"Doctor Who - Interminable"
For the twentieth anniversary season of Doctor Who in 1983, producer Jerry Jules-Turnbull and script editor Dougy Wayward decided that every episode of the year should contain an element from Doctor Who's past, in order to please the demands of pie-eating aficionado Ian "Cakes" Ravine and to alienate any remaining casual viewers that the show might have left. Unfortunately, for the fourth story, 'Doctor Who and Interminable', they couldn't think of one, so drafted in amateur sci-fi buff Noel Gallagher (pen name Jan Bifecker) to write a story, on the proviso that only three sets be used, and props be restricted to those left over from a recent edition of 'Play School' - namely three rubber suits, a pink feather boa and a big Pantomime Dog costume.
Part 1
Aboard TARDIS, Doctor Who's two pretty female assistants, Terri and June, are in June's room playing with a chemistry set in their underwear. June was
from the Eden like planet of Bracken, where everyone lived in a big orchard and peace and harmony had reigned forever - or at least until Doctor Who had turned up and the whole planet had been destroyed in order that he beat his arch foe The Trickster (who had been hiding for ten years in a statue as part of a cunning plan to kill his nemesis).
Suddenly, the lights began to dim in an alarming manner, which meant that either Doctor Who was using his electric pube curlers again or that there was a power drain and the whole Universe was about to be destroyed.
"I'd better go and see what Doctor Who is up to." Terri informed her scantily clad friend, who was too busy happily synthesizing enzymes to
even notice.
In the main Control room of TARDIS which, lest the viewers forget, was much bigger inside than out, Terri found Doctor Who's latest companion Hurlo, who was smashing up the console in a non-suspicious manner.
Doctor Who had welcomed Hurlo aboard his ship after his last adventure, during
which he discovered him to be a murdering rock-throwing agent of Satan who had entered into a pact to kill him. Hurlo was standing uneasily and fondling a freshly removed Space Time Circuit from TARDIS, without which the ship would either explode or eject it's inhabitants onto a ship full of plague victims.
"What are you doing?" Terri asked suspiciously.
"Nothing." explained Hurlo, as Doctor Who ambled into the room, his long white hair billowing around his shoulders.
"What's going on here then?" Doctor Who asked, eyeing up Terri.
"June's trapped in her room and the outside Universe is breaking through." explained Terri.
"Well child, let's see if we can use the scanner to spy on her." Doctor Who blustered, pressing a
red switch. In an instant, the scanner screen on the wall hummed into life to show a view of June's
bathroom, tuning in to one of Doctor Who's strategically placed webcams with pinpoint precision.
"Help me!" June screamed, as a door with a menacing skull and crossbones and a big sign saying "Warning! Plague Ship!"
on it appeared before her.
"Go through!" commanded Doctor Who. "You'll be safe there. We'll get you later."
"Will she be alright?" asked Hurlo, who was relieved to see that Doctor Who had
completely forgotten all about the imminent destruction of the ship due to the missing Space Time Circuit.
"What? Oh yes, young man. It's not like the ship behind that door is about to destroy the Universe or anything is it?"
Sharon and Dominic explored the strange, eerie grey ship. Sharon tried her communicator but there was nothing but strange static and bursts of Jazz FM.
"It must be all the radiation." she muttered, taking off her space helmet, which was twice the size of her head to accommodate her frizzy space hair, and which she used to keep goldfish in when she was
off-duty. Her companion Dominic did the same, revealing lashings of eye-shadow. He was an unwilling space pilot, having initially trained to be a hairdresser.
"The ship's leaving!" he yelled, hearing the screeching of brakes, firing of engines and a friendly 'parp parp' of
a comedy horn from outside.
"Why should they leave?" Sharon said in wonder. "Why just dump us here, on an irradiated ship full of lepers and say nothing? It doesn't make sense!"
"Doesn't it young woman!" stormed a voice behind her suddenly. "I should say that it's exactly the way it happened! Now then I suggest you take us to the pilot, don't you? Hmmm?"
Sharon spun round to see the bendy legged figure of Doctor Who, naked but for a big cowboy hat and a pair of luminous pink cycling clips.
