Marriage Humour

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

After a quarrel a wife said to her husband, "You know I was a fool when I married you." He replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and I didn't notice."

The bridegroom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So, what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Little boy to father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father: "I don't know son. I'm still paying."

Young son to father: "Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man does not know his wife until he marries her?" Father: "That happens in every country son."

Man to friend: "You know, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late!"

A woman was telling her friend, "It was I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend replied, "And what was he before you married him?" "A billionaire."

 

Rare Birds!

The women's magazine editress who published an article on "The Debt we owe to men."

The TV producer who transmitted a programme on Domestic violence against men.

The university which appointed a male equal opportunities officer.

The school governors who ensured that 50% of their teachers were men.

The health minister who was interested in men's health.

The feminist who joined the bomb squad to gain equality with men.

The female MP who represented the MEN in her constituency.

 

Stupid Women Jokes:

Q: Heard about the new female paint color?
A: It's cheap, not too bright, and spreads easily.

Q: How do women's brain cells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a woman?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you measure a woman's IQ?
A: Stick a tyre pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you get a woman to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How do you amuse a woman for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: How does a woman moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: Why should you never let a woman take a coffee break?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.

Q: What is the brunette's mating call?
A: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?

Q: Why don't women have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do women work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a woman.

Q: Why did God give women soldiers 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How does a woman turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How do you make a woman's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: How do you drown a woman?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.


Q: What do you call a woman with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny woman?
A: One's a phony buck.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of women and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.


Q: What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: How can you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Q: What paralyzes women below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: How did the woman try to kill a bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the woman burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q1: How can you tell if a woman's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q2: How can you tell if another woman's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX has been sent from a woman?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a woman's relay team?
A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

Q: What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a woman with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do women have see-through lunch box lids?.
A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
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Q: Why do women have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
A2: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them

Q: Why do women drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

Q: Why do some women have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why do women have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

Q: Why do women wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: Why do women wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb woman, and a smart woman are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb woman! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart woman.

Q: If a man and a woman are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The man. The woman has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a woman gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between butter and a woman?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

Q: What is the difference between a smart woman and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

Q: What's the similarity between a woman and a cow-pat?
A: They both get easier to pick up with age.

Q: What does a woman say when you ask her if her car indicator is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a woman a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you call a basement full of women?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call 15 women in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.