This is a TRUE story of a friendless,
boring being, who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth; but with the
brains of a 10-year old.
Edward was brought up by his mother and a nanny to
think that the world stopped in 1930; not only had the 20th century
been missed but the 21st century did not exist.
Whilst Edward was on a luxury holiday in Abadannia in Brazil, he was captured by communist guerrillas to be held for ransom.
This is a TRUE story of
“Mans-inhumanity-to-Many”, but no more telling, let Edward tell his story in
his own inimitable way using his massive vocabulary of 50-words.
The TRUE Diary of Edward
Goldwyn-Smythe.
Dear diary.
Since being captured
by "General Ramerez Unity For Freedom" army, or GRUFF for short, the
trek through the jungle the last few days has been slow.
For the last 50 miles
I had to demand that they carry me as well as my bath chair otherwise I would
not be able to reach the next encampment by dawn.
The overnight stop at
the Bolivia border was uneventful. I insisted that I be treated for my injuries
that night, but when the nubile native medic arrived in her underwear sweating
profusely, I suggested she returned to her tent or she may be bitten by
insects. She returned as suggested to administer her unction’s to the rest of
the party; they must be very badly injured as I could hear them moaning all
through the night under her skilled medical hands.
Colonel Sanchez has
become a pain, what with his broken English, heavy panting & continual
shouting "Shaw mea boatocks" and pointing at my trousers, I think he
would like to "trade" as South Americans do, but for the life of me I
cant think what he has that I would prefer instead of my trousers.
Most of the party
seem very nice, although heavily armed; they have started to leave me to my own
devices. This started after our last stop when I tried to explain the
cellular growth theory using entropy with the Boltzmann constant included; no
matter, at the next stop I intend to bring up the matter of hygiene as I have
noticed that they do not wash their hands after going to the toilet.
I must go now as the
rains have ceased and we are moving on, I think it will be soon when the
General explains his ransom demands.
Must remember to ask someone
for some shoe polish in the morning......
Week 2.
Dear diary.
Have reached the
central encampment safely.
Sergeant Obregardo
has it in for me since I beat him in the "All South American Spitting
Contest", but the General came to my help by cutting off Obregardo`s lips,
this may seem harsh to an outsider but when you have been here as long as I
have you begin to understand the native mentality, I think Obregardo will come
to thank me in for it in years to come as he will never have to use lip-salve.
The General sat with
me for an hour today and I began to explain how atomic vacancies in crystal
structures combine and form voids, which can increase the density and velocity
of dislocations, thus leading to to failure of BCC & FCC lattices. He
is in my opinion some sort of guru or yogi, as he has the ability to go into a
trance, his eyes glaze over and he begins to chant some sort of mantra.
He left without
explaining the ransom demands, very strange.
Later that evening
another strange event occurred in which several soldiers dragged me from my
tent and handed me a heavy rucksack and pointed to the mountains shouting
"Bruseel, Vamoocha", I think they wanted me to gather kindling or
food for them, but not understanding the lingo I pointed out that I was an
Englishman and demanded a gin and tonic be brought to my tent immediately.
The black eyes are
not so swollen now in the first light, and I await the return of the General.
Must ask for
a new dressing gown later............
Dear diary,
I think I have been
sent to "Coventry" in that I am being ignored by everyone, including
the young native boy who wipes my backside.
Bad news I'm afraid,
the General has explained his ransom demands.
He would like to pay my
friends $1,000,000 to release me; I'm not sure if I quite understand this, what
with Obregardo translating without any lips.
This afternoon I
tried to escape by sowing banana skins together and make a canoe, but the
soldiers realised what I was up to after the 10,000th banana and they offered
me a motorised vessel, but I refused knowing that their cunning plan would doom
me to failure as I didn't know where to insert the ignition key.
Since I painted the
inside of my tent red I have become a bit of a celebrity with the local
headhunting tribe. To succour their favour I suggested I paint their huts
red, in that way the local government militia could avoid their abodes when
bombing the jungle.
I can’t understand
it, I heard through the jungle Internet today that all the headhunters were
killed in a bombing raid; the General is furious and blames Obregardo.
Obregardo had his
eyelids removed today; just as well as he kept looking at me and winking whilst
laughing, he will thank me in years to come.
Must go now, as I
want to ask the General for a cigar holder, very nice chap really.
Week 4.
The General has
raised the ransom demand to $2,000,000, he must realise that I'm very
important.
The General showed me
his store of several tons of cocaine today. I told him he had been duped
in that it looks like and tastes like talcum powder. The General is
furious and blames Obregardo.
The soldiers dumped
the talcum powder in the river this afternoon and Obregardo has had his toes
removed for some reason, never mind, he will thank them in years to come as
will never suffer with ingrowing toe nails.
The General is
furious again as the talcum powder really was cocaine and all the fish and
local fishermen have died. The General blames Obregardo.
Later this evening
Obregardo showed me his bandaged hands where he had all his fingers removed, I
told him he will thank them later as he will never suffer with splinters in the
fingers, as we all know they can be very sore.
A new party of
captives arrived this evening, I introduced myself and explained how lucky they
were in that they can see the "Southern Constellations" in the jungle
skies without any light pollution as one would get in a city. Later this
evening the new party of captives were moved to a new location for some reason.
Must request some
talcum powder in the morning, oops, better not, it may upset the General.
Dear diary,
Not a lot has
happened since my last entry, but today I bumped into Colonel Sanchez and asked
him if he would still like to “trade” as I have grown a full beard and
moustache and am in much need of moustache wax, but he ran away cursing loudly
about “boatocks” whatever that means.
Also met Obregardo, I
must say I feel sorry for him, as without any eye-lids the sun makes his eyes
water. I offered to make him a makeshift eyeshade from banana
leaves. He seemed very impressed at the time, but later when I tied the
leaves around his head he began screaming about the ants getting in his eyes,
it wasn't my fault; I just didn't notice them on the leaves. When he said "Ugging ell de ith der
thun od de dethil" I thought he was speaking Portuguese for “Thank you
white man for your help", but General Ramirez informs me it was very
naughty and Obregardo will have to be punished.
I heard
later today that Obregardo must have had a nervous breakdown or something as
apparently he has chewed off his own private parts, he will thank me though in
years to come, as he will never be able to catch sexually transmitted diseases.
I wonder if the
General would like me to plant some herbaceous borders around the tents……..
Dear diary,
I sat in a lecture
today by Colonel Sanchez about explosives and incendiary devices. Halfway
through I interrupted him and explained about methane and ethane gas properties
using Boyle's law. He appeared rather annoyed at the time but when I
showed him a demonstration by dropping my trousers and underpants and igniting
my bodily gases he cheered up enormously to the extent he instructed all his
soldiers to do the same.
Far into the night I
could see small flashes of ignited bodily gases in the jungle and hear the
yelps of schoolboy delight.
I must
request some silk underwear as soon as possible as this Hessian underwear is
chaffing my groin exceedingly…
Week 8.
Dear diary,
The General is
furious as many of his soldiers are on sick parade again with serious burns to
their nether regions for some reason.
I visited
the quartermaster stores and requested some silk underpants. I explained
about the severe chaffing and also pointed out to him how dangerous the Hessian
underpants can be due to their low ignition point by setting light to a pair.
By all accounts the
General went purple when he saw the burnt out shell of the quartermaster stores
and blamed Obregardo for some reason.
The General visited
me this afternoon end explained the ransom now stands at $4,000,000 and he
can’t understand why he hasn't had a reply. I do feel so sorry for him as
he is having a difficult time with the morale of his men being at a low ebb and
what with the lack of under-arm deodorant.
Later this evening I
saw the new captives in the distance and shouted to them that I wished to
explain the difference between a Bessel function and a Laplace transform, but
they ran off towards the cliff, I tried to warn them but they plunged over the
edge to freedom.
I wish I had been
informed of their plan to escape, but I think jumping into thin air 2,000 feet
above a crocodile infested river lacked a bit of forward planning.
Must ask the General
for a nail file in the morning as my nails a rather ragged at the moment………
Week 9.
Woke early this
morning to new soldiers arriving. The party of soldiers were in a bad way
as apparently they met the government militia on the way and 2 were killed and
30 of the other 40 were injured.
I offered my services
to help as I have had medical training during my youth.
By the next day we only had 2 soldiers alive, the General blames Obregardo as he kept dropping the Swiss army penknife, the butter fingers.
Met Obregardo latter,
his head was bandaged due to having his ears removed. He will thank the
General in years to come, as he will never have to worry about having his ears
pieced.
I requested an interview
with the General and explained how I believed that he was fighting a just war
against the evil capitalistic oppressors, and I would like to join his army of
rag-tag heroes.
After wiping the
tears from his eyes, he was obviously overcome with emotion and gratitude; he
informed me he would let me know tomorrow.
Tonight I helped the
cook prepare dinner. I gathered small knobbly berry-like delicacies
called "Putt-Putts" or by the local native tribes, called
"Numero Duos” .
The soldiers did not
like them by all accounts and roasted the chef alive and ate him; far into the
night this merry band of scallywags laughed and chortled drunkenly.
Must request some
bunion pads tomorrow…….
Week 11.
Dear diary,
Woke early this
morning to the sounds of the jungle only.
My merry band of
freedom fighters that I had come to love had disappeared. Not a person,
not a tent, not a sound.
I had heard of UFO`s
being seen in this area of the jungle but never have I witnessed the
disappearance of several score of men, women and children all at he same time
with such stealth and silence. Obviously some higher intelligent beings
are at work here.
Spent the whole of
the morning investigating the encampment to no avail.
Sometimes I thought I
could hear laughing far away, but I'm not sure.
Had lunch of
"putt-puts" which I gathered and had to spend the rest of the day
washing out my collection of Hessian underpants.
This evening I
noticed a light through the jungle trees about a mile or so away; I gathered
what provisions I could find and began to head towards the area where I thought
I had seen lights.
Imagine my surprise
when I had not gone 20 feet into the trees when I fell over Obregardo. He
began screaming and tried to raise himself onto the stumps of what was left of
his legs. I tried to placate him and warn him of the UFO`s but he became
hysterical and I had to administer an anaesthetic (large knobbly branch) to
quiet him down.
After several hours
of difficult terrain and having an unconscious Obregardo strapped to my back, I
reached the clearing where thought I had seen the lights.
Decided to camp for
the night before investigating. Had to administer more anaesthetic to
Obregardo as he appears delirious.
Must remember to ask
Obregardo what barbers he uses as his hair is always so neatly trimmed.
Week 11.
Dear diary
Imagine my surprise
at first light, when I looked down into the clearing I could see my old friends
General Ramirez, Colonel Sanchez and the rest of the mischievous little imps.
Talking to the
General were several smart suited gentlemen standing next to an even smarter
looking helicopter. The General was handing a suitcase to the suited
gentlemen, but when I shouted "Hello old friend" he snatched the
suitcase back from the smart suited gentlemen and he and his entourage melted
into the jungle like the shadow of a cloud passing the sun.
As disappointed as I
was, I trotted down the slope to the smart suited gentlemen to make myself
known and explain how I have noticed that the South American giant snail can
travel at 2-inches per minute faster in damp weather than in dry weather.
The smart suited
gentlemen obviously did not see me, as they jumped into their helicopter, but I
managed to reach the door before they could close it and wedged the comatose
Obregardo into the door jam.
Imagine my surprise
when the smart suited gentlemen spoke to me in English, albeit not the words I
expected, no matter, with Obregardo wedged in the door they were obliged to
abandon their take-off.
Latter, sitting round
the campfire, the smart suited English-speaking gentlemen ate the last of my
"putt-putts" and told me about their smuggling operations.
Imagine my surprise
when they offered to drop me off at the airport for a flight home, as long as I
take one of their suitcases with me, to be collected latter, and they said they
would like to keep Obregardo as some sort of pet or something.
Anyway, as we boarded
the "chopper" as they called it, I bent over to enter the doorway and
guess what, "Thwack"! One of the rotor blades took Obregardo right
off my back. He will thank me for it in years to come, as he probably
wouldn't have liked to be a pet.
After landing at Brasilia
airport, the nice kind smart suited English speaking gentlemen had to run off
to the toilet, obviously not used to putt-putts, and left me with all their
suit-cases.
Am boarding the plane
now and will be home within 24-hours.
Wow, what an adventure,
my friends will never believe me.
Goodbye Diary,
Edward.