24th Novemebr 2002
Enough. Let the charade go on no longer. I am overcome with the burden of deceit. There is a reason I have not sent a report for a while. It is all a lie. Ask yourself, what grounds do you have for thinking I'm in California? Your reasons are that I told you I was going there, then wasn't seen for a few months, then turned up again with a Stanford sweater (9.99 from ebay). I'm afraid it was an elaborate ruse. I write these words with a heavy heart from an undisclosed location somewhere near Huddersfield. I apologize for the deception but can only ask that you will forgive me once you understand my position.

It started as a bit of fun. We'd nip off to France on a booze cruise and see the illegal immigrants trying to get to Britain. We took no notice at first, until my mate Dave got talking to a bloke called Gary who's full time job was shipping them over. He made close to 6 figures a year driving back to England daily with as many as 35 refugees in the back of his truck. We decided we simply couldn't afford not to have a go. It was a doddle. Simply round up a few foreign types from the streets and ask them how much money they had. We then suggested they take 10 pounds out of it, put it in their pocket, and give the rest to us, in exchange for a safe passage to the land of beer and curry. We couldn't believe how many people accepted, how rich they were, and, most remarkbaly, how many of them seemed to be French and not refugees at all. I guess there's only a certain amount of time you can spend living with the French, even if you are one. Within months I'd quit university and switched to smuggling in immigrants. For 3 wonderful months we lived the high life. Booze, girls, cars, you name it, we did it. It was a crazy time. Until the world came crumbling down around us.

We hadn't just offered to take them to England. We'd told them how good it was too. The sunshine, the clean streets, the huge state hand-outs, the ability to walk the streets safely at night.... We should have known we could not have dealt with so many unsatisfied customers. Someone tipped off the police and I've been on the run ever since. Gary is awaiting sentencing and Dave fled to Bolivia. Last I heard he was training monkeys for beach photographs. In the last 18 months I have lived in 23 different locations. I have managed to make the occasional trip back to London to see friends and family, but never daring to reveal the truth. I come clean now because it may be too danderous to come back for Christmas this year. They are getting close to me and I don't know how long I can stay hidden for, or indeed whether I will still be free by the end of the year.

Enjoy your precious time with your friends and families this year, and think of me if I cannot be there.

God be with you.