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The bacon tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close
to death
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden. ......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'. So, with renewed strength,
they struggle up the next sand dune.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree'.
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
forget'
'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'. And with that ....Luis
Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following
closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up and Luis
is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but.
true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying
breath. 'Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree'
'Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?
'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..
Ees...

Ees....

Ees.....

Ees......

Eees a Ham Bush!!!!

Dog and Cat Diaries

Excerpts from a Dogs Daily Diary.

8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am Walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cats Daily Diary.

Day 683 of my captivity : My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape... In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.......for now.

U.P.S (Airlines)......Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, U.P.S pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets, before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by U.P.S ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, U.P.S is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident .


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Don't go down to the woods today.

Two hunters are out in the woods, when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

How to power wash the toilet.

1. put both lids of the toilet up and add a cup of pet shampoo to the water bowl.

2. pick up the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3. in one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. you may need to stand on the lid.

4. the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. flush the toilet three or four times, this provides a power wash and rinse.

6. have someone open the front door of your home, be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. stand as far away from the toilet as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. the cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where it will dry off.

9. both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely
Dog

My apologies to any cat lovers, but I thought it was funny.
Rob.

Rob Goldfish Web Site