It were a fortnight las' May, when Shaun passed away,
the Doc come, an' pronounced him extinct.
"That's a bind" his wife said, "Are you sure that 'e's dead?
Cos 'e's not washed the pots in that sink."
"An' the floors needin' moppin', an' who'll do me shoppin'?
An' put out the bin Monday night?
It'll cause us some probs, 'im poppin' 'is clogs,
I tell yer, it just isn't right."
"Well, 'e were ninety one," sez the Doc to Yvonne,
"poor bugger's worn out, can't yer see?"
She said. "'E never did much, jus' cookin' an' such,
- - now who's gonna make us me tea?"
She were like that Yvonne, jus' went on an' on,
so for Shaun bein' deaf were a blessin'.
With 'is 'earin' aid off, 'e'd missed quite a lot,
but dying … 'ad just left 'im guessin'.
Yer see, allthough 'e'd passed on, 'e 'adn't quite gone,
an' were 'overin' about, near the range.
'E knew summat were up, but 'e couldn't quite suss,
so jus' thought it a little bit strange.
'E hung on to the sink and 'e started to think,
when this voice at 'is side sez. " 'Ow do?"
It were 'is young brother Fred. Shaun sez. "Hey you, yer dead!"
"So what?" sez their Fred. - "So are you."
"'E were taken aback, 'e sez. "Hey, what's the crack?
I can't be I'm makin' the tea."
Again Freddy tried, he sez. "Look, you've just died!
Now shut up an' listen t' me."
"Jus' follow the light, an' you'll be alright."
He said. "Eh - what yer talkin' about?"
"I said follow the light! An' don't take all night!"
"Bloody 'ell," 'e sez. "No need t' shout."
Now 'e 'adn't quite 'eard one or two of the words,
'e jus' knew it were summat with 'IGHT.
'E thought. "I'll not ask, just in case I look daft,"
so 'e just made a turn, t' the RIGHT.
'E went straight through the wall, ended up in the 'all,
not a walk, - but more of a glide.
'E thought. "Hey this is queer, how've I ended up 'ere?"
- - Well yer would, if yer'd only just died.
So 'e turned right once more, cos 'e still wasn't sure,
young Fred weren't to clear with the gen'.
'E went out through the back, to the cludgie an' that,
then back in the kitchen again.
Yvonne were still there, she sez. "I don't bloody care,
it's not cos 'e's dead I'm upset.
'E jus' could 'ave 'ung on, when there's jobs t' be done,
'e's nowt but a selfish old get!"
Now a strange thing occurred, cos 'e 'eard every word,
every nuance, an' syllable spoke.
'E weren't overjoyed, it were more like annoyed,
- - yer see, 'e'd enough on 'is plate 'avin' croaked.
'E thought. "I know what I'll do," so 'e shouted out. "WOOooo!"
Stuck 'is tongue out, an' give 'er a look.
Then 'e shouted out. "Boo!" Cos that's what ghosts do,
'e'd read it somewhere in a book.
Meanwhile up in 'eaven, it were 'alf past eleven,
different time zone yer see from down 'ere.
Saint Peter sez. "Hey, there's one gone astray,"
scratched 'is 'ead, an' sez, "that's bloody queer."
So 'e 'ad a look down, an' saw Shaun goin' round,
in circles yer see, t' the right.
'E sez. "We'll 'ave t' reprieve 'im, an' jus' bloody leave 'im,
it's time t' shut up for the night."
Then back at Yvonne's, the vicar 'ad come.
"What a sin," 'e sez, "left in a quandary."
She sez. "Aye fair enough, I'm not feelin' too chuffed,
'e aint even finished the laundry."
Then, with a bang an' a flash, Shaun 'ad come back,
sittin' up, an' stretchin' 'is legs.
An' the poor bloody vicar? - - Well, 'e near wet 'is knickers.
"Well, I'll go to our 'ouse," the Doc said.
"So, yer back?" Sez Yvonne, "yer can get the tea on,
wash the dishes, an' polish the floor.
Peg out the washin', then go do me shoppin'."
"Bugger off!" 'E sez, "not anymore."
An' from that moment on, 'e did nowt for Yvonne,
woe betide 'er if dinner were late.
'E sez. "I'll not 'ave yer slackin', the grates needin' blackin',
- - that's as soon as yer've peeled us a grape."
Then in August jus' passed, 'e breathed out 'is last,
an the Doc sez. "'E's gone," to Yvonne.
She sez. "Well make bloody sure, cos yer cocked up before,
- - an' jus' check that 'is 'earin' aid's on!"
Hey up, you can watch this one here if you
want.