Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."

A social worker asks a colleague: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."

Q: What is the difference between God and a social worker?
A: God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.

Q: What's the difference between a social worker and a pit bull terrier?
A: At least you can get part of your baby back from the pit bull.

A middle aged man and his father visited an assisted living facility where the elder of the two was considering moving. They were seated in the waiting area.
The old man began leaning slowly to the right and a passing social worker nonchalantly reached over and propped the man up with an extra pillow from the couch. A short while later, the old man began leaning slowly to the left. The same thing happened with another social worker. In a minute the old man began to lean slowly forward and.... you guessed it... a social worker just happened by and propped him up. The son then commented that the place seemed nice and the people very helpful. The father agreed that the place was nice then added, "The folks here seem nice too, but they won't let me fart!"

A young woman and a young man, both of whom were recent MSW graduates, met at a meeting. They were instantly attracted to one another. Despite the fact that they were from opposite ends of the country, and had little in common, they began a passionate affair. They spent the rest of the conference enjoying each other's company and planning how to stay in touch following the meeting. For the first few weeks they corresponded several times per week by mail and enjoyed long weekend conversations on the phone. After a couple of months the young man noticed that the letters from his lover had become less frequent. She often was not at home weekends when he called. Despite his continued efforts to maintain the relationship, she quit writing altogether. He at last decided the relationship was over.
Two years later, he attended another meeting away from home and to his delight found the same young woman he had known earlier. They began their affair as though nothing had changed. After a few days he summoned the courage to ask why she had stopped writing and answering his phone calls.
Following a long silence she told him that following their first first meeting 2 years ago she had found she was pregnant. She told him they had a daughter who was just over 1 year old. In shock,the young man wondered why she had not told him earlier that she was to have a child. He told her he would have been glad to marry her. She told him that she had thought he would be willing to marry her, but after long conversations with her family it was decided that it was better to have a bastard in the family rather than another Social Worker! ! !

Q: Why do male social workers prefer briefs to boxers?
A: Their "boys" prefer a warm, supportive environment!

Q: What would be the difference in the responses between a nurse and a social worker who discovers an older person with incontinence and faeces all over them?
A: The nurses would say, "Let's get that faeces off you." The social worker would ask, "How does that feel to have faeces all over you?"

A social worker was telling a patient, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're all right. The bad news is that the things you're seeing are real."

Q: What's the difference between God and a Social Worker?
A: God is unapologetically judgmental.
A: God admits the Social Worker could be wrong.
A: God tells his clients that Social Workers do exist.
A: God will talk to a Republican.
A: God CAN be shocked.

Q: When is it OK for a Social Worker to be judgmental?
A: Only to criticize a Nurse for being judgmental.

Q: When is a Nurse perfectly competent to do Social Work?
A: When the Social Worker wants a day off.

Q: How come they bury Social Workers 300 feet in the ground?
A: Deep down they are really good people.

I am a child protection social worker. My co-workers and I have come up with ways to tell if someone is a client. You know you're a client if: you think it's okay for your six year old to babysit your 5,4,3, and 2 year old. You think a blanket taped to a window is a designer curtain. You name your roaches and call them friends. Your dog is up to date on its shots but your children aren't.

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

• If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

• If you are bipolar, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Happiness is a Psychiatric Disorder:
Happiness meets all reasonable criteria for a psychiatric disorder. It is statistically abnormal, consists of a discrete cluster of symptoms, there is at least some evidence that it reflects the abnormal functioning of the central nervous system, and it is associated with various cognitive abnormalities - in particular, a lack of contact with reality. Acceptance of these arguments leads to the obvious conclusion that happiness should be included in future taxonomies of mental illness, probably as a form of affective [mood] disorder. This would place it on Axis I of the American Psychiatric Association's "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual." With this prospect in mind, I humbly suggest that the ordinary language term "happiness" be replaced by the more formal description "Major affective disorder, pleasant type" in the interest of scientific precision and in the hope of reducing any possible diagnostic ambiguities.
Once the debilitating consequences of happiness become widely recognized it is likely that psychiatrists, social workers, and other mental health professionals will begin to devise treatments for the condition and we can expect the emergence of happiness clinics and anti-happiness medications in the not too distant future.
Richard P. Bentall, Journal of Medical Ethics, June 1992.

A man went to the social worker and told him he wanted help because he thought he was a dog. When the social worker asked him how long he had been thinking he was a dog, he replied, "Ever since I was a puppy."
The social worker said, "OK, lay down on the couch." The man said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

A Jesuit psychiatrist, a holistic therapist, and a clinical social worker were caught up in an political/social action demonstration in a hostile Caribbean island nation run by a dictator which was once a Colonial possession of France. The three were sentenced to death by the guillotine.
The Jesuit psychiatrist was chosen to be beheaded first. He asked that he lie face up so that he could look to the heavens and to God when he was beheaded. The executioner raised the blade as high as it went, then let it go. The blade stopped a few inches from his neck. The dictator's guards believed that this was an omen from God, and let the psychiatrist go free.
The holistic therapist asked that he be beheaded face down, so that he could see mother earth so he could see at his last breath the source of all of his healing remedies. The executioner raised the blade as high as it went, then let it go. The blade stopped a few inches from his neck. The dictator's guards believed that this was an omen from Mother Earth, and let the therapist go free.
When it came time for the clinical social worker to be beheaded, he said to the executioner, "I believe that I could help you with the problem of that dysfunctional blade - use a little oil, and don't pull the blade all the way to the top! I'm sure it would work better that way!"

Hear about the social work firing squad? They stood in a circle.

To see more social work jokes go to these sites:

Profession Jokes - social work.

Help to free the world from hunger - go to the UN Hunger Site and give a meal every day!

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