Just for Fun III
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12-Step
Internet Recovery Program
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet. 2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3. I will get dressed before noon. 4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet. 5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived. 6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet. 7. I will read a book...if I still remember how. 8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet. 9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my cheque-book because I was too busy on the Internet. 12 Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow! |
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SO
TRUE
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. |
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OPTICAL ILLLUSION
If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, you will only see one color, pink. If you stare at the black + in the center, the moving dot turns to green. Now, concentrate on the black + in the center of the picture. After a short period of time, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see a green dot rotating if you're lucky! It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.  |
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LESSONS
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff", and he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff", and he was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm". Lesson I - Always allow the bosses to speak first. Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen", said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly", said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy." Lesson II - Never, never assume that your boss knows everything. |
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Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking
for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
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WHY
?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak ? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is no money in the account ? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet ? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle ? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard ? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets ? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp" ? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes ? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white ? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance ? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try ? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures ? Why do we try to keep the house as warm in winter as it was in the summer when we complained about the heat ? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes ? |
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Buttercup "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Buttercup. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in
the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must
be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak
were chilly; but when they lit a Fire in the craft, it sank, proving
once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Celebrity
Cook versus The Real Woman
Celebrity Cook's Way... Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice cream drips. The Real Women's Way... Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Celebrity Cook's Way... To keep potatoes from sprouting, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. The Real Women's Way... Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the larder for up to a year. Celebrity Cook's Way... When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. The Real Women's Way... Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions. Celebrity Cook's Way... If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice. The Real Women's Way... If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes." Celebrity Cook's Way... Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. The Real Women's Way... It could keep forever. I don't care - I don't eat it. Celebrity Cook's Way... Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to give a beautiful glossy finish. The Real Women's Way... Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites over the crust so don't bother. Celebrity Cook's Way... Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. The Real Women's Way... Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in a large measure of tequila. Drink the tequila. You might still have the headache, but who gives a sh*t? Celebrity Cook's Way... Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. The Real Women's Way... Leftover wine????!!! |
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CHOCOLATE
MATHEMATICS
Work this out as you read (you can use a calculator if you want) Don't click the answer until you've worked it out! this is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun. 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10) 2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold) 3. Add 5 (for Sunday) 4. Multiply it by 50. 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1752. If you haven't, add 1751 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born in. 7. Add the number of years past the year 2002 (so if it's 2005 now, add 3) You should now have a three digit number The first digit of this was your original number (that is, how many times you want to have chocolate each week). The next two numbers are ......... Answer |
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And
finally, a treat for my female readers, a picture of a naked man...
Click Here |