"Doctor Who and the Curse of Peladon"

Our first adventure comes from 1972 when, in our Universe, the flamboyant Jon Pertwee was playing Dr Who in the deadly serious and scary "Curse of Peladon". But let's now step into the sinister and mysterious Universe of Doctor Who: 1a. Hartnell is still playing the Doctor, with the delightful young actress Shanice Shoe drafted in to play his companion Jenny. The scripts have been made more "playful" to match Hartnell's ever ailing performances and the budget has gone out the window thanks to the clause in Hartnell's contract that gives him an extra ten guineas every season forever. So Roger Delgado was never cast because they couldn't afford him, leaving elderly British actress Thora Hird to take on the mantle of the Time Lord's nemesis, the Trickster...

Jenny thought she was off on a night out on the town with Mike Skates. That is, until Dr Who informs her the Captain is gay and whisks her off in his newly repaired Time Ship TARDIS instead. The duo land in some cheap caves, and discover there is a serpent in this strange, unparadise like paradise...

Part 1

Far away, in a dank lonely corner of space, sat a stormy, hostile planet. And on that planet, high up on a mountainside, was a grand palace. And inside that palace, the stone walls were cold and unfriendly, but a rather heated argument was ensuing.

King Jeff, of the planet Peladon, stood up and commanded authority. Around him delegates of the Four Planets became silent and listened. There was the odd-looking delegate from the planet Alpha Romao, a huge green testicle in a skirt; the striking warrior delegate from the planet Jupiter and his servant Nig. And finally the shitty looking delegate from the planet Arkitraz, who simply resembled a huge budgetry-challenged rubiks cube on legs.
"My friends, we must not quarrel!" insisted King Jeff. "We are here to discuss the future of my planet, not to argue over who is the best dressed!"
"Well it's certainly not you." said Arkitraz, her colours spinning as she spoke. "A man in a dress! I'm not sure if we want such a weedy planet in our council!"
King Jeff blushed, before shaking away his embarrassment. From childhood he had been brought up to wear flowery dresses and big hats, such was the custom of his planet. His speech writer, a large man in a purple cloak called Don, boomed his dissaproval.
"My King, the Council of Planets clearly wants to destroy the history and traditional things of our world. Will you let them?"
"Our planet must join the Council!" argued back the King. "It is the only way forward!"
"Then," replied Don. "Let the ancient curse of the Big Hairy Bastard destroy us all!"
It was clear that wasn't going to be any old Doctor Who adventure. It was going to be a boring one with a message.

Not far away, deep within the catacombs of Peladon, a ghastly roar echoed round the unfriendly tunnels. But it was quickly drowned out by another sound - the grinding, rumbling of distant engines. In a small clearing, a battered London Police Box suddenly appeared from nowhere, it's light conveniently just out of camera shot.

But this was no ordinary police box - it was a special Space machine belonging to one Dr Who, a white haired old time traveller with an open face and bandy legs. Dr Who claimed to have built the time machine to look like a police box for a laugh, but its "cloaking" circuit had jammed on holiday in Maricious, sticking the machine in its current form. The TARDIS was also capable of crossing the barriers of time, the aim being to save on Dr Who's bus fares, but old Who could never tell where his strange ship would land him up next.

"It looks like another gloomy old cave!" moaned Jenny, Dr Who's current assistant, as she peered out of TARDIS. Jenny, a hapless young girl, had begged her rich uncle to let her work with soldiers, and shortly afterwards had been introduced to Dr Who by Brigadier Bentbridge-Steward.

"Nonsense child!" retorted Dr Who. "The instruments tell me we're on the ancient world of Peladon, which is at this present time attempting to join the Council of Planets, of which I am a life-long member!"
He gripped his lapels and marched forward, Jenny inching carefully after him. Suddenly a fearsome roar reverberated around them.
"What was that?" cried Jenny in fright. Dr Who's lips tightened and he looked serious.
"That my dear was the ancient curse of the Big Hairy Bastard! Come back to destroy us all!"
"Really?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, I think so." Dr Who replied.

In the throne room, negotiations were getting nowhere fast. The Grand Lord of Jupiter tried to intervene as Arkitraz and Testicle quarrelled.
"How can we decide whether or not to let Peladon join the Council, when we are incomplete?" he said.
"You mean the delegate from the planet Earth is not here yet?" Testicle squeaked. "This is most serious!"
At that moment there was a clattering and a smash from outside as someone knocked over a priceless relic. The doors to the throne room burst open and Dr Who marched in, followed by Jenny.
"I am that delegate!" he announced. "And this is Princess Jenny, my private masseur."
"Doctor!" Jenny hissed, elbowing the old man in the ribs.
"Sshh child!" he hissed back. "We need some convincing cover story!"
"At last!" burbled Arkitraz, her coloured body once again spinning in time with the weasly words. "Now discussions can begin!"
But at that moment, a huge gargoyle fell from the ceiling and crushed her to death. As the dust settled, all the remaining delegates began to talk at once.

"Is this the welcome this planet provides?" hissed Lord Jupiter, swishing his cape in anger.
"Our lives are in danger!" squeaked Testicle in alarm. But the booming voice of Don was louder than them all. He pointed at the crushed statue and shook with rage.
"It is the Curse of the Big Hairy Bastard!" he boomed. "This is punishment for abandoning the Old Ways! It is the start of the end!"
There was a long silence.
"Or maybe not!" said Dr Who, fixing Don with a suspicious stare. "How can your legendary Hairy thing move a statue eh? Tell me that! Tell me how! Eh?"
"What?" said Don.
"No, it's far more than some rampaging old goat." the Dr continued, rubbing his chin. "Someone wants us all dead. And it's up to me and Jenny to find out who it is!"


Part 2