"Don't touch it!" She'd shout. "Or yer'll get such a clout,"
an' then she'd step back in recoil.
'Er panic arose from the thing on 'er nose,
the thing that they called "Bessies Boil."
She were quite shy were Bess, well it looked such a mess,
an' she 'id it as best as she could.
But wi' summat that red, with at least fifty 'eads,
the best thing she'd found were an 'ood.
She were really upset, jus' like yer'd expect,
at the sight o' the pimple she'd found.
So she nipped off t' vet, t' see what she could get,
cos the doctor were out on 'is rounds.
"By 'eck," sez the vet, "that's one 'eck of a speck,
come in cock an' pull up a chair."
'E sez, "yer in luck, yer next after this duck,
an' the donkey that's sat over there."
At last time 'ad passed. "Come in love," 'e asked,
but by now t'spot 'ad started t' grow.
"I've never seen nowt as big," 'e said, lightin' a cig',
"the roots must be down in yer toe."
So 'e 'ad a quick look, an' consulted 'is books,
'e sez, "that seems a little bit strange.
Accordin' t' these yer've got sparrows knees,
an' yer tail's got a touch of the mange."
'E 'ad a look in 'is bag, t' see what 'e 'ad,
'e said, " 'ere's some pills that might do the trick.
I give 'em t' cows, when they've got foot an' mouth,
an' dogs if they keep bein' sick."
They were round like a ball, but didn't do nowt at all,
an' the spot? Well it grew at a pace.
Within a few weeks it 'ad 'idden 'er cheeks,
in fact it took over 'er face.
For months it went on, wi' the boil on 'er bonce,
it were a wonder 'ow Bessie 'ad coped.
It 'ad got such a size, the thing covered 'er eyes,
so 'er dad made a periscope.
An 'ard life she 'ad, just 'er an' 'er dad,
cos 'er mam 'ad moved out of the 'ome.
Like she said. "It's not fair, I 'ave t' sleep in the chair,
cos the boil needs a bed of its own."
By now t'news 'ad spread, 'bout the thing on 'er 'ead,
an' busses were runnin' excursions.
T' Bessies abode, number ten Elland Road,
an' Bess 'ad t' draw front room curtains.
Then one day about three, she were makin' dads tea,
a nice salad cos t'weather were 'ot.
It were 'am an' boiled eggs, with a few chicken legs,
when the thing on 'er nose it went POP!
It were all over the floor, an' it run down the door,
an bits of it dripped from the ceilin'.
The room were a mess, as well as 'er dress,
so Bessie she set about cleanin'.
She'd just about done, when in 'er dad come,
sayin'. "I'm sorry I'm late."
"That's alright," said Bess', wipin' 'er dress,
an' 'andin' 'er father 'is plate.
"Best salad I've 'ad." Stated 'er dad,
an' 'e went on jus' singin' 'er praise.
"There's jus' one thing chuck, the next time yer cook,
don't give us that green mayonnaise."
Hey up, you can watch this one here if you
want.