwise you wouldn't be here..."
Shrugging, she gestured behind her. "If you'll follow me
then."
F is for Family, the SGC's first...
"Sam, Jack," Janet called out as they approached a
sectioned off corner of the Infirmary, "you have some
visitors."
"Come in," came a very familiar voice.
Pushing the curtain aside, Janet indicated that Ness and Wendy
follow her in. "This is Leia Jones and..."
"India Solo." Wendy finished as the women smiled at the
two clones.
"Nice names." quipped Jack II.
Ness coughed. "Thank you. Uh, nice animals."
Everybody glanced at the collection of stuffed toys adorning the
nearby stand. Once a trolley for holding medical instruments, the
cart now held pink elephants, yellow ducks, blue teddy-bears,
green puppy-dogs, purple giraffes, orange monkeys, a white kitty-cat,
and a black and red fish.
"Thanks," Sam II replied, eyes narrowing at her guests.
An awkward silence filled the room. "Um, well..." Wendy
muttered, trying to think of something to say. "Oh,"
she exclaimed a moment later. "We have some presents for
Baby Martouf," she glanced around briefly. "Who's not
here..." she finished, a disappointed tone coating her voice.
"He's sleeping." Sam II answered promptly, only for her
announcement to be drowned out by the sound of a baby crying.
"Or not." Jack II drawled. Getting up from his chair
beside Sam II's bed, he headed for the doorway. "I'll go get
him."
Janet nodded. "I'll come with you."
And then there were three. The three women--Bert having decided
to wait back at the Infirmary entrance--stared at each other.
"So who are you two? I mean really?" Sam II demanded
then.
Wendy and Ness looked at each other. "What? We're..."
"Did Maybourne send you? The NID?"
"What?!" Wendy and Ness exclaimed together.
"Because if you're after my son, I'm tellin' you now that..."
"No, of course not." Ness protested.
"YOU invited US here!" Wendy answered automatically,
only to wince as Ness dug her elbow into her side... again.
"No, I didn't." Sam II replied. "Darling Jack and
I invited Wen..." she paused, her mouth dropping open.
"Holy Hannah!" she exclaimed. "You two are..."
"Ssh!" Ness murmured quickly, glancing around to see if
anyone was nearby.
"But..." Sam II started only for Wendy to interrupt her.
"I'm Wendy, and this is Ness," she said quickly, moving
out of Ness' reach. "But you can't tell anyone--we don't
want people to know we're here, ok?"
G is for Gifts, for a baby so small...
Sam II frowned. "Why?"
"Long story," muttered Wendy with feeling, rubbing her
ribs.
"Let's just say, some people around here are a little upset
with us," Ness said.
"You," corrected Wendy. "They're not upset with me."
"Okay, *me*," agreed Ness reluctantly.
Sam II grinned. "Let me guess, that would be Daniel and
Janet? He's mad at you for starting the danandjan list, and she's
mad because it still hasn't worked."
"You got it," said Wendy. "How did you..."
"It's easy to overhear a lot in here." Sam II smiled
mischievously. "You wouldn't believe what I've heard about
Bert." She gestured towards the door, where their escort was
still standing. She leant forward conspiratorially. "Did you
know his wife wasn't..."
She was interrupted by Jack II returning with baby Martouf.
"Here's the little guy. Wide awake and ready for action!"
He passed the swaddled infant to Sam II. As she nestled the baby
in her arms, Ness and Wendy leant in closer to get a better view.
"Oh he's adorable," said Ness.
"Absolutely gorgeous," agreed Wendy. "What
beautiful blue eyes."
"The presents!" hissed Ness, nudging Wendy.
"Of course." Wendy passed a small package to Sam II.
"That's from me."
Ness gave a similar sized parcel to Jack II. "And that's
from me."
"Thank you. That's very kind of you both." Sam II
turned to the baby. "Come on Marty, shall we see what nice
gifts Ness and Wendy have bought you?"
Immediately, Ness groaned and Wendy tried to hide a smile. Sam II,
realising her mistake, suddenly looked up guiltily.
"Wendy and Ness?" Jack II repeated, narrowing his eyes.
"I thought you said your names were..."
All three women just looked at him.
Jack's eyes suddenly went wide. "Wendy and Ness," he
repeated again. "As in Ness--list and archive mom and author
Ness? And as in Wendy--author of 'Blackout' Wendy?"
Both women reluctantly nodded.
"They're using aliases, Darling Jack, for personal security
reasons." Sam II informed her partner then, sending him a
look that clearly stated 'go with it'. Jack nodded, a confused
expression on his face as Sam II started to unwrap the present
Wendy had given her.
"What did you get?" Ness asked Wendy. "You never
said."
"Nor did you," replied the brunette.
"Oh, they're lovely," exclaimed Sam II as she revealed
two small teddy bears, one dressed as Robin Hood, the other
dressed as Maid Marion.
"They were in one of your fics! Not to mention *completely*
British!" said Ness, horrified. "They're bound to
recognise us now!"
Wendy shrugged. "I thought it was appropriate. Anyway, I
posted that story over a year ago, no-one will remember it now.
Besides that, do you know how many tourists I had to elbow out
the way when I went to buy them?"
Ness pursed her lips, for once lost for words.
Jack II passed Sam II the other parcel. "I'll put these two
characters with the others, shall I, Sammy Wammy?" He took
Robin and Marion and perched them between the duck and the fish.
"That would be lovely, Darling Jack," Sam II said as
she began unwrapping the other present. "Oh, and this is..."
Sam II's eyes widened slightly and she coughed subtly. "...
is wonderful too."
Wendy turned to Ness in disbelief. "A fat-assed wombat?"
Ness took a defensive pose. "That is Fatso, *the* fat-assed
wombat--he was the unofficial mascot of the Sydney 2000 Olympic
Games--he was very hard to get."
Jack II stifled a chuckle as he took the wombat and placed it
next to the giraffe on the trolley.
"You've both been very generous." Sam II told them both.
Wendy shook her head. "And you don't think *that* might give
them just a teensy weensy clue as to who we really are?"
"No."
Wendy rolled her eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~