If you've 'eard of Sids junk shop, down Bolsover Street,
then you'll know o' the tat that's for sale.
From elephants feet, to a box of false teeth,
- - an' there, lies the crux o' me tale.
'Bout a mile up the backs, across from the flats,
at the posh end o' the Cragley Estate.
Lives Shirley McClure, right quiet an' demure,
- - but, things 'ave been changin' of late.
She'd do owt would old Shirl', a lovely old girl,
always there if someone's in need.
She'd once lent a hand, t' Berts one man band,
- - bangin' t' cymbals on 'is arthritic knees.
She'd look out for folk, who were 'omeless an' broke,
invitin' 'em 'ome for a brew.
They'd say. "That's very kind, are yer sure yer don't mind?"
She'd say. "No, -- it's the least I can do."
But, she'd got a slight prob', with the teeth in 'er gob,
if she chatted, they dropped sort o' style.
So they were kept in 'er bag, with 'er matches an' fags,
- - just in case she needed t' smile.
Now, she weren't one t' fuss, so avoided the bus.
"Itsh a nightmare," she sez, "when I shay.
A penshonersh passh, t' the shopsh, there an' back,
--- an' the driver jush looksh, an' shez. --- Hey?"
It was on one of 'er walks, Sid 'ad stopped 'er t' talk,
so politely, she bunged 'em back in.
"Would yer like t' peruse?" Sez Sid, all enthused,
she just blabbered, an' made a right din.
Sid said. "Can I 'elp? - - Aren't yer feelin' yerself?"
"It'sh me falshies, they're drivin' me crackersh.
When I'm tryin' t' chat, they go CLICK an' then CLACK,
an' I shound like a tin of maracas."
"Come in, take a seat, take the weight of yer feet,
'E sez. "I've got summat 'ere, just the job.
There's second 'and teeth, that'll suit yer a treat."
- - She said. "That'sh Shmashin', but don't yer mean shecond gob?"
So 'e dragged in this box, with mildew on top,
an' covered in cobwebs an' muck.
'E said. "Now don't be put off, it's been up in the loft,
but, they'll be fine when yer've give 'em a suck."
So she tried one or two, she said. "No, they won't do,
they're to shmall, or to big an' don't fit."
"'E said. "'Ang on a mo', while I 'ave a quick go,
cos, I'm sure I can grind 'em a bit."
When 'e'd filed 'em in t' sink, 'e sez. "What do yer think?"
As she gingerly shoved 'em in place.
"Bugger me, aren't they neat? Fit a right bloody treat!"
Then she caught a strange look on Sids face.
" 'E sez. "Hey you, yer swore." She sez. "Me? - Are yer sure?"
'E sez. "As sure as I'm stood standin' 'ere."
She sez. "Yer bloody mistaken, yer long streak of bacon,
Bog off, or yer'll get a thick ear."
So, with the air turning blue, 'e sez. "I don't think they're quite you."
"Who's were they?" She said, feelin' shocked.
'E sez. "Vinegar Lil's, before she took ill,
a fish wife from down at the docks."
She sez. "I'll take 'em," t' Sid. 'E sez. "Right, that's two quid."
"Sod off!" Shirley sez. "Thirty bob."
"Alright then," sez 'e, "but there's no guarantee."
She sez. "I just need 'em t' sort out some probs."
Now, in the rent place that day, they were yackin' away,
'bout boyfriends, - an' makeup, - an' such.
An' that were young Clancey, a bit of a nancy,
with a fondness for tryin' t' look butch.
Then in Shirley pranced, an' grabbed 'old o' young Clance'.
She sez. "Me drains blocked an' smells like bad eggs!"
Like I said 'e were butch, but 'e didn't do much,
on account, of 'e'd got cowards legs.
'E ran into the corner, 'e sez. "I'd best warn yer,
I've a black belt an' braces at 'ome."
She grabbed 'old of 'is 'air, she sez. "I don't bloody care."
"I'll tell me mam!" 'E sez, "leave us alone."
She sez. "I've been askin' for months t' get these jobs done,
an' yer can't say I ain't asked yer nice.
But I'm getting' right miffed, so this 'ere's me list."
An' she grabbed 'old of 'is neck, like a vice.
She sez. "Me ballcock's not cockin', an' there's drips that keep droppin',
an' the 'inges 'ave fell of me gate.
The front door's jammed shut, an' me bogs gone kaput."
'E sez. "I'll fix 'em right now, while yer wait."
So, she took out the teeth, an' 'elped Clance to 'is feet,
she sez. "I jusht 'ope that yer do a good job.
Cos, if yer don't mend 'em proper. - - Yer see these 'ere choppers?
- - - "Well, I might just let em loose. - - In me gob"
Hey up, you can watch this one here if you
want.