Just for Fun I

Just for Fun I

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic please?" The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?" Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them!"

Have you ever wondered why...? 1. The sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin? 2. Why don't you see the headline " Psychic wins the Lottery"? 3. Why do Doctors call what they do practice? 4. Why is lemon juice marketed with artificial flavour and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 5. Why is the man who invests your money called a broker? 6. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour? 7. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? 8. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 9. You know that indestructible black box that is used on aircraft? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? 10. Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

A Community language is the only way... Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; take for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staffed, at top level, by the principal nations. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written ' f '. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins de skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand esh ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru

Have you ever wondered why...? 1. Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows? 2. Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? 3. Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? 4. Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 5. Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
How To Wash The Cat! 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water. 3. Obtain the cat and carry to the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he/she cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as the paws will be reaching out to maliciously lacerate anything they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times (ignore the thudding on the toilet seat and the hissing, this is normal). This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the front or back door and ensure that there is no one between the toilet and the outside door (as this will result in their hospitalisation). 7. Stand as far behind the toilet as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet like an electrocuted maniac, and run outside spitting and screeching, where he/she will sulk until dry. Sincerely, The DOG

Cat's Response after drying out...
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear... IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. *** So why is it again that we work? *

******Can we laugh at ourselves ?*******
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke. Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... 3 British people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 British people were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 British people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of srewdrivers. 31 British people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 18 British people had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

Things to do to your colleagues whilst they're away on holiday...