Title: Bad Hair Day
Author: Wendy Parkinson
Email: wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
Category: Humour, S/J, D/J
Spoilers: Small Victories, Urgo
Season/Sequel info: Set after Small Victories, season four. Twelfth in the Danny Lurks series, sequel to Twisted.
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none
Summary: Janet has a plan and Sam isn't happy with the list.
Date: 4th July 2000


Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

Author's notes: Please bear in mind that I haven't seen Small Victories, so yet again I'm basing a story on spoilers... <g>

Huge thanks go to Sue Corkill for providing an American point of view. Cheers, Sue!

And, as always, thanks to the samandjack list for their 'inspirational' discussions. <g>

All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. No flames please.

copyright Wendy Parkinson July 2000

BAD HAIR DAY

"I'm telling you, Sam, he may be almost a genius with languages and archaeology but when it comes to women he's as dim as a fifteen watt bulb."

"Janet! Has it occurred to you that he's just not interested?" The two women sat in Janet's living room sharing a bottle of Chardonnay. Another empty bottle sat on the table with the remains of a Chinese take-out.

The doctor frowned, then shook her head very deliberately. Sam noticed her friend's speech was slightly slurred. "No. He might *think* he's not interested but I don't think he's thought about thinking about it."

Sam burst out laughing. "How many have you had, Janet?"

"How many... um... good question, Major. Good question."

Sam grinned. They'd decided they needed to relax after the trauma of the last few weeks and Janet had suggested a girl's night in. Sam was thoroughly enjoying herself. She'd only had a couple of drinks because she was driving so Janet had had the lion's share of the wine. It was after they'd emptied the first bottle that the doctor had admitted her feelings for Daniel. Sam had been a little surprised but reflected ruefully that she probably wasn't half as surprised as Daniel would be if he knew.

"And another good question, *Major*. I hear you kissed the colonel at Christmas. What was it like?"

Sam felt her face colouring up. "I... er... well..."

"Come on, Sam." Janet leant forward conspiratorially. "Is he a good kisser? In my professional opinion, it must have been good or you wouldn't be so red in the face."

"I'm just a bit warm," countered Sam defensively. She decided a change of subject would be in order, before Janet started asking pointed questions about what had happened between her and the colonel while they were stranded after destroying Thor's ship. "So how are you going to get Daniel to notice you?"

"Oh I've already done it. The only obvious thing under the circumstances."

Sam's mind began to race with visions of what her friend might consider to be 'obvious', particularly in her current state of inebriation. Had she sent their shy archaeologist a confession of undying love? Grabbed him and kissed him when he was least expecting it? Bought him embarrassing presents? She shook herself and gave up speculating. "So what did you do?"

"I mailed Ness."

Janet seemed to think this explained everything. Sam shrugged. Ness could be really helpful; she'd been great when the colonel had got back from Adora. "Impartial advice is always good, Jan. So what did she suggest you do?"

"Nothing. I asked her to do something for me."

Sam was dying of curiosity. "Which is?"

"She's started the danandjan list!" Janet announced triumphantly.

Sam's mouth dropped open in amazement. "Er... what good will that do? He's subscribed to samandjack."

"Ness mailed samandjack announcing the new list. He'll know about it. He always reads *all* his mails."

"I still don't see what good it'll do."

Janet gazed dreamily into space. "He'll start thinking about us, he'll come and find me in the infirmary, his blue eyes shining with desire, he'll ask me out for a romantic dinner, we'll talk and get to know each other better, then I'll ask him back to my place for coffee, he'll gaze into my eyes and tell me how he's worshipped the ground I walk on for the past three years, that he's eternally grateful to me for saving his life more than once. Then he'll take me in his strong, muscular arms and kiss me, lighting a fire inside that can never be extinguished, then he'll pick me up and carry me to the bedroom and make tender, passionate, exquisite love to me all night...."

Eyes shining with desire? Strong, muscular arms? Were they both talking about the same person? Sam shook her head. She guessed that as she thought of the guy in question as a brother, she was bound to have a different perception of him. Taking a large gulp of wine, she had another think about what Janet had just said.

Wait up! Worshipped the ground she walked on? A fire that can never be extinguished? Tender, passionate, *exquisite* love? Boy, Janet had got it bad. Sam swivelled to face her friend. "Have you been reading Harlequin romances again, Janet?"

"I don't understand it, Jack. I've never *said* anything... or *done* anything..."

The colonel looked at his friend sympathetically. When he'd suggested going out for a drink to celebrate not only saving the world, but living through the experience, he'd envisaged a fun night, a few laughs. But it wasn't to be; Daniel seemed in danger of crying in his beer. "Buddy, it's just a mailing list. It's not real life."

"But I don't think of her like that... not Janet... not really...." He stared morosely into his glass.

"How do you know she feels *like that*? She might be just as horrified about this as you."

"She's not. I had to use her computer in the infirmary this morning. She'd left it running on the e-mail program." He glanced up at Jack. "She's subscribed to danandjan."

"Oh." Jack didn't know what to say.

"And she's writing a story...."

"How do you know that? You didn't go digging through her stuff, did you? Remember how you hated it when I did that?"

"No, she'd been writing on a notebook. It was open, on her desk, in full view right next to the computer. I saw my name, so I couldn't help looking." He swallowed hard. "It's going to be an NC17."

"Really? Do you think she'd let me read it?"

Daniel's eyes flared with anger. "Whose side are you on?"

"Come on, Daniel, you've read enough stories about Sam and me doing it. Why can't I read one about you and Janet?"

Daniel glared at Jack and downed the rest of his beer. "Want another?" he said, as he stood up.

"Yeah, thanks." The colonel watched his friend walk to the bar. When he came back, he'd try and change the subject.

"I don't read Harlequin Romances but I've been having a shot at writing," said Janet, waving her glass in the air.

"Writing? A story for the list?"

"Yeah... the danandjan list... what I'd like him to do me... in graphic detail...."

"Janet, you're incorrigible!"

The doctor giggled. "Why don't you write one about the colonel?"

"I couldn't..."

"Why not? You're not going to tell me you don't have fantasies about him?"

"I actually dreamt about him once," Sam admitted shyly.

"Really? What happened?"

"It was after that thing with Urgo. I dreamt I was lying on a beach in Maui, wearing a string bikini and he was massaging sun tan oil into my back...."

"Just your back?" asked Janet mischievously.

"At first... then he asked me to turn over... then he kissed me..." Sam's voice petered out as she relived the memory.

"And then what?"

"He told me I'd get horrible white lines in my suntan if I kept the bikini on...."

"And you...?"

"Well, shall we say it was definitely NC17 after that!"

"Details, girl! I need details!"

Sam laughed and shook her head. "No way!"

Daniel came back to the table and set the glasses down with a thump. Jack winced. He was surprised they hadn't broken.

"So, Daniel, what have the list been talking about while we've been saving the world?"

The archaeologist looked up at him, his eyes slightly unfocussed. "They've been *really* talkative. I've only read the mails from when I was in the infirmary so far. I've got hundreds more to get through."

"So what have they been saying?"

"They were really into the 'Bad Sex Challenge'."

"Bad Sex?" echoed Jack, as his heart sank. That didn't sound very flattering.

"Mmmm." Daniel took a swig of his beer.

"As in 'bad' meaning 'kind of naughty'?" suggested Jack, more hopefully than he felt.

"No. 'Bad' meaning 'disastrous', 'awful', 'a huge mistake'...."

Jack cut him off. "Okay, okay, I get the idea." He leant on the table and rested his head on his hands. "Any takers?"

Daniel nodded as he drained his glass.

Overcome with morbid curiosity, Jack asked, "So what happened in these stories?"

Prodding his friend in the chest, Daniel slurred, "You don't wanna know."

"My fault, huh?"

"Some of them."

Jack peered into his glass. "I'd never do that to Sam."

"Some of them think you might."

"You know, buddy, getting drunk doesn't seem quite such a bad idea...."

~ The Next Morning ~

Daniel sat in his office, reading list mails with one eye shut. Jack was slumped in a nearby chair, apparently asleep. The only illumination came from the computer screen.

"Good morning, sir, Daniel," Sam said as she breezed into the room, followed by Teal'c. She switched on the light.

Jack reluctantly opened his eyes and grimaced. "Keep it down to a dull roar, will you, Carter?"

Taking in the two men's dishevelled appearance, she smiled to herself. "Good night out, was it?"

"Great," muttered Daniel, through gritted teeth.

Teal'c, who had his head tipped slightly to one side, said, "Doctor Fraiser appears to be suffering from the same affliction. Do you believe it could be contagious, Major Carter?"

"I very much doubt it," replied Sam, then she noticed what Daniel was reading. "So what are they saying? Are they pleased we saved the world... again?"

"Yeah, kinda."

"For crying out loud, Carter! Get real! You and I are stranded on an alien planet, out of touch with base for over a week, and you expect them to bother about a minor detail like saving the world? All they're going to care about is what we might have got up to."

Daniel interrupted. "Guys, you never said what happened when you were stranded."

"No, we didn't," said Sam flatly.

"Well observed, Daniel," added Jack.

Deciding this line of questioning was getting him nowhere, Daniel turned to Teal'c. "You were there. What happened?"

Teal'c frowned, as if concentrating very hard, "I became a fifth wheel."

Daniel took off his glasses and rubbed his hand across his face. "I think you mean 'third wheel'."

The jaffa looked puzzled, then said, "I spent much time in meditation..." He glanced at Sam and Jack. "...alone."

Frowning, Daniel briefly wondered if it would be worth getting Jack drunk again to find out what happened, then clutched his head and decided against the idea. "The list have mentioned the huge shippiness in this episode, and you saving the world, but there's one thing they've been talking about more."

"What?" asked Jack.

Daniel squinted at Sam. "Your hair."

Jack sniggered, then tried to pull himself together as the major shot him a filthy look.

"My hair?" she said incredulously.

Daniel nodded. "Beth's put an opinion poll on the list's site at egroups."

Jack made a curious strangled noise.

"Are you laughing, sir?"

"Me? No, of course not."

Sam eyed him suspiciously, then asked, "What exactly have they been saying about my hair?"

Daniel winced. "Well, comments have ranged from 'love it!' through 'very feminine but hardly military' to 'aarrgghh, pass her a hairbrush!'."

"And now they're taking votes?"

"Yes," the archaeologist said carefully. "Oh, and there were a couple of mails wondering how your hair grew so much in a week."

"It was a very strange planet," snapped Sam.

Jack raised his eyebrows and looked across at the major. "It could have a weird effect on you."

Sam gestured towards the computer. "I don't understand them. We save the world again! We send them to shipper heaven and all they want to talk about is MY HAIR!" All three men flinched at her outburst. "I'm going to do something about this!" She span on her heel, ready to leave the room.

"What are you going to do?" asked Daniel.

"Write to Ness! She'll sort them out!"

As she stormed out, Daniel turned to Jack. "I'm glad I didn't mention the discussion they're having about her clothes size."

The colonel nodded. "Wise move. But you know, I don't see what she's so steamed up about. They've discussed *my* hair, hell, they've even discussed *your* hair and I'm sure if Teal'c *had* any hair, they'd discuss that too!"

"There have been comments about his..." Daniel pointed at Teal'c's chin.

"I rest my case!" said Jack, folding his arms across his chest.

The jaffa frowned, then peered over Daniel's shoulder at the computer screen. "Are you going to vote, Daniel Jackson?"

"No, I don't think so. I hadn't even noticed her hair looked different."

Jack looked thoughtful for a moment, then asked, "Could I use your vote?"

"I guess so," said Daniel, as he found the web site. "Here it is." He read out loud, "Did you like Sam's hair on SG1's last mission? First option is 'Yes, I liked it a lot' or the second one, 'I thought it was ok', or number three, 'I thought it was an improvement from hairstyles before' or finally the fourth one, 'No, I didn't like it'"

"Tick the first one. I like her hair however she does it."

Daniel smiled as he registered Jack's vote. Perhaps one day he'd find out what had happened on that planet....

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