30th August 2003

Old Parkonians 3 - 1 St Mary's (Friendly)

Is it really worth the bother of reporting on a pre-season friendly? We all know they are boring and pointless. I decided against it. Then I remembered the agonising writers block I've had for the last 6 months. Then I got really bored with my somewhat indulgent 2 month summer holiday, so here I am.

And what an honour it was to don the red and white shirt once again and jog out onto the hallowed turf of Frentford FC. Bloody cricketers. Not that it was my red and white shirt, thanks to the nimble fingered little bastard who'd made off with my kit at Christmas. Bloody thieves. But I should save the bitching for the game.

First of all, what's the deal with the vast numbers of small boys invading our isles? I know there were a lot of them when I left, but this was simply ridiculous. I can only assume that the hot summer has allowed the population to run rampant as they find some way to divide and multiply in the way that single-celled organisms do. What's more, I couldn't help noticing that they really aren't that small. Has this invasion been tacitly supported by the government who insist on giving hand-outs to allow them to feed themselves? All I can say is: Bring back the Giant Psycho Squirrels. No-one knew how to deal with a small boy epidemic like them. But ever since my heroic victory over them in the winter (see December 17th diary entry), they have kept pretty much out of sight. Perhaps I was too harsh. Perhaps I was too short-sighted to see the good they could do. Either way, come back, all is forgiven.

As for the game, it was actually pretty entertaining. Touches were a little rusty, but that may have made it a more open contest. It must have looked so appealing that two veterans of the first team game got changed again and made an appearance. And seriously, Murdoch playing for the first team?! No wonder the club's in such a state. And if it isn't, it deserves to be.

The first breakthrough came from a corner skilfully headed in at the near post by new signing James (so famous he only has a first name). Parks went 2-0 up when Sausage Dog received the ball on the left after some skilful interplay between Sammy and James. He knocked it onto his right and fired into the bottom right corner to put Parks in control. Presumably they got one back at some point. But the game was sealed in the closing minutes when a low corner missed everybody but Chudley arriving late at the back post to nod in with a diving header. Most remarkably, I remember all our goals, or to be blunt, I remember something about the game! Is this a new era in my reporting? Or have I just used up my entire allotment of football related mental capacity on a pre-season friendly? Most importantly, will the Giant Psycho Squirrels make a much needed return for a cull of small boys? Watch this space.

Goalscorers: James, Sausage Dog, Chudley
Team: Small boy 1, Small boy 2, Small boy 3, Small boy 4, Small boy 5, Small boy 6, Chudley, James, Trevor, Bow, Sausage Dog. Subs: A Jackson, Small boy 7.