Nicola Bryant's Hamburgers

  This week we are helped on our quest by special guests Eurovision Winner (well he beat Gina G) P-Bal and the gorgeous pouting Jimmy MacJimmy Jayster. And our chosen dishes for this edition are Nicola Bryant's Hamburgers and, courtesy of the now sadly-dead George Baker, Decider's Dessert, which the book promises is "a delicious, light summer dessert to impress your friends with"

    Key Ingredients: beef, onions, breadcrumbs, herbs

  Entering into the great American spirit, we neglected to simply buy some beef burgers and cook them in ten minutes, instead spending twelve pounds on Nicola's raw ingredients in order to make our own. First, we chopped the onion and, due the incompetence of the staff at Harlow Tesco, made our own breadcrumbs.

Next, we called upon Jimmy to mix the burger meat with the onions, breadcrumbs and other bits and pieces

"The addition of a raw egg will help bind the mixture together," advised I, letting love the lead the way.

Finally, as shown by our glamorous model here, the resulting mixture was moulded into burgers and prepared for cooking. Alas cries of "the silly witch has over compensated on the meat!" in the supermarket came back to haunt us as the extra packet of mince we'd bought proved to make the burgers a delicious recipe for obesity. It was lucky that we had that light summer pudding planned for afters!

The burgers are grilled to perfection. Opening up the oven revealed a delicious and nutritious sight. Mmmm!

Below, with the addition of a light salad and dressing, is the finished beast. Look at those lovely baps! The meal is shown here with a choice of beverages - some may like to sup a half-pint of milk with the delicacy, whilst others might want to take the taste away with a bottle of Tesco Finest Brandy.

George Baker's Deciders Dessert

Key Ingredients: whipped cream, macaroons, sugar, lemon juice, brandy

First, half a pint of double whipped cream is spooned into a bowl. But just in case this is too healthy, dear George Baker (who died of obesity related ailments) tells us to add MORE SUGAR. Hurrah!

Next, the biscuits have to be crushed and added to the mix. A month ago, P-Bal went walkin' in traffic and spun over the bonnet of a car - yet, despite fears he'd gone mad, he claimed to be unaffected. So here he is, talking to a macaroon.

In goes everything together, and even before it's been properly battered into shape, it manages to look stunningly delicious and not a bit like vom.

This dessert is spooned into wine glasses for serving. If not taken as part of a calorie controlled diet, sprinkles of chocolate and dripping may be added, but we opted not to.

The Verdict!

Bryant's Baps went down a storm - and were amazingly more tasty than similar items of food purchased at Liverpool Street Burger King the previous evening. Alas, not so the creamy "light summer dessert". Dame P-Bal commented: "I can still feel it in my throat".

Health Factor: Just say no kids!

Join us next time when we savour more mouth-watering treats from the Sumo Wrestlers Cook Book of choice!

Yum! An orderly queue is formed behind the bin as the wretched Decider's stodgy Pudding of Death is consigned to hell!