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As I sit here in the dark (bloody electric board) and gaze into my fake crystal (only a tenner) ball, I see many things concerning the.........Nationwide Conference!!
September
Despite a shoddy start to the season, Wokings form picks up with victories at Yeovil, Dover, at home to 'Ayes and then Anne Diamonds. That victory prompted
a previously 100% manager Brian Talbot to proclaim, "No problem, every side must lose, 4-2 is not a bad result when you think rationally."
Max Griggs responds by throwing Talbot out, and throwing
Duane Darby's toys back at him after he complained of being kicked. Victory over the DCB's, Scouseport, and Scarborough see manager of the month for Lippiat. Elsewhere, Geoff Chapple exclaims that Kingstonian's bad
start is due to
their budget cut, and Shergar is found in Carl Alford's navel.
October
Brian Talbot says he never wanted to be Anne's manager anyway, prompting many Ru$hden fans to pose the question, "why didn't you bugger off sooner
then?!" Woking destroy all before them still, Paul Floorcloth says that Boro' are just warming up, despite sitting bottom with just 9 points, and a Dagenham
defender is caught in possession...of a football
and wonders why he hasn't headed it, before wetting himself and running away.
November
Woking are eliminated from the FA Cup by Manchester United, who, much to the nations amusement were forced to start early and make up for lost time by the FA. Cue
hordes of laughter at Kingfield as John "Judas" McGovern is employed as Ca$hden manager, claiming he had a vision of glory. What can that mean?? Elsewhere, Woking continue to dominate, and the son
decide to serialize Geoff Chapple's budget speech.
December
John McGovern wins the pools and promptly sods off back to Sheffield, leaving Ru$hden in the lurch again. Woking hammer Kingstonian 7-0 in front of Geoff
Chapple's special guest Gordon Brown MP. Many small envelopes were exchanged, only problem being that Gordon's envelopes contained monopoly
money and Geoff was not amused. "I never thought that a man who
understood my budget would do this to me. My budget..(full details of Geoff's budget speech can be found on ceefax pages 1-1000). Woking a whopping 30 points clear, Paul Floorcloth's scholared mind proclaims,
"I think Woking will be the side to beat."
January
'Tis the season to be jolly, unless you are Kiddie manager Jan Molby who is ordered to take back James McCue. And, unless you are Geoff Chapple, and the fag
machine in the bar has been stolen. Woking storming clear, and a Dagenham defender is kidnapped and taken to a zoo, after balancing a ball on his head for 30 minutes, he was mistaken for a seal.
February
Controversy rears its beautiful head as a Stevenage fan is arrested, in an incident involving Victor Green, a baseball bat, and a jar of Vaseline. Boro' Chairman
Phil Wallace was heard muttering, "Anything to make the population happy. As Woking hit 70 points, a 60 point lead over Stevenage, Paul "The Brain" Floorcloth decides that "We have a lot of work
to do if we're to catch Woking."
March
Woking clinch the title by beating the DCB's 3-0 at Broadhall Way, however the match was overshadowed as a new Boro' defender, signed from Dagenham, is
arrested for calling a Torquay hotline number. Barry Hayles was later convicted as an accessory to this incident. Anne Diamonds manager Alan Ball sees his side lose to Boston, despite having paid off referee
Steve Chittenden. Max Griggs was heard to say "He got the 2 teams mixed up in the first half, and suffered a concussion when the teams changed ends and he got confused." Ca$hden manager Ball said,
"I won the world cup!!"
April
A Dagenham defender is banned for life for attempting to steal the White elephant stand at Kingfield. Dagenham also sign Jimmy Sugrue, but he is banned for 2 months
for a kung-fu style attack on Matthew Simmons (of Cantona fame)whom trouble seems to follow around. He only stopped for a pie, as well. Doncaster are fined £10,000 pounds for failing to control their players after
Carl Alford is found kicking a giant portaloo, believing it to be his Dad.
May
Colin Lippiatt receives knighthood, while John McGoverns house boat is found with Brian Talbot in it, searching frantically for Griggs' number, after Alan Ball is
sacked for just generally p*****g everyone off. A Dagenham defender is given the death penalty after calling Rushden "Toytown," and saying their ground is made of plastic, on the 8th of May. In other news, Max
Griggs purchased the British politzia on the 7th of May.
So there you have it. My crystal ball never normally lies, however I am still waiting for Britney to turn up, no idea of punctuality, that girl....
KN
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