ORBzine - History 2008 Movie Reviews
Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
Jim Caviezel [
Passion of the Christ
] is framed by his best friend, Guy Pearce [
The Time Machine
].
He spends many long years imprisoned by Michael Winfield [
The Crow, Alien: Resurrection, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
]. Eventually he escapes, and plots his revenge.
This is based on the novel by Alexandre Dumas . It keeps more or less to the story, and is a fair retelling of it.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
This is based on a stage-play, itself a pastiche of Hamlet by William Shakespeare.
Renaissance Denmark, and the title characters [Tim Roth and Gary Oldman] ride to the Royal castle. Their luck has changed - but they begin to suspect that now fate has taken over.
Prince Hamlet [Iain Glen - Lara Croft: Tomb Raider ] has summoned them to attend him. A mysterious theatre-master [Richard Dreyfuss - Jaws] dogs their footsteps, and from the sidelines they watch Hamlet’s story unfold.
Oldman accidentally stumbles across a number of scientific discoveries, thus revealing the characters’ potential. Roth, meanwhile, attempts to discover what is going on. And the disturbing realization that they are mere players, and all their world is a stage, is never far away.
Titus
This is a 1999 version of Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus.
General Titus [Anthony Hopkins -
Hannibal
] loyally serves the Emperor [Alan Cummings -
Goldeneye
]. However,
Jessica Lange
plots against him.
The makers retained the original Shakespearean dialogue, though the sets and costumes are Art Deco. The sadistic violence is typically shakespearean - think of Theatre of Blood . And Titus' revenge reminds one of of Hopkins' most famous role!
Hopkins is ably supported by Colm Fiore [ Chronicles of Riddick ] and Angus Macfadyen [ Braveheart, Saw 3 ].
Don Quixote (2000)
This is a 21st Century adaptation of a 17th Century novel -
set in the 19th Century, to increase the anachronism.
Don Quixote [John Lithgow
3rd Rock from The Sun
], an elderly gentleman, goes senile and thinks he is a Knight.
He goes on a quest with his loyal squire, Sancho Panza [Bob Hoskins -
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Hook
] on behalf of a washerwoman he thinks is the Lady Dulcinea [
Vanessa Williams
].
During their adventures, they meet a variety of equally interesting characters. Some are helpful, like the young graduate [James Purefoy - Rome ]. Others merely want to mock the adventurers - like Isobella Rossellini and Lambert Wilson [ Sahara, Catwoman ].
Shrek II
Shrek and Fiona visit Fiona's parents, King and Queen of Far Far Away.
Naturally, the Royals are less than happy to see a couple of Ogres arrive!
The King [John Cleese - Life of Brian ] hires Puss in Boots [Antonio Banderas - Zorro ] to assassinate Shrek!
Shrek the Third
The old King [John Cleese] dies.
Shrek, as Fiona's Husband, is next in line for the throne.
He doesn't want it, so he goes to find a young Prince
[Justin Timberlake] who's also in the inheritance.
They get a helpful wizard (Eric Idle - Life of Brian ) to lend a hand.
Meanwhile, Prince Charming wants the Throne himself. He gets together an army of outcasts, the people who always come off worse in fairytales, and unites them with common cause.
Earthsea
A young boy named Gerd grew up on the world of Earthsea.
A Wizard [Danny Glover -
] recommended him for the Magic Academy,
so he studied and developed his magical skills.
Kristen Kreuk is a trainee priestess, part of a sisterhood dedicated to keeping demons at bay.
Katherine Isabelle is one of Gern's friends as he starts his quest.
The original author, Ursula LeGuin , disowned this primarily because of the casting. Producer Robert Halmi has filmed several pieces in Australia [ Farscape being the best example], where the cast can be selected to have a Polynesian appearance. Unfortunately this work was filmed in Vancouver, so the cast are predominently caucasian.
Hawk the Slayer
Darth Vader lookalike Voltan [Jack Palance -
Spy in the Green Hat
] threatens to pillage a nunnery unless a ransom is paid.
The head nun, Annette Crosbie, sends W. Morgan Sheppard [
] to summon Hawk the Slayer [John Terry -
Living Daylights
]. But even with Hawk's magic sword and Sheppard's automatic crossbow [!!!] they still need help.
They recruit a band of desperados - a Giant [Bernard Bresslaw -
Krull
], a dwarf and an elf. Yes, instead of the Dirty Dozen or Magnificent Seven,
the nuns are protected by the ... Five.
Patricia Quinn pops up as a sorceress.
The best thing about it is the music, which owes more than a little to Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds!
Kingdom of Heaven
This is a big-budget epic with a great cast and director (
Ridley Scott
). Orlando Bloom [
LOTR, Pirates of the Caribbean
] is on the run, but luckily meets his father [Liam Neeson -
SW1: TPM
], a Crusader.
Once in the Holy Land, Orlando must save the Christians from defeat in a war that nobody really wanted. The story feels like Gladiator meets Pirates of the Caribbean , with a bit of SW1: TPM thrown in for good measure. True to modern political correctness, it makes the Templars eeevil and the Saracens noble.
Phantom of the Opera (2004)
This starts in b&w, set during the closing-down sale at the Paris Opera House.
It then flashes back (in an amazing SPFX scene) to the place's hey-day,
when it had just been bought by new management.
The Diva Carlotta [
Minnie Driver
] storms out, so they get Christine the chorus girl [
Emmy Rossum
] to stand in for her.
Christine is the protege of the Phantom,
a mysterious and masked figure who creeps about the Opera House.
A bit like Zorro, only he doesn't help people out of the goodness of his heart.
The Phantom helps Christine's career, but only because he wants her for himself. Unfortunately, when she falls for the young Aristocrat who owns the Opera Hall the Phantom is greatly offended. He shows that he knows how to use a sword, among other skills.
This isn't a crappy slasher or melodrama - it's a musical with wonderful cinematography. It's even in widescreen, to give extra value for money. Miranda Richardson and Jennifer Ellison provide able support.
Joel Schumacher delivers an impressive piece, to say the least. In fact, the Andrew Rice Webber songs are probably the weakest part of it!
Attila
King of the Huns, Steven Berkoff [
] takes his orphaned nephew Attila [Gerald Butler -
Dracula 2001, Lara Croft: Cradle of life, 300
] as protege.
Rome finally realises the danger the Huns represent. The Emperor's mother,
Alice Krige
, orders the release from prison of her political rival, Rome's greatest General [Powers Booth -
].
Attila falls in love with peasant girl Simone MacKinnon .
Part 2
The Eastern Emperor [Tim Curry - Rocky Horror picture Show ] plots against Attila. Worse, the Emperor's sister makes her own plays for power. Attila finally gets an excuse to invade Rome. This brings him up against his old mentor, Powers Boothe!
Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, The
This is the mega-budget adaption of the childrens' book by
CS Lewis.
It certainly doesn't disappoint.
It's a lot more accessible to youngsters than the
Lord of the Rings
trilogy, which is the closest comparison.
The story starts in the Second World War, when the four Pevensie children are evacuated from London. The go to live in a country mansion with Professor Jim Broadbent ( Inkheart ). The youngest child, Lucy, discovers that a wardrobe is actually a doorway to the magical world of Narnia.
Narnia is ruled by the wicked White Witch ( Tilda Swinton ). However, the talking animals that live there look forward to the Second Coming of their saviour, Aslan the talking lion (voiced by Liam Neeson - SW I: Phantom Menace ).
Lucy brings her siblings through the wardrobe. Peter, the eldest, is de facto leader. Susan ( Anna Popplewell ), ironically when one considers her eventual fate, is a contrary bitch who argues with every one of Peter's decisions. Edward, a middle child, goes off on his own ... and meets the Witch!
Prince Caspian
This is adapted from the first sequel to
The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe
. But while the source material was a children's book,
a slim pamphlet of 190 pages (including illustrations),
this has been much expanded to fill out over 2 hours!
A year after the events of the first book, the Pevensie children are summoned back to Narnia. The land has been conquered by a human race, the Telmarines, and the magical Narnian creatures have been driven into hiding. The Pevensies must team up with Caspian, a young Telmarine Prince of their own age, and liberate Narnia in the name of Aslan. Little People Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis [Reepicheep in the BBC adaption] play Dwarves. Davis gives a wonderful performance - his earlier work was OTT, almost pantomime material, but here he gives his character far greater depth. Eddie Izzard provides the voice for Reepicheep, the swashbuckling mouse.
While the story stays more or less true, the dialogue is much changed. The original tweeness has been replaced with a modern cynicism - the D.L.F. line is the most obvious example.
The Telmarines, the equivalent of the Norman Conquerers, are portrayed as Spanish conquistadors (with crossbows instead of muskets). But in fairness they are now actually introduced as individual characters, while in the book they were a bland conglomeration.
All in all, despite all the changes this is a much improved version of the story. The CGI and celebrity supporting actors don't hurt it, either.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry and the others go back to Hogwarts for their Second year.
Celebrity Wizard Gilderoy Lockhart (Kenneth Branagh
Dead Again
) is the new Professor for Defence Against the Dark Arts.
Some monsterous follower of Voldemort is on the loose in Hogwarts. It's even killing the castle's Ghosts! Suspicion is that the monster is something to do with the mysterious Chamber of Secrets, supposedly concealed somewhere in Hogwarts.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Harry and the others go back to Hogwarts for their third year.
But Sirius Black (Gary Oldman -
Lost In Space
) has busted out of Azkaban prison.
Everyone thinks he’s on his way to Hogwarts, to kill Harry.
David Thewlis ( Dragonheart ) is the new Professor for Defence Against the Dark Arts. He takes a liking to Harry, and teaches him the Petronas charm
This was directed by Latin American film-maker Alfons Cuaron , and is far more serious in tone than the previous offerings by Hollywood kids' director Chris Columbus .
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
This time the director is
Mike Newell
, best known for serious dramatic work.
The film opens with a score reminiscent of John Williams' work
and a landscape reminiscent of Mordor.
The eeevil Voldemort is planning something.
Meanwhile, the main characters head off to the Quiddich World Cup. This doesn't add much to the plot, but conveniently introduces most of the story's main characters. Then Voldemort's followers, the Death-eaters, attack - led by David Tennant [ Dr Who ]!
Back in Hogwarts, the school has been chosen to host the Tri-Wizard Cup. The 2 other Magical schools send their best pupils, the typical bunch of shallow stereotypes. Each sends their best as a contestant for the Cup. The Russian is a sporty, slow-witted fellow. The French girl is also a stereotype. The Hogwarts golden boy is Cecil Diggory, who never made much impression before this movie. And someone mysteriously put Harry Potter's name in!
Harry is forced to compete, while dealing with Ron and Hermiones' tantrums. Tabloid journalist Miranda Richardson pops up briefly to insinuate scandal into things. One gets the feeling there was a sub-plot in the book that was barely squeezed into the film.
The climax really just sets things up for the next episode in the series.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Harry and the others go back to Hogwarts for their Fifth year.
Ministry of Magic Securocrat Imelda Staunton is the new Professor for Defence Against the Dark Arts.
Her main job is actually to cover up for the fact that Voldemort is back in business!
Dumbledore has started his own secret army, the Order of the Phoenix. Snape is an important member, even though Potter and his chums still have a childish mistrust of the man that Dumbledore puts so much faith in. However, we get a brief flashback that explains Snape's emnity towards Potter's father ...
Potter and his chums start their own self-defence classes. Of course, they have to escape the attentions of Ms Staunton. Meanwhile, Voldemort rebuilds his army by staging a mass breakout from Azkhaban. The old Death Eaters are back in force, including Bellatrix Lestrange ( Helena Bonham Carter ).
Timeline
This is yet another big-budget B-Movie based on a pulp bestseller by
Michael Crichton
. It's basically the time-travel equivalent of
Congo.
Archaeologist Billy Connolly ( X-Files ) works for Billionaire David Thewlis ( Dragonheart ) on an excavation at a medieval castle in France. Connolly's team include his son Paul Walker (Into the Blue), Walker's girlfriend Frances O'Connor and Connolly's sidekick Gerard Butler ( Dracula 2001 ). They make a lot of apparently off-the-cuff remarks that we know will turn out ironic later.
The Billionaire sends his pet archaeologists through a time portal to the Middle ages. A couple of ex-Marines go along as token red-shirts. Naturally, things go wrong. Luckily it's a Hollywood version of History, without dirt or grime or suffering. Butler goes chasing after a French peasant woman (like all French women in Hollywood, played by an English actress - this time Anna Friel ). The English, especially the villainous Martin Csokas ( XXX ), make things as hard as they can for our heroes.
The Archaeologists seem to know very little about the time period they're studying. The reason why they side with the villainous Frenchies instead of the hard-working English doesn't make sense either. Perhaps they wish to return to a future where the USA is now Greater Quebec!
Brothers Grimm
The title characters are Heath Ledger (
Dark Knight
) and Matt Damon (
Dogma
), a pair of monster-hunters who help people in Napoleonic-era Germany.
They don't do it for free, of course.
Napoleon's Governor (Jonathan Pryce - Tomorrow Never Dies ) orders them to save some missing children from an enchanted forest ... Along with their sidekick McKenzie Crook ( Pirates of the Caribbean ), an Italian hit-man and a female rabbit-skinner ( Lena Headey ), they set off into the unknown.
This was directed by Terry Gilliam . It's far cry from his Monty Python stuff - it's closest to Baron Munchausen or Burton's Sleepy Hollow . All the Germans speak with English accents (even Matt Damon!), but the acting performances are all excellent.
Casanova
Heath Ledger (
Brothers Grimm, The Dark Knight
) is the title character, the arch-seducer at liberty in Renaissance Venice under the rule of Tim McInnery (Blackadder).
He attempts to seduce Sienna Miller , the daughter of Lena Olin , while dodging Catholic Inquisitor Jeremy Irons ( Dungeons & Dragons ). Oliver Platt ( Bicentennial Man ) helps out.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Dick Van Dyke (
Mary Poppins
) is an inventor who repairs an old car.
His children name it Chitty Chitty Bang Bang because of the noises it makes.
In the story within a story, Van Dyke and family use their car to take on the evil Baron Blomburst (Gert Frobe - Goldfinger ). They follow the Baron to his fairytale Rhineland castle. Like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom , the town they arrive in doesn't have any children. But this is a singing, dancing musical instead of a horror film.
Mary Poppins
Edwardian England, and a couple of upper middle-class children are miserable.
But super-powered nanny Mary Poppins (
Julie Andrews
) appears on the scene, and cheers everyone up.
Mary and her boyfriend the chimney sweep (Dick Van Dyke - Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ) take the kids on magical adventures, courtesy of the Walt Disney corporation. The result is a big-budget 1960s technicolour musical that mixes live-action footage and animation.
Dungeons and Dragons 2
Thousands of years after the events of the first
Dungeons and Dragons
movie, and there is no technological progression.
Damadar (Bruce
), henchman from the first film, is now an archvillain in his own right.
Damadar plans to revive a slumbering dragon, and use it to destroy a city. The city sends a handful of mis-matched adventurers on a dungeon-bash - much closer to the game than the original movie was.
Merchant of Venice (2005)
This play, written by Shakespeare (an Englishman who never visited Venice in real life),
has been given authentic costumes and settings.
It keeps more or less to the original story, though certain nice touches have been added.
Venice, circa 1590. Antonio (Jeremy Irons - Dungeons and Dragons ), the title character, borrows money from the Jewish money-lender Shylock. The small print? If Antonio cannot repay the debt in time, Shylock can instead claim a pound of Antonio's flesh!
Al Pacino, famous for OTT acting, here manages to rein himself in as Shylock. The other performances are also impressive. Oddly, the female lead is a newcomer who was last-minute replacement for a big-name star. Perhaps she will get more opportunities in the future ...
Moll Flanders
Eighteenth Century London. Morgan Freeman [
Seven
] liberates a petulant young girl from an orphanage, and takes her on a journey to the Americas.
This section frames the main story, as Freeman reads to her the journal of her mother - the title character.
Freeman's English accent isn't the best, and makes his normally excellent narration sub-par.
Moll Flanders ( Robin Wright ) was born in Newgate prison. She worked in a brothel, became an artist's model ...
The Alex Kingston version had a lot more incidents, but as a TV mini-series it was a lot longer. This film does quite well at over two hours.
This was filmed entirely in Ireland. Ardal O'Hanlon (Father Ted) is one of the Brothel customers, and Jeremy Brett (Sherlock Holmes) is the artist's father.
A Man For All Seasons
This is the story of Thomas Moore, Lord Chancellor of England in the reign on Henry VIII (Robert Shaw - Jaws).
Unfortunately, Henry's divorce meant embracing the Reformation.
Thomas Moore fell out of favour, and eventually became the target of his replacements.
This was based on a biography on Moore written by his son-in-law, and thus is flattering to the point of being misleading. Moore is presented as being a fair-minded man, whereas in reality he was responsible for the execution of Tyndale for the crime of translating the Bible into English! The other three Thomases - Wolsey (Orson Welles - Casino Royale ), Cromwell (Leo McKern - The Prisoner ) and Cranmer - are all portrayed as extremely corrupt in comparison.
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