Steve (You're A Borin' Bugger Brenda) Morris. Now here's a funny
bloke, with his own unique style.Have a laugh at two of his poems,
re-produced here. You can read some more of his scribblings,if you go
along to his site at. http://www.howlingdog.info
Matters of Life and Death
Part Four ~ Gerrin' Owd.
I ne'er thought it'd 'appen, but it seems I've geet owd I'm soakin' up t' damp an' I'm shiverin' wi' t' cowd It'll get worse an' all, or so I've bin towd By yon Asian chap down at the clinic
Arthritic ankles an' knuckles an' knees There's summat keeps causin' mi bronchials fert wheeze An' I've got sort o' teeth that shoot out when I sneeze Mi Dad 'ad a set very sim'lar
The doc sez mi blood pressure's right up the pole I'm fallin' apart man, body an' soul An' I've even got problems wi' bladder control I can't stop the bugger from dribblin'
I 'ave to wear corsets an' a big double truss I've boils on mi buttocks that's full up wi' pus An' an unpleasant fungus I don't want t' discuss Cos it's itchy an' green wi' a crust on
Any thoughts about women I 'ave to suppress Since I spotted yon lass in 'er black, skimpy dress An' I just ended up wi' a great, sticky mess In the tap-room o' t' Spinners last Tuesday
Mi trousers an' slippers they both stink o' pee I'm 'angin' about like I'm waitin' fert dee An' the sod of it is I've just turned forty-three God knows 'ow I'll look when I'm fifty.
© Steve Morris.
A Sportin' Life.
I'm Marlene durin' office 'ours In admin - Bradley's Bricks Crosswords in mi dinner break An' finish spot on six I gets mi mum 'er shoppin' in Sometimes I cooks 'er tea Then I'm 'ome to Foxglove Avenue Just seven cats an' me
Just seven cats an' me that is 'til the evenin's mid-way through When I gets a gentleman caller round An' some nights I gets two But, please, don't get the wrong idea Romance aint in mi brief I just do 'personal services' For blokes what need relief
It's the blokes what need relief, ya see That 'elps mi pay the rent An' where's the 'arm in cheerin' up Some well 'eeled city gent? Doctors, lawyers, VIP's Mi diary's always packed An' I've got this Chief Inspector chap Who likes 'is bottom smacked
Oh 'e likes 'is bottom smacked alright Wi' a rolled-up Sportin' Life Then he'll sit an' show me photographs Of 'is children an' 'is wife She thinks he's down the snooker 'all Wi' a few o' the boys in blue An' she cooks 'is kippers unawares It's me what chalks 'is cue
I chalks the cue for quite a few Provides their mid-week treat Forty quid an' strictly cash No refunds, no receipt Oh aye! It seems peculiar But I've learned to love this life Don't fancy marryin' t' sort o' bloke Who'd treat me like a wife
Treat me like a wife, the sod Roll home at well gone nine Wi' a tale of 'ow 'is train broke down Like hell! The lyin' swine He's been wi' Little Miss Lingerie Enjoyin' 'is Friday fling While I'm off to bed wi' mi Ovaltine Now that's what marriage'd bring
That's what marriage'd bring, it would As well as the more mundane Matchin' Fair Isle cardigans An' 'olidays spent in Spain Deckchairs on a well trimmed lawn Of a Saturday afternoon Him wi' 'is gardenin' catalogues out An' me wi' a Mills an' Boon
Me wi' a Mills an' Boon? My arse! I'll stick to what I do best Chasin' the vicar around the settee Wi' baby oil rubbed on 'is chest So be careful if ya consider yourself An impeccable mother an' wife It could be your Albert bent over mi knee When I'm armed wi' mi Sportin' Life
© Steve Morris.