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April 2003

Started working part time,can't manage a full day anymore.It's much better only working half a day,but can't help feeling a bit sad as it's another thing i've had to give up.

I seem to be getting weak quite quickly this month,especially my left arm and I have noticed my voice getting weaker.

Had a couple of bad falls,so I decided to get a wheelchair to use when we are out.

Been out in it a few times,was a bit strange at first but not as bad as I thought.

Feel sorry for Sharon though,having to push my great carcass round.

Continue to practice Raja yoga meditation, I usually have half hour every morning and it really does help to keep me thinking positively.

The uncontrollable bouts of laughing and crying are getting quite bad,will have to mention it to the doctor when I go to the hospital next month.

I have finally given up smoking this month,don't think there is any need to add to my problems. Besides which,I keep dropping the dam things and burning holes in the furniture.

May 2003

Decided to stop taking the diazepam the doctor had prescribed me to help me relax and sleep. The side effects started to out-weigh the benefits, my mood had changed drastically and I was rapidly becoming a zombie. I feel much better now I have started to come off them,even though I'm not sleeping so well.

Finally had the new kitchen fitted, just the decorating to be done. Will be glad to get straight again.

My arms and throat continue to weaken and walking is getting more difficult,I've had more falls. I feel I will have to make a decision soon about wether to finish work. I don't want to leave it too late,I want to be able to do things while I still can.

22nd May, Doctor signed me off sick for 4 weeks,don't think I will be going back.

It will be nice not to have to get up for work.Although if I had the choice I would much rather be well and able to work.

I am quite enjoying my early retirement so far and looking forward to our holiday in June.

JUNE,2003

The holiday didn't go too well,we didn't manage very well in the caravan so we came home early.Still,we managed to get a few days away.

Sharon has finished work to look after me,so been busy filling in forms for benefits,etc. and looks like I will be getting an electric wheelchair soon,which will make life a lot easier.

I have decided I want to live as long as I can with this thing,even if it means being on ventilation. I will not let this terrible disease beat me!

My time will come soon enough without giving up,I mean to truly live until I die.

I will leave you this month with a quote from The Wheel of Life,by Elisabeth Kubler Ross.

"When we have done all the work we were sent to earth to do,we are allowed to shed our body,which imprisons our soul like a cocoon encloses the future butterfly.

And when the time is right,we can let go of it and we will be free of pain,free of fears and worries--free as a very beautiful butterfly,returning home to God….

--from a letter to a child with cancer.