Where There’s A Will?
Sort o’ blessed with the looks, just a mother could love,
an’ ‘is mam. - - (Rest ‘er soul), - always did.
She said, “ ‘is one savin’ grace, ‘is ‘eart’s in the right place.”
- - Well it was, - - at the back of ‘is ribs.
‘E weren’t known for ‘is style, or a big beamin’ smile,
‘is demeanour’s not what you’d call bubbly.
Built like a brick bog, - a bit of a slob,
truth is, Jeremiah were ugly.
‘E’d not ‘ad much luck, with women as such,
well, apart from Slack Alice at back.
But for a bottle o’ stout, I’ve ‘eard she’d do owt.
so, I’ll not say no more about that.
The one mate that ‘e ‘ad, were Albert, ‘is dad,
but of late’ ‘e’d done nothin’ but sighin’.
Yer see ‘e’d got a bad back, so ‘e’d gone t’ the quacks,
an’ the doc ‘ad said. - - “Albert, - yer diein’.”
“It’s yer blood,” sez the Doc. “It’s startin’ t’ clot,
an’ yer ‘eart’ll pack in, - - d’ yer see?”
‘E put the Doc on the spot. “ ‘Ow long ‘ave I got?”
‘E sez. “Well don’t waste yer brass on LP’s.”
Now, there were no chance o’ that, the canny old bat,
all ‘is life ‘e’d spent nothin’, on nowt.
Just piled it away, for some rainy day,
but if it drizzled, ‘e didn’t go out.
‘E’d got it stashed everywhere, under t’ cushions o’ chair,
under t’ floorboards, an’ sewn in ‘is bed.
The settee were all stuffed, an’ if that weren’t enough,
‘e’d even got some in the shed.
Now, one night Jeremiah, were sat at the fire,
in the snug, at “The Tripe Makers Arms”.
Jus’ drinkin’ ‘is drink, an’ ‘avin’ a think,
when Bessie walked in, - with ‘er charms.
‘E vacated ‘is chair. “There y’are love, sit there.”
“Ooh,” she sez, “aren’t you polite?
That’s ever so kind, are yer sure yer don’t mind?
Yer look stressed, - are yer feelin’ alright?”
‘E blushed, Jeremiah, an’ poked at the fire.
“I’m sorry, I’ve just ‘ad some news.
It’s summat an’ nowt, me dad’s peggin’ out.”
“What a shame.” Bessie sez. - All enthused.
“But, I’ve got to confess.” Jeremiah, told Bess.
“When I look at it whole, - - on its merits.
I’m losin’ me dad, but it isn’t that bad,
cos, there’s millions I’m gonna inherit.”
Bess sez. “Do yer need any ‘elp? - - Or can yer manage yerself?
Cos yer see I’m a fully-fledged nurse.
I’ve treated all sorts, from fractures t’ warts,
- although some ended up in a hearse.”
‘E sez. “That sounds ok, can yer start right away?”
She sez. “Well, I’ll ‘ave t’ nip ‘ome for me gear.”
‘E sez. “Aye, fair enough, me dad’ll be chuffed,
‘urry up, an’ I’ll meet yer back ‘ere.”
‘E knew summat weren’t right, when they got ‘ome that night,
as she took of ‘er coat, - - d’ yer see.
Jeremiah were shocked, at ‘er black stockin’ tops,
an’ ‘er outfit? - - In white pvc.
She sez. “ ‘Ello, Albert love.” ‘E sez. “ ‘Eavens above!”
An’ spilt ‘alf of ‘is tea down ‘is vest.
“Are you an angel?” ‘E said. - “Am I already dead?”
As ‘is eyes sort o’ fell on ‘er chest.
“I’m nurse Bessie,” she sez. “Got any requests?”
“Bloody loads, but I ain’t got much time.”
Jerry pulled ‘em apart, ‘e sez. “Think of yer ‘eart.”
“Bog off!” Albert sez. “Bessie’s mine.”
So she nursed ‘im for days, in ‘er own special way,
an’ they kept up one ‘ell of a pace.
With no rest or nowt, till ‘e finally pegged out,
- - but, ‘e did ‘ave a smile on ‘is face.
“That’s it.” Bessie said. “The poor bugger’s dead,
but we managed to sort ‘is affairs.
Then we picked a nice plot.” Jerry sez. “Thanks a lot,
d’ yer fancy a session upstairs?”
She sez. “What d’ yer mean? - - Are yer bein’ obscene?
Yer perverted big lump. - - Ugly bugger.
That’s a Cardinal sin. Cos, - - as yer dads next o’ kin,
that’s no way yer should talk, - t’ yer MOTHER!”
© Stan Brown. (Thanks to Gary Hogg for the use of ‘is brain cells.)