Here are a few items to (hopefully) bring a smile to your face while you're deciding what to order!

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money".
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get down on your knees and put it in your mouth".

That said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he did this a huge fish jumped out and bit him. To show the other fish who's boss he beat it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposed of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do....? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. So he hurled the corpses into the lion enclosure.

His final job was to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he started, they attacked him so he grabbed the spade and smashed the bees to a pulp. By now he knew what to do and threw them in to the lions.

Later that day a new lion arrived at the zoo. He wandered up to another lion and said, "What's the food like here?"

The lion answered; "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish, chimps & mushy bees!"

If you haven't tried them yet, click on the chimp images above for some fun video sequences. Windows Media player is required in order to view them.

This is a true story from the "WordPerfect Helpline" which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired. However, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Here is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer."

Never Trust Your Mates!!!

In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off somewhere for his stag night - These usually last all day..... and all night.

Rather than the typical English stag night where you all arrange it beforehand, go out get drunk and hire a stripper, the Swedes do it differently.

The groom has no idea until he gets nabbed. He might be dressed up in something crazy, go and do something fun or whatever..... and then the fun really starts!

This particular guy is a keen sailor and when he was kidnapped for his stag night they pasted a false "skippers-beard" on him and put him at the helm of a 60 foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day - much beer and fine food was consumed..... but nothing nasty happened to him at all.

In the evening when they got back on land and were getting cleaned up for the night club, they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden.

Imagine the groom's horror when he walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were waiting for him to see that best mate number one had no hair on his genitals. Neither did friend two, or three, or four...... Oh dear!!


Where do you think they got the fake beard from?

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