Key Ingredients: A turnip, a carrott, two potatoes, beef stock, bread for the Dalek 'croutons'

Today we are planning an ambitious double bill on HaRpi How To Cook - not only are we making a nutritous Patrick Troughton Soup for starters (that's not to imply it's actually made from the ground bones of the now-deceased Doctor Who star, nor that it's in any way 'flavoured' like Patrick) but we're following it up with Mena's Tacheyonic Sauce for a main course!

But first the soup. It's basically just a load of vegetables. How could we go wrong?



Well, firstly by trusting the ape-like staff in Tesco. You'll notice, dear reader, that the one thing missing in this predominantly turnip-based starter is a turnip. That most basic of vegetables that nevertheless could not be found anywhere in our local "superstore". Mr Hunt tracked down a nearby roaming non-twink in Tesco colours.

"I dunno." said he. That was it.

"Well is there any chance you could find someone who knows?" I pressed. He ambled off and returned some time later.

"Did you find someone who knew where the turnips were?" he asked. Hang on. I didn't realise that the ownes was on ME, the lost customer, to interview the staff of the shop to find one with more mental agility than an orange.

"I couldn't find anyone." smiled the simpleton.

"Well that's me stuffed then." I said, having already spent twenty minutes collecting all the other ingrediants. In the end, Dame P-Bal appeared as if by magic, and suggested using a swede instead.



Back home, preparing the soup would be simple. P-Bal has been assigned this mission, as Mr Hunt has yet to glam up for the camera. How would he cope?



The first task was to perform a Caroline John impression. "A rubbish tip? Mhahahahaha" cackled Bal, as he chopped the tatties.



Once the onions, carrotts, potatoes and swede had all been chopped (we decided to dice on common sense; the ruddy book suggested "slicing thinly", and we've no idea how that would work in a soup!) they were cooked over a low heat to soften.



Next, the beef stock was prepared, while a slutty picture of England Captain David Beckham, at that very moment toiling away on the bench because he'd slightly hurt his ankle, acts as ideal wank bank material.



Dame Rachel Stevens pops in to stir the stock into the vegetables.



Now, Patrick Troughton suggests, the stew is left to simmer for an hour while a lost and unloved album lingers in the background. And this is where things start to go wrong.

The trouble is, dear reader, that  goes on for more  than expected because England can't beat a third rate side like Portugal or indeed hit the ball at a goal defended by only one man despite three attempts, and the  don't delay as we expect them to. So the soup has TWO DAMN HOURS to fester.



By the time Dr Who has reached it's pant-wettingly exciting conclusion, the soup is a deathly sludge.

A twink arrives to survey the damage done by P-Bal. Damage limitation is exercised. The croutons and Mena's sauce thing are scrapped, and instead HaRpi decide to turn the soup into a nourishing but horrible-tasting boiled vegetable soup. No, definately not the sort of cake you would eat!

The Verdict!

"They'd have been grateful in wartime." suggests Mr Hunt, but Dame Rayner isn't impressed. He leaves his and orders a pizza. P-Bal gobbles it down, as he is want to do.

So a near disaster then, just like the England team! Feasting on Patrick Troughton's soup was no joy. Adrienne Corrie has been saved for another day, so join us again when we make that.