(creator: Suzette A Hill)

"I don't know why I entered the Church. It seemed, as they say, a good idea at the time. I am not the most vigorous of people and when I was demobbed I had been in a bit of a state." Although he has a modest income, he felt he ought to do something so drifted into the Church. It appealed to him because "I judged it an institution into which I might melt anonymously and yet derive from it a modicum of status requiring little effort to sustain".

But he gradually comes to realise "that the whole holy venture had been a mistake, a terrible self-induced sham. So what to do? Nothing very much ... With a bit of luck - and conceivably God's will - all should be well, all manner of things should be well ... What an interesting lady Mother Julian must have been! I think I might have enjoyed her company, which is more than I can say of many women."

"Joviality," he admits, "is not my strong suit , and "I am not particularly gregarious". He is in some ways, his dog Bouncer comments, as "daft as a brush". Bouncer, by the way, narrates part of the story - as does the well educated if supercilious cat, Maurice.

Oughterard, it has to be admitted, isn't really a detective - just a murderer. But he is such an entertaining character that I felt he just had to be included here!

Suzette A Hill (1941 - ) was 66 when she published her first book, A Load of Old Bones, at her own expense, printing just 500 copies that she found she had to work hard to sell. Previously she had received numerous rejections from both publishers and agents. But it was then bought by an audio book company (with the part of the cat being taken by Leslie Phillips), before being taken up by a commercial publisher. She was given a contract to write two further books, Bones in the Belfry and Bone Idle. Before this, she had read English at two universities, and taught English Literature for many years at Reading College in England, She retired to Ledbury in Herefordshire where "she lives convivially with neither cat, dog nor clergyman".

A Load of Old Bones (2005)
A Load of Old Bones has a very appropriate title. Set in an imaginary Surrey village in 1957, it tells how The Rev Francis Oughterard, hoping for a quiet and easy life, gets involved in a wild world of predatory females, officious policemen and a drunken bishop - although, admittedly, it is he who makes the bishop drunk. So it comes as no surprise that early on he decides to murder Mrs. Elizabeth Fotherington, the widow who has been pursuing him, "staring, simpering, nodding, mapping my every movement like some crazed cartographer". The blurb describes it as "accidental murder" but that is being over charitable. Part of the story is narrated by him, and other parts by his supercilious cat, Maurice, and his dim-witted bone-obsessed dog, Bouncer. Yes, it's that sort of book. But it's all written with verve and humour, and is great fun to read.

It gets off to a good start with "It was Bouncer who found the leg." As Maurice the cat explains, "Now, I know Bouncer is none too bright but even he has flashes of perspicacity, and it passed through his mind that where there was one leg there might be two." And so the body was uncovered. The author explains that when she wrote that opening sentence, even she had no idea whose leg it was. She does not plan ahead and sometimes has little idea what is going to happen next. She says she writes to find out.

To Bouncer, Maurice remains "such a supercilious bastard. Yes, he thinks I wouldn't know that word, but as a matter of fact I know quite a few long words and supercilious is only one of them." But he has to admit that "sometimes I am a bit slow at working things out".

Things get complicated when Oughterard discovers that Mrs. Fotherington has left him a large sum of money in her wii, and her aggrieved daughter, Violet Pond, arrives to explain to him that "clearly she had confused £25,000 with £250." Oughterard comments that "Alhough Elizabeth was a feather-brain, to give her her due she had not been a cretin. Even she would surely have distinguished £25,000 from £250." But he does not want to appear to have any motives for wishing her dead, so has to be very careful what he does.

The narrative is full of jokes, some of them more outrageous than others, as when Oughterard chases after Savage, a blind piano tuner. "I caught up with Savage and in my agitation clutched him by the shoulder. He whirled around. "Christ!" he exclaimed.
"No,no," I cried. "It's me, the vicar,"
Or there's the local flasher, who rejoiced in the name of Robert Willy. According to the local newspaper, he was found dead in a ditch: "He had obviously been drinking heavily, police reported, and his trousers were in their usual state of disarray. The young constable first called to view the body said that for a dead man he had looked quite cheerful."

Quite cheerful is what you too may feel, after reading this book. Recommended.

Bones in the Belfry (2008)
Bones in the Belfry is set in 1958, and carries on from where the previous book left off. It is very similar in style and content. The Rev Francis Oughterard (vicar of St Botolph's, Molehill, Surrey) finds himself plunged into the world of art crime. Forced by his shady friend Nicholas Ingaza (who has a hold over him for providing him with an alibi when he was busy murdering Elizabeth, as described in the first book), he has to hide some stolen paintings (one featuring a pile of bones) in his belfry. His life is not made easier by the investigative probings of terrifying detective novel writer, Maud Tubbly Pole, who announces that she wants to feature him in her next novel - and, much to his horror, tells him she would like to include Elizabeth's murder too.

Acerbic entertaining comments are again added to his narrative by Maurice, the sophisticated cat, and Bouncer, the simple down-to-earth dog, who have got to like F.O., as they call him. The supercilious Maurice (who describes himself as "of an intellectual bent") had previously belonged to Elizabeth, but explains that "her smothering blandishments ... had driven me almost to distraction and there were times when - had I the strength and the means (and were less dependent on the good food she provided) - I could have readily strangled her. But fortunately the vicar did that instead." However, Maurice now has to live with Bouncer: "Fundamentally," he explains, "Bouncer is a good-natured creature; but being a dog, his raucous temperament can jar the nerves. Indeed there are times when I have to assert myself quite strongly and instruct him in the arts of etiquette and savoir-faire. It is a thankless business."

Bouncer meanwhile is more concerned with bones and a peeing contest with another dog. Maurice explains, "I gather it involves a lot of racing about from grave to grave and much squirting from different heights and angles. He tells me that during one of these sessions he encountered F.O. - not I think on the same mission - and that the vicar seemed very impressed by his performance. I rather doubt this as our master is not known for his powers of observation."

Although Maurice, Bouncer and other animals can talk to each other (a rabbit tells Bouncer to "Sod off!") and understand human speech, even Maurice has "never quite managed to grasp the intricacies of human hieroglyphics - escpecially those scawled by F.O." Well not yet, anyway. And sometimes they don't quite understand what is going on, as when Bouncer tells Maurice about "F.O. singing some hymn about a cross-eyed bear called Gladly. Don't know who he is, but the tune's all right and I joined in myself a couple of times - though that seemed to make the vicar wince, so I stopped." This may be an old joke about Gladly the Cross I'd Bear, but it's one of many throw-away lines that will be enjoyed by those who recognise them!

It is novelist Maud Tubby Pole who explains to Oughterard , "Readers don't want character, they want action!" Agatha Christie's characters, she tells him, "are as flat as pancakes but nobody complains - and the books sell like hot cakes. As do mine!" What matters, she says is atmosphere and plot. Oddly enough, in this book, it is the characterisation and humour that stand out. The plot is, as the author well knows, plain silly.

But you can't help enjoying the fun and the eccentricities of the clergy, such as those of Bishop Clinker who confides to Oughterard that he has a secret vice: "There are not just the two of us, others are involved sometimes as well. Spices it up a bit, if you know what I mean."
Oughterard "wasn't sure that I did know and felt myself starting to blush."
The Bishop went burbling on, "Of course a foursome is the ideal, evenly balanced and everyone gets a go. Six can be fun, but it can get a bit crowded, and at my time of life I tire too easily."
I won't give the game away and explain exactly what they were doing!

Right at the end, a policeman tells Oughterard, now amazingly Canon Oughterard, that they are re-opening the murder case from last year. A third book is on the way.

There is an interesting article about the author in Hereford Times and an even more interesting and longer one written by herself on The Art Of Detection site. She also has her own website.

The book is readily available, new or used. A good source of used books is abebooks. They feature the stock of 13,000 booksellers from all over the world, and I have always found them to be very reliable.

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