Herman On The Mount.

Herman come strugglin', down from the Mount,
it were up near Grotton On t' Moor.
"Give us a lift!" 'e shouted back down.
"Me knees are draggin' on t' floor."

    So we looks, t' see what the shoutin' were,
    an' see's 'Erman wi' this bloody big stone.
    I looks at Sam, -- an' 'e looks at me.
    "Bugger  off!" We sez, "leave it alone!"

"I can't!" Sez 'Erman, sweatin' like.
"It's a message that 'as t' be read.
It's from a bloke up  'ere, in a long white gown,
with an 'oola 'oop perched on 'is 'ead!"

    "I were up there, jus' the dog an' me,
    when this bush at the side -  set alight.
    "Bloody 'ell!" - - I sez t' dog,
    an' this voice sez. "Did I give yer a fright?"

"So I looks all around, as yer do like,
but all I could see were dog.
Then this figure appears out of nowhere.
" 'Ow do."  It sez. - - "This is God."

    "God?" -- I sez -- "Are yer kiddin' us.
    Are you sure, -- 'ave yer got some I.D?"
    Then 'e  'eld this mirror to 'is face.
    "Aye," 'e sez, -- "that's me!"

"So I gets down on me 'ands an' knees."
"Get up," 'e sez, -- does God.
"You're gettin' dirt like on yer pants,
an yer've gone an' scrawped yer clogs."

    "I've jus' come t' give this message,
    it's carved 'ere on this stone.
    Now carry it back down," 'e sez,
    "but don't read it till yer 'ome!"

So, we gives 'im a lift t' carry it,
must o' weighed near a ton there about.
"Let's break it t' bits," suggested Sam.
"We can't," sez 'Erman, "'e'll shout."

    So we struggles on, the three of us,
    wi' the stone diggin' into us shoulders.
    "It must be important." 'Erman sez,
    "or 'e'd use paper instead o' this boulder."

At last we got it to 'is 'ouse,
knackered, an due for a rest.
"I'd best read it at once." - 'Erman sez,
" 'ang on an'  I'll go get me specs."

    Then we rolls the stone, this way an' that,
    lookin' for t' wisdom 'e'd wrote.
    But there weren't a bloody mark on it,
    not even so much as a note!

Then this voice laughed out from way above.
"Bet yer buggered now, after yer graft.
I were bored out o' me mind up 'ere," it said,
"an' jus' fancied a bit of a laugh!"

© S. Brown

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