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steve morris Steve (You're A Borin' Bugger Brenda) Morris. Now here's a funny 
bloke, with his own unique style.Have a laugh at two of his poems, 
re-produced here. You can read some more of his scribblings,if you go
along to his site at. http://www.howlingdog.info
Matters of Life and Death
Part Four ~ Gerrin' Owd.
I ne'er thought it'd 'appen, but it seems I've geet owd
I'm soakin' up t' damp an' I'm shiverin' wi' t' cowd
It'll get worse an' all, or so I've bin towd
By yon Asian chap down at the clinic
	Arthritic ankles an' knuckles an' knees
	There's summat keeps causin' mi bronchials fert wheeze
	An' I've got sort o' teeth that shoot out when I sneeze
	Mi Dad 'ad a set very sim'lar
The doc sez mi blood pressure's right up the pole
I'm fallin' apart man, body an' soul
An' I've even got problems wi' bladder control
I can't stop the bugger from dribblin' 
	I 'ave to wear corsets an' a big double truss
	I've boils on mi buttocks that's full up wi' pus
	An' an unpleasant fungus I don't want t' discuss
	Cos it's itchy an' green wi' a crust on 
Any thoughts about women I 'ave to suppress
Since I spotted yon lass in 'er black, skimpy dress
An' I just ended up wi' a great, sticky mess
In the tap-room o' t' Spinners last Tuesday
	Mi trousers an' slippers they both stink o' pee
	I'm 'angin' about like I'm waitin' fert dee
	An' the sod of it is I've just turned forty-three
	God knows 'ow I'll look when I'm fifty.
©  Steve Morris. 
A Sportin' Life.
I'm Marlene durin' office 'ours
In admin - Bradley's Bricks
Crosswords in mi dinner break
An' finish spot on six
I gets mi mum 'er shoppin' in
Sometimes I cooks 'er tea
Then I'm 'ome to Foxglove Avenue
Just seven cats an' me
	Just seven cats an' me that is
	'til the evenin's mid-way through
	When I gets a gentleman caller round
	An' some nights I gets two
	But, please, don't get the wrong idea
	Romance aint in mi brief
	I just do 'personal services'
	For blokes what need relief
It's the blokes what need relief, ya see
That 'elps mi pay the rent
An' where's the 'arm in cheerin' up
Some well 'eeled city gent?
Doctors, lawyers, VIP's
Mi diary's always packed
An' I've got this Chief Inspector chap
Who likes 'is bottom smacked
	Oh 'e likes 'is bottom smacked alright
	Wi' a rolled-up Sportin' Life
	Then he'll sit an' show me photographs
	Of 'is children an'  'is wife
	She thinks he's down the snooker 'all
	Wi' a few o' the boys in blue
	An' she cooks 'is kippers unawares
	It's me what chalks 'is cue
I chalks the cue for quite a few
Provides their mid-week treat
Forty quid an' strictly cash
No refunds, no receipt
Oh aye! It seems peculiar
But I've learned to love this life
Don't fancy marryin' t' sort o' bloke
Who'd treat me like a wife
	Treat me like a wife, the sod
	Roll home at well gone nine
	Wi' a tale of 'ow 'is train broke down
	Like hell! The lyin' swine
	He's been wi' Little Miss Lingerie  
	Enjoyin' 'is Friday fling
	While I'm off to bed wi' mi Ovaltine  
	Now that's what marriage'd bring
That's what marriage'd bring, it would
As well as the more mundane
Matchin' Fair Isle cardigans
An' 'olidays spent in Spain
Deckchairs on a well trimmed lawn
Of a Saturday afternoon
Him wi' 'is gardenin' catalogues out
An' me wi' a Mills an' Boon
	Me wi' a Mills an' Boon? My arse!
	I'll stick to what I do best
	Chasin' the vicar around the settee 
	Wi' baby oil rubbed on 'is chest
	So be careful if ya consider yourself
	An impeccable mother an' wife
	It could be your Albert bent over mi knee 
	When I'm armed wi' mi Sportin' Life
©  Steve Morris.

 

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