. . . the best session guy in the world – probably.

Thanks to Thomas Tong for this excellent batch, some affectionally aimed at bass players. Off course Dad, Des, is a bass player of note. Connected?

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, The Lead player can do it with his teeth.

Q. How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
A. Pay for the pizza.

Q. What's the difference between a Bassist and a rhino that's just eaten a tin of beans
A. One's a huge useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the
other is a rhino.

Q. Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A. Even a virus has some pride.

Q. What do you call a musician without a significant other?
A. Homeless.

Q. Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A. Because most shops close by six thirty.

Q. What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A. Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q. How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A. The knock always slows down.

Q. How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A. Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Q. Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A. It took two hours to get the drummer out.

Q. How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two flautists playing in unison.

Q. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

Q. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bassoon recital.

Q. Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. What's the definition of a nerd?
A. Someone who owns his alto clarinet.

Q. What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbours are upset if you
borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how
David Sanborn would have done it.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
A. Add vibrato.

Q. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better
they could have done it.

Q. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A. Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
trombonist in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a tuba?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What's a tuba for?
A. 1 1/2" x 3 1/2".

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A drummer.

Q. What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
A. "Would you like fries with that, sir?"

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They have machines to do that now.

Q. What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A harpist tuning his unison strings.

Q. Why are pianists fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.

Q. Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. What do violists use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A. Sit at the back and don't play.

Q. How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.

Q. What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A. The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q. How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato?
A. Put a tenuto mark over a semibreve and mark it solo.

Q. Why are violins smaller than violas?
A. They are really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.

Q. What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
A. The cello burns longer.

Q. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A. The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

Q. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

Q. Why did the double-bass player get cross with the timpanist?
A. He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q. How many double-bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q. What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A. Most musicians have never seen a Porsche.

Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A. She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

Q. What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
A. You can negotiate with the PLO.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea.

Q. What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.

Q. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will
hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?

Q. What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
A. The sack.

Q. Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
A. They've had so little use.

Musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor.
Is told he is dead. Calls back 25 times. Same message from receptionist.
Receptionist asks why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.

Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him a sheet of music.

Q. How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, two, three, one, two, three.

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

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