19th September 2002
I recently asked a deeply learned and mystical professor the following question:

"Master, how can I get the funniest stories in the world?"

"Simple. Send 10 mates to Benidorm for week."

It wasn't the answer I was expecting, but eager to learn, I duly obliged. The results have been somewhat undermined by the fact that the 10 of us have a total of approximately 25 minutes of memories between us. So to ensure that the highest veritable standards are maintained, the panel have decided that only the one confirmed story from the holiday should be recorded. Plus a couple of postscripts. And an afterthought.

The Report: The only known facts from the early evening (12 - 2am) are that 10 men were seen drinking in Death By Chris, a magical bar seen only by Londoners, where every round of drinks, no matter how ridiculous, always costs 15 Euros. Chris had got bored giving us so many vodkas, so had gone straight onto the ethanol, which can be given intravenously much more quickly than normal drinks.

After this time there was a slight lapse in record keeping, leaving us with no certain knowledge of events until approximately 6am. One group, containing unknown individuals, arrived back at the flat of an individual who will be known as 67. There was a rumour that 67 had left a local nightclub in the company of an older woman. Examination of the teeth has shown that this woman was 46 years old. But there was a rumour that the teeth examined were in fact dentures due to the woman losing her real teeth during the blitz (trying to save her grand-daughter at the time). She will be known as Betty. The door of the flat is believed to have been locked, but by methods that remain unclear, Group A gained access to the room. They were faced with the mortifying sight of Betty stark naked in bed. A search soon started for 67. The search soon ended when he was found bollock-naked and puking his guts out in the toilet. Group A have been commended for acting entirely appropriately in such a situation. They comforted Betty and laughed at 67's shrivelled winkie. An informal enquiry immediately took place as to whether relations had occured. The response was negative. When an explanation was requested, 67, with commendable honesty, replied that he was unable to "get it up". Research is currently underway as to the precise meaning of this colloquial phrase.

There was a rumour that 67 has since come to regret his honest streak. The one further important piece of information obtained by Group A was that Betty had "a lovely muff".

Postscript 1: The following night, 67 was on the prowl at a local nightspot. He spotted Betty, his unrequited love of the previous night. Ever the gentleman, he went over to his lady friend and the following conversation took place.

"Sorry about last night?"

"Eh?"

"You know....last night."

"Eh?"

"I mean, me and mister floppy. No lead in the pencil. Nor much wood for that matter. Not much of a pencil at all really. The old GDPenis Deflator. Swinging low, with not much coming forth by anyone. Andrex - soft, dong, and not very strong. The Marshmallow Man strikes back."

"Eh?"

It was at this point that 67 had a closer look at the face of his interlocuter. It struck him like a soft penis being slapped around his face that he was in fact talking to somebody he had never seen before, let alone seen naked. 67 made his excuses and legged it. (After trying to pull her. Credit where credit's due).

Postscript 2: The same night, an individual who will be known as number 9 was on the prowl at a local nightspot. He spotted Betty, 67's unrequited love of the previous night. Ever the gentleman, he went over to give her some abuse. After some initial small talk, he got to the big one. It has been confirmed by several parties that he did in fact say,

"I hear you've got a lovely muff".

The response was a sharp slap and the disappearance of said lady. It was not until musing on the barely remembered over-reaction of Betty the following morning, that 9 realised he had not been talking to Betty at all. It had been merely some random old bird. He considered he had perhaps got off lightly.

Afterthought: There has been a rumour that an individual who will be known as number 3 got his willy sucked on stage by a post-op transexual known previously as Sexy Barry. Despite her/his 35 years sucking cocks, she declared that his was the smallest and smelliest she/he has ever seen. As yet, no independent evidence for this is available. But rumour has it there is a video. A sizable reward has been offered for the retrieval of said video - if such a find exists. The search is on. All may join it. And no looking on my desk....