"Doctor Who and the Veg
etable Men"
To pen the second of the three stories making up the 1985 "Judgement of Dr Who" season, producer Gerry Jules-Turnbull turned to husband and wife writing team Alfie and Felicity Fishcake. The Fishcakes had penned the previous years tale "Doctor Who and the Evil of the RaRa" and were renowned for the colourful and
nonsensical nature of their scripts. So although the opening story of the season had raised many questions, rather than waste valuable time resolving them, the Fishcake's instead turned in a more traditional story where Doctor Who gets to run from monsters and be locked up a lot.
Continuing on from the previous tale, Doctor Who (William Hartnell) now has the chance to outwit the Barrister (Jeanette Krankie) by presenting a story from his future, to prove that such adventures will be a bit more exciting than the old cobblers seen by the court so far...
Part 1
Doctor Who was still visibly angry at the dramatic events he had just witnessed.
"Surely you can't deny that you were seen to kill poor Peccy in cold blood?" accused the Barrister.
"I deny nothing sir!" stormed Doctor Who. "Only that the rascal who did it wasn't me! I persist that the tape of evidence has been changed my lady!"
"It's time for your evidence Doctor Who." the Judge said sternly. "What have you got for us matey?"
"Well my lady." began the Doctor. "I present a tale from my future, and a strange gad about some spaceship. This will prove that I am certainly innocent of any future crimes."
"But if you lose this trial and we kill you, won't that invalidate the whole adventure?" asked the Judge.
"Quiet you." said Doctor Who. And the adventure began to unfold on the screen...
The setting is the luxury cargo and part time laundry spaceship Radion 3. In one of its many cramped cargo holds, space seemed to be shifting and changing. Suddenly, Doctor Who's TARDIS faded out of the time vortex and appeared. The
good Doctor, wearing a fetching green cravat and a huge mexican cowboy hat, and his assistant Binny Langworth (who had stowed away when the ship made a recent visit to the Royal Variety Performance) stepped out.
"It's good job we answered that mayday call." noted Binny Langworth, her big mass of ginger hair bobbing in Doctor Who's face. "All the message said was that the ship was being over-run with vicious killers and everyone aboard was being hunted like dogs and then
savagely murdered."
But Doctor Who's expression was grave.
"Don't you sense it child?" he uttered, his brow furrowed. "There's something evil here, and it's going to be my job to root it out!"
Suddenly guards with big guns surrounded Doctor Who and Binny Langworth.
In the big control room of the Radion 3 was a stern man in a comedy 'kiss me
quick' hat. As Doctor Who and Binny Langworth were led in, Doctor Who beamed in recognition.
"Captain 'Tinker' Tailor!" said Doctor Who. "This is Binny Langworth, my latest assistant."
"The last time Doctor Who and I met I was caught up in a strange web of lies and sexual intrigue." the Captain told Binny Langworth. "Do you think you can find out who is creating these
vegetable men or whatever they are?"
"Well perhaps," ventured the Doctor, gripping his lapels. "But first, you can introduce us to your crew, then we might be getting somewhere young man!"
The Captain led Doctor Who and Binny Langworth into the passenger lounge, a cheap looking room with a few plastic chairs and a big dart board in it. On one side of the room sat two men in strange diving suits.
"Those are the alien Bogey Men from Bogey 6," the Captain whispered. "They can't breath normal air and can only survive on dry coffee."
Binny Langworth began to wander off to pass the time and soon, unseen by Doctor Who and the Captain, she tumbled into a firey furnace.
"And this is Doctor Frisky." the Captain said, introducing the Doctor to an athletic young woman who seemed to be counting some seeds. "She's a doctor you know."
"Delighted to meet you young woman!" Doctor Who said, his eyes glinting at the prospect of meeting a fellow scientist. "And what particular type of science do you like most madam?"
"Well I specialise in agronomy, plantonomy and vegatableonomy." replied Doctor Frisky. "Although I also create strange new
life forms as a hobby. Delighted to meet you Doctor Who."
"And the same to you young woman and lots of it." said the Doctor. "Now where has that Binny Langworth got to eh?"
"Doctor Who!" said the Captain suddenly. "Look!"
They all followed to where he was pointing - a big ginger stage wig was vanishing into the furnace at the end of the room.
"Someone's fallen into the furnace we use to keep the room warm." said Doctor Frisky. "And by the look of it, someone with a ginger wig."
Doctor Who was grave.
"It's Binny Langworth!" he said. "Gentlemen, there is a murderer on this ship!"
"We know that already, that's why you're here." pointed out the Captain.
