Mike Dempsey.   You must visit this site!  Mike's another "Lancashire Poet." Who writes some very funny monologues / stories in the "Stanley Holloway" style.  Go along to http://www.mikesmonologues.com/

 to read some of his other works. 

IT WERE A FORTNEET LAST WEDNESDAY ABOUT HALF PAST EIGHT,
WHEN T’LETTER AT SAM’S DID ARRIVE.
AND ‘EE OFFERED NO ‘ELP WHEN ‘EARIN’ A YELP,
‘EE WATCHED T’WHIPPET CHASE T’POSTMAN DOWN T’DRIVE.

‘EE SEARCHED FOR ‘IS SPECS AN’ ‘EE LOOKED ‘IGH AN’ LOW,
WHERE ‘EE DIDN’T LOOK T’LORD ONLY KNOWS.
‘TIL WALKIN’ THROUGH TH'ALL PASSIN’ MIRROR ON T’WALL,
‘EE SAW ‘EM PERCHED ON TH’END OF ‘IS NOSE.

‘EE OPENED THE LETTER AND ‘EE READ IT AT ONCE,
DEAR SIR - RE TH’ESTATE OF THY LATE UNCLE BILL.
WOULD YOU KINDLY BOB INTO TH’OFFICE,
‘CAUSE ‘EE’S LEFT THEE SUMMAT IN'T WILL.

NOW SAM AFTER READIN’ T’SAD TIDIN’S,
WERE FAIR FILLED WI’ GRIEF AND REMORSE.
‘CAUSE GREAT UNCLE BILL WERE A MILKMAN,
AND SAM FELT RIGHT SORRY FOR T’HORSE.

SAM GOT HIS-SELF READY - ‘AD A WASH AND A SHAVE,
AN’ USED GOOSE GREASE TO SMOOTH ‘IS ‘AIR DOWN.
THEN ‘EE POLISHED ‘IS BOOTS AND ‘EE SET OFF FOR COOTS,
THE SOLICITORS NEAR T’CO-OP IN TOWN.

WELL T’PLACE IT WERE FULL OF RELATIONS,
AND GREAT AUNTIE FLO BROUGHT ‘ER PARROT.
BUT ‘EE COULDN’T SEE T’HORSE ‘COS ‘IT HADN’T TURNED-UP,
T’WERE A SHAME ‘COS ‘EE’D FETCHED IT A CARROT.

“TO MY NEAREST AND DEAREST I LEAVE EVERYTHING.”
THE SOLICITOR STARTED TO READ.
AND ALL OF ‘EM GOT OUT THEIR ‘ANKIES,
AND THEIR EYES LIT UP T’ ROOM WI’ THEIR GREED.

BUT TO CUT SHORT A FAIR LONGISH STORY,
IT’S FUNNY ‘OW THINGS CAN TURN ROUND.
‘COS GREAT AUNTIE FLO SHE GOT SADDLED WI’ TH’ORSE,
AND SAM ‘EE GOT TEN THOUSAND POUND.

NOW SAM ‘EE ‘AD NO NEED FOR MONEY,
‘EE ‘AD NO NEED FOR NOWT BUT OF COURSE.
WI’ ALL OF THIS MONEY ‘EE WOULD SWAP AUNTIE FLO,
FOR WHAT ‘EE REALLY WANTED WERE TH’ORSE.

FLO SAID AS ‘OW SHE WERE PLEASED WI’ TH’IDEA,
FOR SUMMAT LIKE THIS SHE’D BEEN PRAYIN’.
‘COS IT KEPT TREADIN’ ON T’CAT IN ‘ER COUNCIL FLAT,
AND T’NEIGHBOURS WERE FED-UP WI' ALL T’NEIGHIN’.

SO SAM’S NOW CONTENT WI’ ‘IS WAY OF LIFE,
ALTHOUGH IT NEVER WAS ‘ARD.
AND TH’ORSE IS WELL FED AND IT LIVES IN A SHED,
‘AS SAM BUILT NEXT TO T’KENNEL IN T’YARD.

AND NOW THERE’S A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES EVERY WEEK,
WHICH I NEARLY FORGOT TO MENTION.
HOW ON MONDAYS, ON TH’ORSE, SAM AND T’WHIPPET OF COURSE,
TROT TO T’POST-OFFICE IN TOWN FOR SAM’S PENSION.

THERE'S A GRAND LITTLE PLACE REET OUT IN'T WOODS,
WI' NO'BUT A FEW LITTLE HOUSES.
WHERE SOME REET GRADELY FOLK LIVE ALL NICE AND CONTENT,
ALONG WITH THEIR KIDS AND THEIR SPOUSES.

BUT TROUBLE WI' T'VILLAGE ALTHOUGH IT WERE NICE,
AND CRAMMED FULL OF FLOWER AND TREE.
BY SOME GEOGRAPHICAL MISHAP,
IT WERE SITUATED TOO FAR FROM T'SEA.

SO SAM AND HIS WIFE WHO'D LIVED THERE A WHILE,
DECIDED THAT IF T'COSTS WERE IN REACH.
THAT THEY WOULD PURCHASE A MOTOR CAR,
AND TAKE T'KIDS AND GRANDMA TO T'BEACH.

THAT VERY SAME DAY THEY WENT SHOPPIN' FOR T'CAR,
AND FOUND ONE ABOUT HALF PAST FIVE.
BUT WHEN T'CHAP AT T'GARAGE SAID RIGHT PAL HOP IN,
SAM DECLARED AS 'OW HE COULDN'T DRIVE.

SO T'BLOKE IN SHOWROOM SAID HOW WOULD IT BE,
IF TO GET SOME EXPERIENCE LIKE.
HE'D LEND 'EM A HOOP AND STICK FOR A DAY,
AND HE'D FOLLOW BEHIND ON HIS BIKE.

SO STRAIGHT AFTER CHURCH ON SUNDAY,
THEY SET OFF AT QUITE A FAIR LICK.
HEADIN' FOR BLACKPOOL WI' T'KIDS AND WI' T'DOG,
AND GRANDMA AND T'BLOKE'S HOOP AND STICK.

THEY LOOKED A FAIR SEET WI' THEIR CLOGS ON THEIR FEET,
RUNNIN' ALONG ONE BEHIND T'OTHER.
SAM WI TH'OOP AND THEN IN A GROUP,
WERE T'KIDS AND T'WIFE AND HER MOTHER.

IT TOOK 'EM SOME TIME TO GET ON T'REET ROAD,
BUT THEY MADE IT EVENTUALLY.
THEN THEY ALL HAD TO STOP WHILE T'DOG HAD A PLOP,
AND GRANDMA TOOK KIDS FOR A WEE.

IT WERE GETTIN' ON QUARTER TO SEVEN,
WHEN SAM HE REMARKED WITH A WINK.
AS 'OW THEY WERE ALL FEELIN' THIRSTY,
THEY'D GO INTO A PUB FOR A DRINK.

THE KIDS AT THE PROSPECT OF VIMTO AND CRISPS,
THEIR EXITEMENT THEYJUST COULDN'T HIDE.
ALL OF 'EM DASHED STRAIGHT INTO PUB,
LEAVING TH'OOP AND STICK UNATTENDED OUTSIDE.

WELL AFTER THEY'D 'AD THEIR REFRESHMENTS,
AND SAM 'AD 'AD PINTS ONE OR TWO.
UP THEY ALL GOT AND TRUNDLED OUTSIDE,
AND GRAN TRUNDLED OFF TO THE LOO.

THEN THEY SCOURED ROUND ALL OF T'CAR PARK,
AND DUMBFOUNDED STOOD EVERY ONE.
BECAUSE IT WERE VERY APPARENT,
THAT TH'OOP AND STICK -THEY WERE GONE!

SO SAM HE TACKLED LANDLORD,
LANDLORD SAID HE JUST COULDN'T SEE.
WHY SAM WERE GETTIN' EXITED,
WHY IT WERN'T WORTH NO'BUT 25P.

BUT SAM 'E WERE GETTIN' FAIR FRANTIC,
AS LANDLORD SAID COME – COME! COME - COME!
SAM SAID ITS ALREET FOR THEE PAL THA LIVES 'ERE,
BUT HOW ARE US LOT GOIN' TO GET 'OME?

© Mike Dempsey.