Me best mate Jack, lived just at the back,
an' 'is bird? Well yer don't want t' know.
She were broad at the 'ips, wi' Mick Jagger lips,
an' 'er chins? She 'ad three in a row.
I'd say she were large, built like a Thames barge,
an' Jack? 'E were small an' right thin.
'E always walked at the rear, when winter were 'ere,
cos she shielded 'im out o' the wind.
Now when they first met, 'e said. "Aye up there Pet,
are yer dancin'?" She said. "No, I'm jus' sat."
'E sez. "'Ow old are yer lass?" She said. "Twenty, jus' passed."
'E said. "I'll add on a bit for the VAT."
She said. "Aye less o' yer lip, or I'll give yer a clip,
round yer ears." An' she rolled up 'er sleeves.
She grabbed 'old o' poor bloke, 'e said. "Aye, it's a joke."
She said, "good, cos I'm gettin' right peeved."
'E said. "Nay come on lass, I'm makin' a pass,
d' yer mind if I join yer sat 'ere?
D' yer want summat t' drink, what d' yer think?"
An' e' give 'er a sip of 'is beer.
Now if Jack 'as a fault, it's in the bank vault,
short arms an' very deep pockets.
'Is wallets right thin, an' t' moths can't get in,
unless they've the key to unlock it.
Then a Cha Cha were played, by the band on the stage,
'e said. "D' yer fancy a spin round the floor?
She said. "I can't dance, but I'll give it a chance,
it's me chilblains, they're getting' right sore."
Well, they traipsed round the floor, then did an encore,
they were at it like a couple o' troopers.
Jack thought. "It's alright, but 'er bra's not too tight,
she keeps bangin' me 'ead with 'er 'ooters."
Then after a jive, 'e said. "C'mon let's take five,"
cos she'd been a bit too much to 'andle.
She said. "What's up chuck? 'E said. "I thought I'd throw up,
when y' were swingin' me round by the ankle."
Well they sat themselves down, 'e sez."'Ave yer got 'alf a crown?"
she said. "Aye," 'e said. "Good it's your shout."
So she nipped t' the bar for a couple o' jars,
like I said 'e jus' wouldn't spend nowt.
They nipped out t' bog, to 'ave a quick snog,
an' she lifted Jack up to 'er lips.
'E said. "Where've yer bin, yer've got grease on yer chin."
She said. "I've just 'ad black puddin' an' chips."
They get married nex' week, at church so t' speak,
an' Jack sez. "I know she looks funny.
But when she walks down the aisle, y' can all bloody smile,
but at least I've got value for money."
