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Why did you come to this page? Do you really expect us to try and flog you bits of tawdry paraphernalia, the only purpose of which is to cater for the suspect impulses of product identification engendered by the malaise of alienated mind-fuck endemic to capitalist consumerism?
For those who, despite all this, are still desperate for an unnecessary item of Lovely Brothers merchandise - and who are willing to actually pay us to become a walking advert - I have but one thing to say: DO IT YOURSELF.
For those who have had every last fibre of imagination stripped from them by the dehumanising processes of the market system, and are thus unable to do it themselves, here are a few ideas...
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Now that the behemoth of neo-liberal exploitation is becoming ever more beligerent, those wishing to make a symbolic act of defiance are finding it a costly exercise. This innovative design means you no longer have to fork out for a new 'stars and stripes' everytime America mounts an invasion. Having defaced the flag with a anti-imperialist slogan, you can later wipe it clean with a special detergent cloth - and replace it with a more topical one. This product is also fire-resistant; for those wanting to take it one step further (but don't want the inconvenience). |
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Key Fobs are entirely useless items produced only to promote brand-awareness. Why not subvert this nefarious marketing strategy by having a picture of David Harris on it instead? |
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Not everyone is lucky enough to live within the eden-esque environs of Shoreham-by-sea, but at least now they can enjoy an artificial 3-D substitute. By donning a sophisticated head-set with flashing lights, the user can explore a realistically-rendered digital duplicate of this suburban utopia. The simulation even provides a virtual sense of taste which enables cyber-tourists to sample the local cuisine as served by Posh Nosh and Grub 'n' Stuff. Other attractions include the public toilets on Beach Green, the ledge underneath Norfolk bridge, and the anchor behind Frost's garage. |
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This is a kebab beast. An ungodly product of warped genetic malpractise. Utilising the body-parts of lions, deers, tawny owls and wallabies, some deranged biochemist has fucked about with the DNA of a Doner in order to create a monstrosity more horrific than any of Mary Shelley's opium-addled nightmares; a living kebab. Despite their appearance they are relatively docile creatures and would make a great pet. Get one now before the Turkish government capture them all for breeding purposes. |
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Same as your average mod anorak in every detail except one: upon the breast where it should say, "THE WHO", it says instead, "ARROGANT KNOB". |
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To prove your devotion to the band why not manufacture your own brand of cheap cider and bring it along to gigs. You could even set up a stall by the side of the stage. Even if nobody in the audience wants to buy it, there'll certainly be at least one member of the band willing to help you drink it afterwards. |
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One step up from the i-pod, this minute electronic device is designed to be inserted underneath the cranium, via the anus. Once in place it emits 'Fluffy Bicycle' directly to the wearer's brain via sonar waves. It also has an unlimited power source so that the experience is perpetual. |
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Remind yourself of Scolar's face whilst you do woodwork. The rotary sander can alternatively be used to erode the nipples of TV celebrities. |
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Celebrate your one achievement at university. |
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Unleash your loathing on a latex model of Dale Winton's head. Authentically bewitched by a South-American hag, you can rest assured that this is not just a crappy stress-reliever. Relish in the thought that every stab-wound, every fag-burn, and every marmite-lanced incision, will be felt by the man himself. (Implements not included). |