I can remember it like it were yesterday,
but, that's cos it were, round about four.
We'd just 'ad us tea in the parlour,
an' t' dog were jus' sat on the floor.
"Oooh I always like Sundays," said mam to us all,
"innit nice when we're all spick an' span."
Well we were in a way, I suppose yer could say,
but it 'ad t' be spoilt by me gran.
She were prone t' the wind, (the sort that smelt like bad eggs),
an' 'er teeth didn't fit as they should.
They were alright for yackin' an' smilin' an' such,
but 'opeless for chewin' 'er grub.
So she sucked at mos' things, til t' goodness were out,
then put it back on 'er plate t' make soup.
But this suckin' it seemed, aggravated 'er wind,
an' there were a noise, that sort o' went. "Pfoof!"
Well we knew what it were, cos we'd 'eard it before,
an' mam sort o' let out a sob.
But me dad bein' gallant, 'e started t' rant.
"Gerr under!" 'E shouted at t' dog.
Well the dog it jus' looked, sort o' give 'im the eye,
"Gerr under yerself!" It replied
"I'm not takin' t' blame for what gran's gone an' done,
so don't look so bloody surprised."
"I' I' It talked!" Said me dad, "did yer 'ear it?" T' mam,
she said. "Aye, well I'll go to our 'ouse."
The dog looked at 'er queer, it said, "yer already 'ere."
Mam were shocked, so jus' played with 'er sprouts.
Then Florrie popped in, t' borrow some sugar,
an' some gravy t' dip with 'er bread.
" 'Ow do," sez the dog, " 'ow yer doin' then Flo?
an' oh by the way 'ows your Ted?"
Flo's eyes opened wide, with a look of surprise,
then she fumbled an' spilt 'alf the suger.
Then she opened 'er gob, she said. "A real talkin' dog?"
Mam said. "Aye, 'e's a right clever bugger."
Dad said. "We could make a few bob, with us own talkin' dog."
Mam said. "Aye, we could take 'im t' club.
'E jus' needs a good wash, t' make 'im look posh,
in some Dettol, it'll make 'im smell good."
So we took 'im t' Jimmy's, at th'end o' the street,
'e were t' chairman o' Flintlock an' Spark.
'E also 'elped run The Noggin O' Rum,
an' conducted the choir at Saint Marks.
Dad sez. "I've got summat 'ere, yer really should see,
yer won't believe it, cos I don't meself.
We'd just 'ad us tea, an' between you an' me,
the dog starts t' talk by itself."
"Oh aye," Jimmy said, "a dog that can talk."
"But 'e can," said me mam all aloof.
Dad said. "I told yer yer'd think we were pullin' yer leg,"
an gran? She jus' sort o' went, "Pfoof!"
Best part of an 'our we sat in Jimmy's front room,
coaxin' t' dog wi' some biscuits an' bones.
Jim said. "I think that's enough, I've only 'eard it go woof."
Dad said, "jus' wait 'till I get 'im back 'ome."
So we got back t' th'ouse, an' dad threw the dog in,
an' as true as I'm stood, sittin' 'ere.
Mam went t' the sink t' brew us a drink,
an' t' dog sez. "Will yer make mine a beer?"
Well me dad 'it the roof, an' t' dog sez. "What's up?
I'll 'ave a coffee if beer's t' much trouble.
"It's Jimmy," dad said, "thinks I'm right off me 'ead,
an' I've come down the Liffy on t' bubble."
For t' rest o' the night it jus' wouldn't shut up,
til at last it were time for us bed.
The dog said, "g'night, 'ope the bed bugs don't bite,
cover t' budgie up first tho'," it said.
Now t' budgie were sat with 'is mate in the mirror,
well the poor bugger 'adn't much choice.
An' 'e sez to 'is mate, "It's been funny t'day,
yer know wi' me throwin' me voice!"
Hey up, you can watch this one here if you
want.