Just for Fun II

Can anyone help ? My printer won't work and my mouse is jammed !

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady near a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon". I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

A girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the girl, "There's flippin' hundreds of them!"

Have you ever wondered why...? 1. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends ? 2. If a 7-11 store is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors ? 3. How did a fool and his money GET together in the first place ? 4. Why do bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques ?

Differences Between You and Your Boss... When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, "you're always sick". When your boss is a day off sick, "he must be very ill". When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What's the total ? Answer

"Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled"

Late Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise....... BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly.... It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster......... BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...... BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ...... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...BUMP..... Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase..... BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH... BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH... BUMP... SCREACH... BUMP... SCREACH... In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........ BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP... BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP... BUMP... SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP... The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH... BUMP... SCREACH... BUMP...SCREACH... In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........ BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH... He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it came...... BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH... He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .....still it came...... BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH... He grabbed some Veno's cough mixture and threw it........ The coffin stopped.

Questions in Life If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success ? How does a Piper know when it's time to tune his bagpipes ? If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn ? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap ? Why do they report power outages on TV ? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound ? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent ?

The Evolution of Man

SO TRUE Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Remember half the people you know are below average. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains ? Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Heath Hotline"...

· If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly · If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. · If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 · If you are paranoid, we know who you are, and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace your call. · If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. · If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. · If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no-one will answer. · If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. · If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. · If you have post-traumatic disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. · If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. · If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. · If you have low self esteem. Please hang-up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you get 5000 ? The correct answer is actually 4100 !