ORBzine - January 2004 Movie Reviews
Red Sonja
This owes little to the
Robert E Howard
character, and nothing to his original story
Shadow of the Vulture.
Our heroine is a pre-implants Brigitte Nielsen . Strangely, the eeevil Queen Gedren [ Sandahl Bergman ] is better looking, but a worse actress!
The Props are outlandish instead of medieval.
Comic relief is provided by a kiddie emperor [oriental] and fat Joxer. Somehow they can walk faster than Sonja's horse, even when she takes shortcuts!
This is lo-budget trash, courtesy of Dino de Laurentis .
PI
This is a low-key thriller shot in b&w.
A group of Hebrew mathematicians want to ascertain Pi to 216 digits.
The cast includes a veteran of Oz.
Snow Queen (2002)
This is a US version of the Hans Christian Anderson tale. It was made by Hallmark in 2002, so it has good spfx and Henson animatronics. It consists of 2 x 90min parts, made for tv.The main parts are female, as Andersen intended - Gerda, the princess, the robber girl. The Snow queen [ Brigid Fonda ] and her polar bear kidnap a teen boy [he looks at least 20 years old] from canada circa 1900. His GF goes to rescue him, via China.
La Femme Musketeer
This is based on the works of
Alexandre Dumas
and the French film
Dartagnan's Daughter
.
Dartagnan [Michael York], John rhys Davies [ Lord of the Rings ] and Christopher Casenove [ Knight's Tale are retired musketeers. Dartagnan's daughter [suzy amis - footballers wives] becomes a musketeer. She's totally wooden, not even that attractive, and no comparison with Sophie Marceau .
Her mission is to help the Spanish Infanta marry the French King. Cardinal Mazarin [Gerard Depardieu - Man in the Iron Mask ] and Natassja Kinski conspire against them. The other villain has a goatee and wears lots of black leather.
This was produced by Robert Halmi jnr, and features lots of slavic actors [indicating it was made in central europe]. Also, it is ironic that Depardieu, the only Frenchman in the cast, plays an Italian.
Joe's Apartment
East Village NYC.
Joe O'Connell is a slob, has talking cockroaches [good CGI for 1996]
Megan Ward [pre- Dark Skies ] provides the love interest.
Robert Vaughn [ Man From Uncle ] is a scary politician.
Highlander Endgame
This starts with a new, true origins are unknown intro by Connor MacLeod [Christopher Lambert].
The film is set 10 yrs after start of the TV show pilot. It's widescreen, with more SPFX and gore than in the TV show [it shows the severed heads].
Connor has a flashback to "glencoe"? with Beatie Ednie. His enemies want to kill his Mother [he's a foundling!]. His friend Jacob the Priest [Bruce Payne] is evil Immoral? Should he not be Presbyterian in 1555?
In 1999, Connor is a prisoner of Watchers [barrier to the prize] Then Payne and Donnie Yen attack.
Duncan must come to Connor's aid, and defeat the evil Imortals for the last time. But Lisa Babuscia [Duncan's wife] is a femme fatale, one of Payne's team.
The ending features Millennium Dome interior footage, dating this since it was no doubt released in y2k.
Inseminoid
This is an
Alien
rip-off. The english cast - err, crew of a spaceship - are subject to a
Rosemary's Baby
situation.
The crew include Judy Geeson, Jennifer Ashley, Stephanie Beecham and Victoria Tennant .
Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood
Angie Everhard
is Lillith, an Ubervamp. She runs a secret brothel.
Erika Eleniak is a jesus-freak. She hires Chris Sarandon [ Child's Play, Fright Night ] to find her brother [Corey Feldman].
Bill Sadler [ Roswell ] pops up in a supporting role.
Rollerball (1970s)
This is a 1970s dystopia, where Corporations are so powerful that sports events involve singing a
corporate anthem!
They see it as a Utopian world [as the Prez explains] - managed by corporations.
Rollerball, the most popular sport, is a full-contact ball-game on roller skates. Houston are world champs, defending in a home games against Madrid. James Caan [ Misery ] is the most popular team's captain. He also has to balance his girlfriend [ Pamela Hensley ] and wife [ Maud Adams ]!
Ralph Richardson is a tech running an AI supercomputer. Burt Kwouk [ Water margin ] is a japanese doc. Other supporting players are Rick le Parmentier [ Star Wars IV: A New Hope ], Shane Rimmer [ Diamonds Are Forever and Moses Gunn.
Hudsucker Proxy
1958 NYC. Tim Robbins [
Shawshank Redemption
is a naive genius who arrives in town and joins the Hudsucker Corporation.
Jennifer Jason Leigh
is his secretary. She's actually an undercover reporter, and Bruce Campbell [
Evil Dead
] is her sidekick reporter.
Paul Newman is the company's evil chairman. Other familiar faces include Charles Durning and Roy Brocksmith.
Strange Frequencies
This is an anthology of music-related scifi-horror-comedy. It consists of 4 short films.
My Generation
Eric Roberts picks up a hitchhiker [Christopher Masterson -
Malcolm in the middle].
There is a serial killer on the loose!
Room service
This concerns a rock star and old lady maid.
More than a feeling
Josh [breakfast club] is a talent scout.
Marla Sokoloff
is a singer.
Blast from the Past
In 1963 Christopher Walken [
VTAK, Batman Returns
] and
Sissy Spacek
seal themselves into a nuclear bomb-proof bunker.
In 1997 their son Brendan Fraser [ The Mummy explores the post-apocalyptic city. He falls for Eve [ Alicia Silverstone ], and falls foul of her ex-BF [Nathan Fillion - Dracula 2001, Serenity ].
This is basically a fish-out-of-water romcom, but nicely done.
New Scooby Doo movies
The gang investigate a disappearing House and an amusement park.
They help Batman and Robin uncover some counterfeit money.
The villains are the Penguin and Joker [who has a very gruff voice]
The gang help Laurel and hardy vs bigfoot!
The gang help The Harlem Globetrotters vs redbeard's ghost!
What's New, Scooby Doo is a weekly cartoon. The gang attend a ren-fair at Glasborough castle.
Knights of the Round Table
This is a 1953 technicolour swashbuckler.
Guinevere is Ava Gardner , while Mordred is Stanley Baker [ Where's Jack? ].
George Lucas in Love
This is a 10 min short about
George Lucas
at film school in the 1960s.
It is packed with hilarious references to
Star Wars
.
Automatic
This is a 1994 b-movie.
Olivier Gruner [
Codename Eternity
] is a cyborg BG/butler, while John glover [
Smallville
] is the Corporation CEO who owns him.
It basically turns into a Die Hard scenario [rogue borg vs evil Corp].
Marjean holden is a merc leader, and Penny Johnson has a small role.
Gunpowder, Treason and Plot
Though this was produced by the BBC,
it is a bigoted work that rewrites history and undermines democracy.
It portrays Elizabeth and Moray and Knox as villainous.
Rizzio is a wise advisor, while Bothwell is an action hero.
Talk about historical inaccuracies!!!
If Mary's side had won, democracy would not exist in the English-speaking world - if anywhere! Contraception and abortion are wrong. But don't worry - AIDS is Jevovah's punishment for unwanted pregnancy!
Daniella Nardini has a small role as Mary Huntley.
Psychomania
1972, England.
Some bikers get involved in black magic rituals at stone circle.
Beryl Reid gets cursed, and she's the biker hero's mum.
Phantasm 3: Lord of the Dead
This was made back in 1993.
Our heroes are joined by a black babe, all on run from the Tall Man [Angus Scrimm -
Alias
].
Don Coscarelli actually produced Phantasm IV, though it hasn't got a release in the UK yet.
Tales from the Crypt
Tourists lost in catacombs, cryptkeeper tells their future
And All Through The House
Joan Collins
murders husband, then is menaced by evil santa.
Reflections of Death
adulterer dreams of his death ...
Poetic Justice
Evil young snob destroys life of harmless old man [Peter Cushing]
Wish you were here
Greedy businessman gets 3 wishes. Starring Roy Dotrice -
Beauty and the Beast
.
Blind Alleys
greedy major runs home for Blind, they get revenge on him.
Disturbing Behavior
James Marsden [
X-Men
and
katharine Isabelle
go to a small town. It's run by the sheriff [Steve Railsback -
X-Files, The Visitor
], the doctor [Bruce Greenwood -
Sleepwalkers
] and the jock [Nick Stahl -
Terminator 3, Sin City
].
Katie Holmes is a local girl.
The House That Dripped Blood
This is a Hammer-style anthology about 4 murders in 1 house.
A detective features in the bookends scenes.
- Denholm Elliot [
Robin and Marian, Indiana Jones
] is a novelist stalked by a murderous character.
- Peter Cushing [
Star Wars
], a retired stockbroker, goes to the local museum of horror.
His best friend Joss Ackland visits - at risk from eevil waxworks!
- Christopher Lee [
Dracula, Star Wars, LOTR
] moves in, and brings his creepy 10yo daughter ...
- Ingrid Pitt and Worzel Gummage [ Doctor Who are horror film actors, but their vamp cloak is a haunted costume!
Robocop
This was produced by Firestone and Haight, in Totonto [set in Y2k "Delta City"].
Prime Directives
Robocop faces a serial killer vigilante. It also introduces Murph's son and ex-partner.
Meltdown
Robocop is on the run, with ex-partner Robo Cable after him. An Evil OCP exec is plotting.
Resurrection
Robocop faces special robohunters who don't have AP ammo! The new OCP policy is ploughshares into swords. Murph Jnr sent after Robo. Robo II enslaved by psycho ex-OCP nerd. This leads up to an extended firefight [mediocre, NOT Hardboiled !]
Crash and Burn
- A 90-min battle inside OCP HQ ties up loose ends. The end clips during final credits -the ending is far too happy.
Trancers 3: Deth Lives
Deth [Tim Thomerson] is now a PI in LA [trapped from the year 2363].
He's divorcing from
Helen Hunt
. Then a lizard man arrives from the future.
Stephen Macht [ Galaxina leads the resistance. Andrew Robinson [ Star Trek: DS9 leads a USMC Unit.
Props include a 2005 newspaper [no Internet - this was made in 1992]. The plot relies on coincidence!
Monster Makers
This is a US TV movie from 2003.
It's lo-budget, but Produced by Robert Halmi Jnr.
Shelley Stoker [ Linda Blair ] and son watch 1951 horror movie. The monsters become real, as does the sheriff [Adam Baldwin - Serenity ]. George Kennedy has a cameo.
Brave New World
This is a 1998 adaption of the classic novel by
Alduous Huxley
.
In a futuristic society, city folk [Peter Gallagher and wife] meet savages [who own old books] from the reservation.
Miguel Ferrer [ Robocop ] is the boss of mind control. Leonard Nimoy [ Star Trek ] is The Controller. And Daniel Dae Kim [ Voyager, Crusade, Angel, Lost ] is a Gofer.
In the future, having kids is illegal. Brainwashing takes place in a Clockwork Orange chair, and TV adverts [super-liminal!] are a satire on media feeding frenzy.
Tycus
This is a 1998 film. It was produced by
Andrew Stevens
, so your expectations should be suitably low.
Dennis Hopper [scientist] gets main billing, but is actually in a minor role.
The hero is a journalist, and his wife is the Charmed ones' mother.
The story has bookends [in the year 2029 CE], but the main story is flashback to 1993.
Odyssey
This is a mini-series comprising of 2 x 90 mins, made for US TV.
It was produced by
Francis Ford Coppola
.
Odysseus [Rico Dredd] wins the Trojan war [you know, as in Troy ]. But his ship is blown off-course while returning home, so he sails around and fights monsters for seven years.
In Part 2, Odysseus must save his wife [ Greta Scacci ] from a horde of suitors led by Eric Roberts.
Children of Dune
This is a TV mini-series.
It has some blocky CGI and wooden acting [suffers compared to the production values of the
David Lynch
movie]. However, it stays faithful to the
Frank Herbert
book.
Alice Krige is Muaddib's mom. Susan Sarandon is an evil plotter. Stephen Berkoff leads the Fremen.
The total running time is under 3 hrs. Filmed in Czech republic.
cherry 2000
The future looks like a bad place.
unemployment is at 40%, recycling is the main industry.
Health and safety issues are ignored, even though a sexbot shorts out [due to kitchen sink overflow!].
The hero can't be bothered to hire Laurence Fishbourne [ Event Horizon ] as his sex negotiator, so he tries to retrieve his sexbot from the bandit-filled wilderness.
Melanie griffiths is an unconvincing bounty hunter. She's just a molly ringwald wannabee, not pretty or tough.
There's some nice cinematography and stunts [especially the rocket duel]. The cast includes Brion James [ Knight Rider 2010 ], Marshall Bell [ Total Recall ], Tim Thomerson [ Trancers ], Ben Johnson.
The hero's choice is to save the damsel or liberated woman [who falls for him instantly].
Robin and Marian
Robin Hood [Sean Connery -
Dr No, LXG
] and Little John [Nichol Williamson -
Excalibur
]are jailed by Richard the Lionheart [Richard Harris -
Mutiny on the Bounty
]. They return from the Crusades for Marian [
Audrey Hepburn
].
Marian is now head nun at Kirklys Abbey. Robin and John join with Will Scarlett [Denholm Elliot - Raiders of the Lost Ark ] and Friar Tuck [Ronnie Barker] against Sheriff Robert Shaw. This allows Shaw and Connery to duel for the first time since From Russia with Love .
The fact that the main characters are aging heroes is not very Hollywood. These veterans deliver expert performances. And the ending itself is not Hollywood-style at all.
Thunderbirds
Directed by
Jonathan Frakes
, this owes more to his previous film
Clockstoppers
than it does to the original TV show!
It's about how the teenagers save the day,
and thus descends into cliches.
There are a few stars, but most of the budget went on SPFX.
The opening music and exposition and credits are disappointing. It's aimed at kids - not an action movie.
There's no fire dept, coastguard, etc - the ThunderBirds protect the entire world. The Cops only turn up after it's over.
The Evil Hood [Ben Kingsley - Ghandi ] arranges to get Mr Tracey [Bill Paxton Terminator, Aliens ], Brains [Anthony Edwards - Revenge of the Nerds, Top Gun] and the other grown-ups out of the way. The only thing that stands between Hood controlling the ThunderBirds is ... a trio of annoying children!
Parker is great, but Lady Penelope [ Sophia Myles ] is at least 10 yrs too young. And since when did anyone on the show have psychic powers? Where did Brain's son come from? Or Hood's henchmen? What is the Bank of London [must be tiny if there's only one branch]? And why mention Mrs Tracey? There's waaay too much backstory here.
Time at the Top
This is a movie from 1998.
Elisha Cuthbert time travels to 1881 - where the tale descends into teen melodrama.
Timothy Busfield [West Wing] has a supporting role.
The Bride
Made in 1985, this big-budget effort killed everyone's career!
It's melodramatic crap.
Frankenstein [Sting - Dune ] builds a Bride [ Jennifer Beals ] for The Monster. She rejects The Monster, who teams up with David Rappaport [ Time Bandits ].
The Bride [Eva is feminine for Eve?] and Sting have a Pygmalion relationship. But they have a Psychic link with the monster [Victor?], who's in a Budapest circus run by Ringmaster Alexi Sayle [ Dr Who ].
Familiar faces include Clancy Brown, Quentin Crisp, Tim Spall.
Futureworld
18 mths after
Westworld
, the resort is reopened with 2 extra sections [inc Futureworld - set on spaceship].
2 reporters [Peter Fonda and
Blythe Danner
] visit it.
They uncover a Conspiracy that owes more to Stepford Wives .
This led to a TV show.
Hypercube: Cube 2
This is a remake as much as a sequel to the original
Cube
. It has a Bigger budget [no stars, just SPFX].
A bunch of people, including Kari Matchett and Seymour from La Femme Nikita are trapped in time-dilating super-maze with fancy CGI traps.
The Last Great Warrior AKA Squanto: A Warrior's Tale
1600, England.
A Native American escapes from a Lord [Michael Gambon - ] and befriends a monk [Mandy Patinkin - Princess Bride ].
Alien Love AKA Amanda and the Alien
An Alien monster eats and replaces humans. It has a
Star Man
relationship with Trekkie babe [
Nicole Eggert
], and is hunted by FBI men Michael Dorn [
Star trek: TNG
] and Stacey Keach.
We get to see a Teri Hatcher lookalike topless.
The Lion in Winter (2003)
This was made for TV in 2003, Produced Robert Halmi Snr and Jnr.
In 1183, Henri I [Patrick Stewart - Star trek: TNG ] and estranged wife Eleanor [ Glen Close ] fight over the succession.
This was based on a stage play. This explains the great dialogue and witty repartee, such as:
Henri - When pigs sprout wings
Eleanor - There'll be pork in the trees come morning!
Jonathan Rhys Myers [ Gormenghast is King Philip of France
The Swarm
African killer bees invade Texas, courtesy of
Irwin Allen
.
Scientist Michael Caine and General Richard Widmark try to save the day.
They head an all-star cast [Richard Chamberlain, Ali McGraw , etc] - shocking how many famous faces are in this utter B-Movie!
King Solomon's Mines (2002)
This is a Hallmark TV Drama consisting of 2-hour eps.
Quartermain [Patrick Swayze - Donnie Darko ] is strangely naive. He's hired by Alison Doody to take her to her father, who's found the Mines.
Quartermain's party is being tracked by Russians, who want to seize the Mines for the Czar!
The Ring
This is a totally gratuitous Hollywood remake of the excellent Jap horror,
Ringu
.
Naomi Watts is the protagonist, investigating the mysterious Death Tape of the girl, Samarra. Brian Cox [ Manhunter ] is Samarra's father, according to her birth certificate ...
Scream 3 writer Ehren Kruger added a couple of scenes thatre very effective. The first is when Watts looks out her window and sees that every neighbour has a TV in their apartment. Second is the TV in Samarra's cell - it was both her companion and mirror!
The Wraith
This is from 1985, before Charlie Sheen [
Hot Shots
] became famous.
His character is murdered by hot-rodders,
then returns as a ghost with superpowers [and a Franchi Spas pump-action shotgun with infinite ammo]!
Sherilyn Fenn is the villain's GF [creating a love triangle], and goes topless. Randy Quaid [ Independance Day ] is the local Sheriff.
Most Fertile Man in Ireland
Kris Marshall [Dr Zhivago]
is an English Actor playing an Irish Catholic Virgin in Belfast, 1999
[it's set in y2k].
His Mum is Olivia Nash, and the local bartender is Uncle Andy.
The protgonist discovers he has super-sperm [ Toyah Wilcox is the Doc], so he inseminates women. This dubious Hero whores himself inside the Albert clock - Belfast irony, since it was once the place where female streetwalkers plied their trade.
This is the stereotypical Belfast, where every house has political flags and a photo of the Pope or the Queen. James Nesbit is a Loyalist thug [for humorous effect]
Irish actresses Bronagh Gallagher [ Phantom Menace ] and Pauline McGlynne [Father Ted] also have supporting roles.
Prince Charming
This was filmed in y2k, for the Hallmark channel.
An English prince is a frog in NYC Central Park. Christina Applegate [who had a similar role in Just Visiting ] is a local resident.
Martin Short [ Merlin ] is a Magical helper, Billy Connolly [ Lemony Snickett ] is a theatre director.
The film is Shakespearian, let down by dodgy CGI.
Sky Pirates
This is an Australian film from 1985.
In August 1945, the hero [a RAAF Flight Lieutenant, their best pilot] takes secret cargo to Bora Bora.
Because of their Villainous boss, the hero and a babe go on a quest. They must retrieve a Mystical Artefact [like Indiana Jones].
This is lo-budget, and rips off Raiders of Lost Ark and Dirty Harry.
Simply Irresistable
Sarah Michelle Gellar
is a chef with a magic crab! Sean Patrick Flannery [
Young Indy Chronicles
] is a yuppie restuaranteur.
The Crab makes her food taste magically good.
Even as rom-coms go, this is Ultra lightweight fluff!
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