Jokes Galore:
Last Update - July 2008
Humourous Links:
Two female mice were bragging to each other about how big their boyfriends were. The first mouse showed a picture of her boyfriend to the other mouse, the picture was of a young rat. The second mouse showed a picture of her boyfriend, it wasa picture of a bat. "He's a bat!" exclaimed the first mouse. "The bastard!...." said the second mouse "...He told me he was a pilot....!".
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A bloke in a wheelchair enters 'Stars In Their Eyes' and goes up on stage to be interviewed by the host Matthew Kelly, who asks him his name, to which he answers 'Simon'. "And why are you in this wheelchair?" asks Matthew. "Well, two years ago my uncle and I were involved in a car crash. My uncle was killed instantaneously and I was trapped for 6 hours before the emergency services could cut me free. Unfortunately they had to amputate both my legs. The good news was that they managed to save my uncles legs and transplant them onto me, and in 6 months the doctors tell me I should be walking again. "Excellent" says Matthew, "And who have you come as tonight?" "Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be........Simon & Halfuncle"
Getting started:
Most blues begin with you waking up this morning. After that, it is permissible to pass comment on your woman. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues. If you got a good woman why the hell you singing the blues? The only way around this is to stick something nasty in the next line. For instance: "I got a good woman / With the meanest face in town / Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher / And she weigh 500 pound." Then you repeat it. We don't know why. You just do.
Getting around:
The first thing to remember about the blues is not about choice. Your carstuck in a ditch today, your car stuck in a ditch tomorrow - ain't no way out. Chevys, cadillacs and broken down trucks are the blues. Volvo estates,Ford Mondeos and anything made in Japan are not. When John Lee Hooker wrote Cool Little Car he sure weren't thinking of no damn Nissan Sunny. If you got no car, other permissible transportation includes a Greyhound bus or southbound train, preferably in the company of hobos. EasyJet or VirginExpress ain't doing it. Walkin' plays a major part in blues. As does fixin' to die and meeting the devil at the crossroads. Getting stuck in a 5 hour traffic jam on the M5 is not the blues. Just unfortunate.
Locations:
Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Oklahoma is plain depressing, but hard times in Chicago, St Louis or Kansas City is the blues. Losing all your American Express travellers cheques on vacation in Acapulco is just a pain in the butt. You cannot have the blues any place that don't get rain. Good places for the blues: highway, jailhouse, empty bed, bottom of whisky glass.
Who can sing the blues?
Teenagers and schoolchildren cannot sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Blues is for adults and adulthood means being old enough to get the chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. Blues is not a colour thing. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Colin Montgomerie probably could. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing in Val d'Isere is not the blues. Losing your leg to an alligator in a Louisiana swamp is. You cannot wear a suit and sing the blues unless you happen to be an 80 year old ethnic person and you slept in it. Also, no matter how tragic your life, if you own a laptop computer you cannot sing the blues. Maybe your big ol' mean woman done sit down on it. We don't care. You ain't going nowhere with blues like that.
Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes if: you're older than dirt / you're blind / you shot a man in Memphis / you can't be satisfied. No if: you have all your own teeth / you were once blind but now can see / it turned out to be a flesh wound / you have a retirement plan, company pension or trust fund.
Lifestyle
If you asked for water and baby done give you gasoline, it's the blues. Other acceptable beverages are: Thunderbird wine, whisky or bourbon, muddy water, black coffee. On no account ask for gin and tonic, a Bacardi Breezer, Snapple, Tokay-Pinot Gris Grand Cru furstentum 1998 or camomile tea.
Fixin' to die.
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So is the chair, substance abuse, or lonely on a broken down cot. A heart attack playing squash, bizarre liposuction mishaps or being electrocuted while strimming the lawn is not the blues.
Your name.
Some blues names for women: Sadie, Bessie, Big Mama, Fat River Dumpling. Some blues names for men: Willie, Big Willie, Little Willie, Blind Willie. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, Rainbow and Kevin cannot sing the blues even if they take a machine gun to the men of Memphis.
Make your own blues name
A. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Leadbelly, Lame etc), size of person (Big, Little, Tall, Shorty) or special ability (Howlin', Screamin', Mumblin').
B. First name (as above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime).
C. Last name of president (Jefferson, Johnson, Washington etc.)
Important note:
This system is not entirely foolproof as, while Blind Lemon Jefferson is considered a perfect name for a bluesman, Big Strawberry Bush, whilst using the same procedure, sounds somewhat unsavoury and is very likely to get you banned in exactly the sort of states that that would appreciate your music best.
Lame Mango Washington Professor of Blues Memphis Tennessee U.S.A.
RING . . . RING . . . CLICK . . . "Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.... If you are an obsessive-compulsive, please press 1......repeatedly. If you are a co-dependent, please ask someone else to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are. We know where you are, and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully.... A little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. ..................Thanks for calling."
One of the teachers had a small child come up to her and say that he had found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew it was dead.
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear." The teacher said, "You what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move, so it must be dead.
There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the famous song, Hokey Kokey, died last week at age 83. It was especially difficult for the family to get him in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and....well, things just started going downhill from there.
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