Title: Atlantis Online
Author: Wendy Parkinson
Email: wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
Category: Humour
Spoilers: none
Pairing: Sam/Jack (kind of ;-))
Season/Sequel info: Sequel to the Danny Lurks series
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: extreme silliness
Summary: Rodney has some interesting reading material on his laptop.
Date: 9/4/05

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis and its characters belong to MGM. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

Author’s notes: Between 1999 and 2003 I wrote 18 Stargate Sg-1 stories that became known as the Danny Lurks series, the extremely silly premise of which was that Daniel Jackson and pretty much the entire SGC belonged to the samandjack mailing list and were reading and writing Sg-1 fan fiction.

This story continues the insanity. It should make sense (for a certain value of ‘sense’) without reading all the others first.

As always, thanks to Sue for the title and the beta. {{hugs}}

All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. No flames please.

Copyright Wendy Parkinson 2005

Atlantis Online

Doctor Rodney McKay sat down on his bed, got out his laptop and settled down to read. It wasn’t often he got the chance now they were in Atlantis, but even after all this time he found it the best way to unwind. He’d first got into it when he’d been at the SGC and believe it or not, had Walter Harriman to thank.

Yes, one drunken night at O’Malley’s, Sergeant Harriman had told him all about the wonderful world of fan fiction and he’d never looked back. Sam and Jack, Daniel and Janet… he’d even found a Sam and Rodney fic once, but he’d hyperventilated so much he’d pushed the wrong key on his computer, deleted it, and never managed to find it again. Sometimes he wondered if he’d been hallucinating.

He opened the triply password protected folder – there was no way anyone (even if he was dead and his laptop was fair game) was ever going to find out he read romantic stories – and skimmed down the list of sub-folders. Alli Snow, Sue Corkill, Denise, Sally Reeve, Jo R, Ness…. which to choose? He frowned. The only problem was he’d read them all before, at least four times each. He wished there was some way he could get regular updates from the mailing lists and live journal comms, but they were much too far away and even his genius level intellect hadn’t found a direct link to Yahoogroups from the Pegasus galaxy.

So how could he get a new fix to ease his addiction? He thought for a moment. He could write his own stories. But what would be the point of that? He’d know what was going to happen. What he really needed was someone else to start writing….

“Elizabeth, I’ve had an idea that would be good for morale.”

Weir looked up from her desk and peered at Rodney sceptically. It wasn’t like their chief scientist to be altruistic. “Okay,” she said carefully, wondering when the other shoe was going to drop, “Tell me about it.”

“Are you familiar with the concept of mailing lists?”

“Like Yahoogroups?”

Rodney nodded. “My idea is to start a similar system here. Each person chooses an anonymous user name and can set up or join as many lists as they like. We could have stuff for music, sports, books… you name it.”

“Why anonymous user names?”

“It allows everyone to be themselves. Not worry about offending a superior. People can let off a bit of steam.”

Elizabeth looked at him doubtfully. As well as wringing his hands together, he was talking at light speed, his words almost running into each other, which was a sure sign he was nervous. In her opinion, Rodney was very definitely up to something, but for the life of her, she couldn’t work out what – the whole mailing list idea sounded totally innocent. “Sounds good to me,” she said, every instinct in her body screaming the exact opposite. “Set it up.” She frowned as she watched him turn and leave her office.

Elizabeth had the gut feeling this was going to come back and bite her in the ass.

Carson Beckett sat down at his computer and scrolled down the menu of available mailing lists. What should he join? Over the years he’d become so fixated on his work, he really didn’t have any hobbies… so there was nothing he was particularly looking for.

As he browsed he found himself guessing who was responsible for each list. He smiled when one entry caught his eye. “As the wheel turns – mouse keeping for beginners”. That had to be Sandra, his assistant. No, he wasn’t going to join that one; he had enough of the mice in his work hours.

“Football – cornerstone of civilisation.” He raised an eyebrow. Well, that was an American… it might even be Major Sheppard. Perhaps there might be a rugby list?

“Memories of Prague.” Had to be Radek Zelenka. Oh well, if he didn’t find anything he fancied, he could always start “Memories of the Highlands”.

“Tantric sex.” He really didn’t want to know about that one.

“Chess club.” Or that.

“The novels of Jane Austen.” No, no, no…

“Avoiding Mary Sue.” Carson frowned. Didn’t she work in the chemistry lab? That was a mean thing to do – setting up a list to be unpleasant to her. He read on. “Quality fan fiction for all. All fandoms, all pairings.” So what had Mary Sue got to do with the price of eggs? He shook his head, but couldn’t help being intrigued. He’d read some Babylon 5 fanfic in the dim and distant past and remembered enjoying it. Yes, he decided, he’d sign up for that one.

John Sheppard was pleased. He had eleven members already for “Football – cornerstone of civilisation”. They’d started a discussion about last year’s Super Bowl and the posts were coming thick and fast. He had to admit this had been a good idea of McKay’s, though he’d probably never tell the man to his face.

He looked at the main menu. Should he join something else as well? Broaden his horizons a little? After all, no-one would know what he’d joined; there was no danger of damaging the macho action-man persona. A few minutes later, he was a member of “Home-made haircare” (his gel supply was running worrying low), “Tolstoy lovers” and “Maths club”. He was about to log out when he took one last look…. What was “Avoiding Mary Sue”? Wasn’t she that cute blonde chemist?

Elizabeth Weir checked her mail. She had a couple from the “Novels of Jane Austen” list and one from “Memories of Prague”. Nothing yet from “Tolstoy Lovers”. They were probably all still reading War and Peace, she thought, smiling to herself.

She was beginning to wonder if she’d been a touch paranoid over Rodney starting the mailing lists; after all, nothing untoward had happened so far. In retrospect it probably was all as innocent as it had sounded.

Perhaps there might be other lists she could join. She had a look. No, she didn’t want to keep mice, or discuss football. It didn’t look like there was anything. Although… what was that? “Avoiding Mary Sue”. Elizabeth frowned. Why would anyone want to avoid Doctor Weatherby? She was a perfectly nice young woman.

She looked more carefully. It was a fan fiction list. Of course, that Mary Sue! Smiling, she remembered her days of J/C shipping in the Voyager fandom. She’d never written anything, but she’d been an avid reader. Oh yes, she was going to join this one… it sounded like fun.

Rodney logged into the system and found himself holding his breath. He knew it was ridiculous to be as excited as this about something as petty as a mailing list, but he just couldn’t help it. He called up the details of “Avoiding Mary Sue”. Yes! He had members! Only three so far, but it was a start.

There were no mails though.

He frowned. Well, he was the moderator, so it was up to him to get things moving. He began to type…

Welcome to “Avoiding Mary Sue”! I hope you’re all ready and willing to get writing!

Perhaps if we start by saying what experience we have with reading and writing fan fiction, by way of breaking the ice? Remember, remain anonymous. We don’t want to know who you are – we’re just here to enjoy the fics!

I’ll get the ball rolling by saying I’ve not written before but I’ve been an enthusiastic reader of SG-1 stories for three years.

BlueEyes

Thanks for the warm welcome, BlueEyes. I haven’t written before either, but I did read some Babylon 5 stories many years ago. I suppose I’m here because I’m curious and I wanted to try something new.

VooDoo

I used to ship for Janeway/Chakotay in the Voyager fandom, but like both you and VooDoo, I haven’t written before, though I’m looking forward to trying.

There is really SG-1 fan fiction out there? I find that very hard to believe. After all, they aren’t fictional. Could you explain a little further please?

ClassyLady

I haven’t written before, but I have read a lot of SG-1… and BtVS… and X-files… and Deep Space Nine… and, well, more other fandoms than I’d like to admit. Let’s just say I’ve worked in some very remote locations.

ClassyLady, I can answer your question. There’s a lot of Stargate SG-1 fan fiction out there… the most popular pairing is Sam/Jack, though you do see Sam/Daniel, Daniel/Janet, and (god help me!) I once saw a Sam/Rodney McKay fic. Would you believe that? That really stretched the bounds of credibility!

I know they’re real people, but somehow the samandjack mailing list know everything that’s going on at the SGC, sometimes before the SGC does. It’s like one of those weird laws of physics that no-one really understands. You just have to accept it.

Hope that helps,

HailMary

HailMary, where was the Sam/McKay fic?

BlueEyes

PS I don’t think it stretches the bounds of credibility at all.

Elizabeth stirred her coffee absent-mindedly and found her thoughts drifting to the fanfic mailing list. (She refused to think of it as “Avoiding Mary Sue” as she really liked Doctor Weatherby, and it seemed insulting to the poor woman). It’d been going for a week, and so far she’d been enjoying it. They’d exchanged a few mails, BlueEyes had posted a couple of SG-1 stories she had on her computer and they’d chatted a bit about them.

But Elizabeth was beginning to find the anonymity thing a bit weird. Every time she met a female member of staff, she found herself wondering if it was VooDoo, HailMary or BlueEyes. She had her suspicions that BlueEyes was an astrophysicist after her comments about McKay, but the other two? No idea.

Elizabeth knew from past experience that the vast majority of fanfic writers and readers were women, so in a group of four, the likelihood of there even being one man was very remote, therefore she’d come to the conclusion that her list-mates were female. And in any case, when she’d complained of PMS in a mail a couple of days before, VooDoo had been so sympathetic she had to be a fellow sufferer, though the other two had been suspiciously quiet at the time… perhaps they had PMS too?

Elizabeth sighed. Perhaps it would be better if they got it all out into the open and admitted who they were?

Though would she have the nerve to post what she was about to if she knew who her audience was?

As no-one has posted any fics of their own yet, I thought it might be fun for us to start off with a Round Robin. Nothing too stressful – you only contribute a short passage, say between 100 and 300 words – then pass the torch on to the next person.

I’ll be brave and start us off… (I’ve decided on the Stargate fandom as it’s one we’re all familiar with).

====

Sam Carter watched General Jack O’Neill from under her eyelashes. He was such a good looking man – tall, handsome, athletic – and she was sure he’d be a passionate, caring lover. If only, she thought, if only.

She shifted in her seat and tried to look interested in Daniel’s presentation, but Sam found the whole idea of translating Ancient totally mind-numbing. Her mind drifted back to her commanding officer. He was probably as bored as she was and thinking about hockey, or fishing, or… She looked up and her train of thought was completely derailed when she realised he was staring straight at her.

Until now, she’d never understood the phrase “undressing her with his eyes”.

Now she did.

His brown eyes were so dark they were almost black; the words ‘feral’ and ‘predatory’ sprang into her mind as she blushed under his gaze, unable to tear her eyes away.

====

Okay, that’s me done! Someone else can carry on from there!

ClassyLady

Elizabeth leant back from her computer and sighed. God, she was nervous. What if they all hated it? She was fairly certain the spelling and grammar was okay – after all, she was a well-educated woman – but was it too cliché-ridden for words? Was it possible to carry on from it in a coherent manner? Would the rest of the group ever speak to her again? She pushed ‘send and receive’. Nothing. Oh God, they hated it. They all hated it.

It must truly suck.

She stood up and paced up and down her room for a few moments. No, Elizabeth, get a grip, she muttered under her breath. Even if the others are online, they haven’t had time to respond yet. Do something else, go for a walk, get away from the computer.

Pushing the ‘send and receive’ one last time, and making sure there was nothing there, she opened her door and walked out into the corridor, heading towards the control room.

Rodney glanced round the control room one last time to make sure no-one was watching him. As he suspected, the coast was clear. He quickly logged into the mailing list system and checked his mails. Two from Maths club, one from As the Wheel Turns and – yes! – one from Avoiding Mary Sue. He quickly scrolled to the fanfic mail.

He couldn’t stop a grin creeping across his face as he read. This was so cool! ClassyLady had started a Round Robin. And what she’d done was good. He had to be the next one to post. But how should he carry on? I know, he thought, Jack can ask her out to dinner. It’s a bit of a cliché, but it’s my first try at fanfic, and when all’s said and done, it’s only a Round Robin. He almost began typing there and then, but managed to restrain himself. No, he thought, get back to your quarters, then you can concentrate on what you’re doing, and there’s no chance of being interrupted.

Rodney closed his laptop and, tucking it under his arm, strode purposefully out of the control room and almost collided with Doctor Elizabeth Weir in the doorway. “Sorry, Elizabeth,” he muttered. “In a bit of a hurry…. Sorry.” Rodney started to step round her to carry on his way, but then he noticed just how distracted she looked. He stopped. “Elizabeth, are you all right?”

“Um… yes… fine,” she muttered.

Rodney frowned. He could see she wasn’t fine at all. She was positively twitching. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. I think I’ll go back to my room.” She chewed her lip nervously. “There’s something I need to check.” Elizabeth swung round abruptly and headed back down the corridor.

Rodney watched her. Well, that was… odd, he thought, as he hurried to his quarters. Once inside, he booted up his laptop and went back to his emails to reread ClassyLady’s story beginning. His jaw dropped. There was another mail. HailMary had beaten him to it!

When they left the meeting, Sam had trouble meeting Jack’s eyes. She suddenly felt tongue-tied and nervous, like a teenager waiting to be asked on her first date. They walked down the corridor side by side not saying a word, and stopped by the elevator. Jack pushed the button and they waited, the silence stretching between them like a question.

The door slid open, and to Sam’s horror, the elevator wasn’t empty. “Major, General,” said Rodney McKay, smiling ingratiatingly.

Her heart sank. McKay was really the last person she wanted to see. His continuous embarrassing attempts at picking her up made her cringe… or want to hit him. She thought for a moment. Perhaps if she did hit him he might take the hint?

“Have you read the latest article in New Scientist about quarks, Major?” asked McKay, smiling at her.

“Er… no,” she replied, shooting a glance at the General, who was glaring at McKay.

“I can lend it to you. I think the author has a few things wrong, but it’s an interesting approach. Would you like me to drop it off at your lab later? We could perhaps discuss it over lunch.” He smiled again, completely ignoring the General. Sam felt slightly nauseous.

“The Major will be busy later,” said O’Neill firmly.

Sam’s eyebrows went up. That was a bit Neanderthal of him. But… busy doing what?

For once, McKay seemed to take the hint, and nodding curtly to them both, left the elevator at the next floor.

When the doors closed, Sam turned to Jack. “So what am I going to be busy doing later?”

Rodney felt the hackles rising on the back of his neck, accompanied by the uncontrollable urge to strangle HailMary. The last thing he’d wanted was to turn up in a Sam and Jack story himself. He knew he’d never be portrayed in a good light, when compared with O’Neill, despite his far superior intellect.

HailMary, I have to disagree with your characterisation of Doctor McKay. I don’t think he should be portrayed as the comic relief, he’s much too intelligent for that.

BlueEyes

BlueEyes, I think someone has a little crush on our Chief Scientific Officer. Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with us.

And trust me, I know him quite well – there’s nothing wrong with the characterisation.

HailMary

A crush? A CRUSH??? Rodney stared at the screen in horror. Was HailMary implying he was…? Then the light dawned. Most fanfic authors were women, weren’t they? So HailMary had assumed he was female, like she was. Okay… he could work with that, but he’d have to be careful what he said.

He read the mail again. I know him quite well – there’s nothing wrong with the characterisation. A shiver ran through him. Who could it be? Simpson? Miso? Rodney pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to get a grip. It was pointless speculating, the whole idea was to be anonymous. He was just going to have to bite his tongue and concentrate on the fiction.

“I’d like you to come out to dinner with me,” Jack said quietly. “I’m sorry about answering for you just now, but I don’t like the way McKay talks to you.”

“He’s okay really,” said Sam. “He’s brilliant at his job.”

“Yeah,” agreed O’Neill reluctantly. “He’s far more intelligent than me.” He thought for a moment. “So… will you have dinner with me tonight?”

Sam grinned. “Yes, please.”

They ate at a little Italian restaurant in Colorado Springs. They’d talked and talked, about anything and everything. And every time he’d made her laugh, she’d felt herself falling more and more in love with him. As the evening wore on, anticipation curled in her stomach at the thought of what might happen when he drove her home.

He drew up outside her house and stopped the engine. “So…” he said, turning to face her.

Sam smiled. “So?” she echoed.

“So what do we do now?”

Carson Beckett had had a horrendous day. On an off-world mission, Sergeant Bates and his team had accidentally triggered a defensive device that had sprayed all four of them with shrapnel. He’d spent the last six hours pulling vicious-looking pieces of metal from various parts of their anatomies. Fortunately, none of the injuries were serious, but they were all going to be sore for a few days. And now he was exhausted.

After making a cup of tea, he sat down at his computer and checked his email. His eyebrows went up. A Round Robin. And everyone else had had a turn. He guessed that meant he was “it”. He sipped his tea and frowned. He’d got to write the romantic conclusion. A wave of panic washed over him. What a way to start writing fanfic.

Carson tried to think logically about it. All he had to do was describe a romantic episode in his past… but make it smoother… with less fumbling. How hard could it be?

Sam leant forward and brushed his lips with hers. He sucked in a sharp breath and gently placed his hand on the back of her neck and pulled her to him, deepening the kiss.

Forcibly pushing him away, she gasped, “Let’s take this inside, shall we?”

He nodded and with one last kiss, reluctantly let her go.

Jack pushed the door closed and grabbed Sam, pushing her against the wall and kissing her like his life depended on it. “Oh God, Jack,” she moaned. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

He worked his hands under her shirt and revelled in the feeling of her soft skin under his touch. “Me too,” he whispered into her hair, kissing a trail of fire down her neck, nibbling briefly on an earlobe.

“I want you,” she said, “Bedroom… now.”

The dawn light peeked through the curtains, illuminating the room in a pinky glow. Jack propped himself up on one elbow and watched Sam sleeping beside him. She was beautiful and smart, and if last night was anything to go by, she wanted him as much as he wanted her. He wasn’t going to analyse the whys and wherefores right now. He just knew had to be the luckiest man alive.

Carson stared at what he’d typed. He knew he could do better, but at 12.15am after six hours of pulling shrapnel from Bates’ team, he really wasn’t in a romantic mood. He just wanted to go to bed. Oh well, he thought. Post it. He hit the ‘send’ button. Deal with the criticism in the morning. He smiled to himself. At least BlueEyes couldn’t have a go at him for bad mouthing McKay.

Rodney lay back on his bed and smiled to himself. Yes, the mailing list was a success. They’d only been going a couple of weeks and they already had a completed Round Robin. He wondered how long it would be before someone wrote a full length story. Hopefully not long…

His musings were interrupted by a knock at his door. “Come in!” he shouted, sitting up.

The door slid open, revealing a short blonde woman standing on the threshold, scowling at him. Rodney frowned. Wasn’t she a chemist? And what on earth was her name? Not for the first time, he regretted the fact that they didn’t all have to wear name badges. He looked at her again. Whoever she was, she wasn’t a happy bunny.

“What can I do for you?” he asked, forcing a smile.

“You run the mailing lists, don’t you?” she asked.

He nodded, wondering where this could be going.

“In that case, I want to make a formal complaint about the fan fiction list.” She narrowed her eyes. “Avoiding Mary Sue.”

“Why?” Rodney was baffled. Not enough smut? Bad grammar? Erratic spelling? HailMary being an almighty pain in the ass? He shook his head. “I’m going to need to write this down…” He rifled through the detritus on his desk, emerging with a pencil and notepad. “I’d better start with your name.”

The woman put her hands on her hips and glared at him. “Doctor Mary Sue Weatherby.”

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