Its Monday evening and I’ve just got off the phone to my mum who, as every conscientious parent should, asked me about the canoe club trip to the Barle I’d just been on.

Here’s how the conversation went (with a few explications in parenthesis !)

Mum – How was the trip then ? Thanks for the message letting me know you got back safely.
Me – Really good thanks, still a bit tired today though (too tired to get up for my 9 o’clock this morning)
Mum – Were there a few late nights then ?
Me – Well, they wasn’t too early. (basically the first night we arrived in the minibus later than everyone else and then set about catching up on the alcohol deficit. The bunk house was owned by the church and the influence was obvious in the decor. The usual drinking games involving cards or counting have long been replaced in this club by a number of games involving table wrestling, bakedbean cans and cereal boxes. These kept us entertained until the early hours along with the recent addition of THE JUG OF DOOM (see Usk trip report) and semi-musical, harmony crushing renditions of club songs.
Mum – Surely you can’t drink too much if you have to paddle the next day and I hope you don’t drive home after staying up all night the night before.
Me – No. (Of course I don’t stay up late before driving anywhere. It is a stupid and dangerous thing to do. However, I do have a secret weapon if ever this situation occurs - a can of whoopass.)
Mum – Good.
Me – The first day the water levels were too high to paddle the Barle so we eventually decided to paddle a (very) short section of the Exe to teach the beginners how to ferry glide, break-in and out and also, for those of us who have a bit more experience, how to use a throw line. (I learnt that you should always hold on to the end of the rope when you throw the bag !!!) Some people decided to go to the sea for some surfing instead of doing the Exe section and I heard that they experienced hail stones the size of golf balls (almost the size of my testicals.)
Mum – So it was a good day then ?
Me – A bit frustrating because we couldn’t do the river properly but good practice. Of course England lost to South Africa in the rugby which made me depressed but I got over it pretty quickly. (Through the help of alcohol, more singing in the local pub and home-made chocolate cake courtesy of Jimmy the scot. I also managed to get a glimpse of Marco’s cock when Dave de-kegged him but unfortunately the camera didn’t take the photo quickly enough. I saw a beaver though !)
Mum – Oh dear, never mind. I’m sure you got over it the second day.
Me – Yeah, that was really good but tiring and the skills learnt on Saturday really helped. After a fry-up we all pilled into the mini-bus and cars and drove to the get-in for the Barle. We paddled right back down to the bunk-barn in groups of 4 or 5 which sometimes turned into groups of 3 or 4!
Mum – WHAT ?!!!
Me – Don’t worry, we didn’t loose anyone in the gravestone sense of the word, its just that some people managed to loose paddles or boats or just didn’t want to paddle on a Sunday and decided to get out half way down (Andy – I’d hoped for better from you but didn’t really expect to get it !) some of the groups got down without too many problems but my group and the group behind us had a few interesting moments. After less than 3 minutes on the water three of my group decided they had had enough of being in the boat and decided that they would try and get down the first set of rapids through the ancient art of swimming! After lots of faff we managed to get two boats and three sets of paddles back which left poor Dave with a bit of a walk. The trip down was punctuated with small incidents like this and ended up with a running of the wier and last set of rapids as the sun was going down. (That might sound romantic but it wasn’t! Only me and Gareth ran the wier and I almost f***ed it up by running into a tree. The others walked around it and back to the mini-bus but Gareth, Debs and I paddled the last set of rapids in shadows of darkness akin to Mordor. Gareth’s words were ‘lets get this done quickly’ and we did! It was mint but not something I’d like to do in anything over grade 2.)
Mum – But everyone got back safely?
Me – Yeah, thanks to Lee driving round to collect the walking flock.
Mum – That sounds nice of him he must be a nice guy
Me – Yeah, it was nice of him (The Ginger Tosser!)
Mum – And you got back safely then ?
Me – Just a mini-bus ride back home after some pub grub and then listened to us loose to the aussies in the ashes.
Mum – I know, I was really dissapointed. Cricket’s such a great game isn’t it? I think more people should enjoy it and not dismiss is in such an off hand way.
Me – I share your sentiments exactly.
Mum – And how’s your work going? You seem to be spending a lot of time playing sport and socialising.
Me – Sorry, mum, battery’s about to die. I’ll speak to you soon. Love to all at home, bye. (S***, what have I got to read before tomorrow? ‘The Past and the Present in the Present’ what sort of a billy b******s title is that? Oh well. Back to the grind stone – bring on the next trip.)