"Doctor Who and the Return of the Hairy Bastard"

Part 1

In the furthest corner of the galaxy, hanging like a giant turd in space, was the planet Peladon. And deep within its darkest and smelliest caverns, a strange groaning heralded the arrival of TARDIS, captained by a certain Dr Who. Only this time, the mad old Time Lord was returning to the scene of one of his previous adventures to visit some old friends...

"It's another tunnel!" complained Sindy Sue Jones, Dr Who's latest sexy travelling companion. After leaving Jenny at the bottom of a coal mine after a recent skirmish with some mutated giant dung beetles, Dr Who had embarked upon a mystery involving an alien potato farmer and his scheme to pervert the course of potato farming history. It was during this escapade that Sindy Sue had stowed away aboard TARDIS. Only Sindy Sue was not like all Dr Who's other lady assistants, who tripped up and screamed a lot. She was into "women's lib" and insisted on telling Dr Who how great girls were as she tripped up and screamed.
"This my dear Sindy Sue, is the planet of Peladon!" Dr Who corrected her. He smiled and recalled his previous adventure for fifteen minutes. When he was finished, he realised that Sindy Sue had run off and got herself in some bother.
"Will that girl never do as she's told!" Dr Who scolded, before striding after her.

Sindy Sue had been arrested by the palace guards for wearing leather trousers and being generally too un-girly.
"You must face the judgement of Queen Thora!" commanded the guard, leading her away. Dr Who rubbed his chin thoughtfully from his hiding place nearby.
"Queen?" he muttered to himself. "That can't be right! Unless..."
Dr Who's eyes twinkled. And once again he realised he had stumbled into a mystery!

"What can I do Aural B?" Queen Thora asked her adviser, a big man with a bushy beard. "I'm just a helpless girl, expected to run this planet by myself! I need a man to guide me!"
"Your majesty has my council." replied Aural B. But then a troop of guards entered the room, pushing in Sindy Sue before the Queen.
"Sacriledge!" boomed Aural B. "She has defied the ancient will of the Hairy Bastard with her trousers and short hair! There is only one punishment!"
"But not soon enough though!" yelled Dr Who, flying through the air and landing in front of the Queen. "I am Dr Who! And I'll stop this tom-foolery if it takes me all day!"
"Dr Who!" Sindy Sue cried in relief. "Ooh I could murder a cup of tea!"
"Quiet there." said Dr Who.

"This cannot be the famous 'Dr Who' of our legends," said the Queen. "He was a great friend to my Father King Jeff, but that was fifty years ago! If this really were Dr Who, he'd be all stinking of wee and incontinent by now."
"It is I!" boomed Who proudly.
Sindy Sue sighed - Dr Who had landed them up fifty years in the future! Aural B scoffed mockingly.
"My Queen, he must be sentenced to Death for Lying!" he said grandly.

"But wait!" the Dr interrupted. "Is there a Big Testicle here by any chance?"
There were puzzled glances aplenty, but sure enough a big Testicle galloped into the throne room at that very moment - the delegate Testicle from Dr Who's first visit!
"I knew those creatures lived for ages!" the Dr whispered to Sindy-Sue. "The Testicle will tell you I am indeed the Great Dr Who!"

Soon, the misunderstanding had been sorted out and the Dr and Sindy-Sue were made honarary members of the court and given their own parking space. But, Dr Who heard, things had not gone smoothly on Peladon since it had joined the Council of Planets.
"The miners refuse to work." the Queen explained, as Who listened eagerly. "And with me being only a girl and all, we're in a bit of a shenanigans."
"I think its time you brought a bit of that 'women are great' stuff of yours to the planet of Peladon." Dr Who whispered to Sindy Sue. Glad to be able to do something to help at last, Sindy Sue stepped up boldly.

"There's nothing 'only' about the being a flapping girl!" she cried. "Even we can help in a crisis sometimes. We may just be rubbish ornaments, and not half as clever as Dr Who and some of his evil men foes like the Cybermen or the Time Fiddler, but we have our uses too! It was me who poured boiling coffee on the Trickster when he tried to suffocate the planet Earth with a giant plastic bag, and it was me who held Dr Who's screwdriver when he battled the pan-dimensional Blobby Beast of the Woofter Galaxy. So you see, you just have to believe in yourself!"

With that, Sindy-Sue ripped off her bra and set light to it on the steps of the throne (Dr Who helped her light the match). The court was in uproar, cheering and wolf-whistling at the now topless Sindy Sue. All except Aural B, who simply muttered into the shadows.
"The curse of the Hairy Bastard will return to destroy you all!" he said cryptically, before vanishing in a cloud of green smoke.
"There's something funny about that fellow..." Dr Who murmered. "I've a feeling this mystery isn't quite as simple as we first thought it appeared to have appeared..."

Part 2