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We are breathing too much! This is
absolutely true because my friend Lulu whom I meet once a year to go snorkeling
in the Dead Sea told it to me. She got the story from her masseuse who heard it
from her solicitor who overheard two colleagues in a bar who were told by the
bloke who supply them with drugs who was informed by his father confessor who is
in cahoots with the Abbess of the nunnery where he celebrates mass every Sunday
who was advised by her bookmaker who found out from his grandmother whose lover
knows intimately the shoeshine boy who shines shoes by the front door of the Red
Cross Headquarters in Geneva and is very friendly with the Head Cleaner who
learnt the story from her staff. One of them found by chance a Highly Confidential file containing a report on research done by scientists in the Argentinean pampas in 1996. The team led by Dr. Sofocado de Apoco studied the incidence of raising levels of oxygen in the atmosphere due to global warming and its effect on saddleback pigs.
The
surfeit of oxygen was found to increase dramatically the oxidization of deep
cell components, releasing into the system an excess of free radicals,
substances that damage cells and can lead to cancer. By restricting their oxygen intake the researchers managed to increase longevity in pigs by 17.33%. From this study of pigs, which are animals with great similarities to humans, and not just metaphorically speaking, Dr. Sofocado and his team concluded that human longevity could also be probably increased at least by approximately some 13.052%, more or less, may be.
Most
importantly the report concluded that it is of paramount importance that
oxygen be restricted for human consumption and issues the following four
guidelines: a)
The population should be trained in the Sofocado Breathing Technique (SBT),
that is, breathing in and holding, breathing out and holding. The holding
periods have proven extremely beneficial for those pigs that mastered the
technique. b)
All activities should be carried out in badly ventilated rooms, e.g. the
so far considered healthy habit of sleeping with
the bedroom window open should be abandoned. c) Physical exercise should be discouraged and all sports banned, except for spectator sports. The
main conclusion was that 'urgent consideration should be given to the production
of low-oxygen canned air (LOCA) as the levels of oxygen will continue to
rise steadily and the situation can soon become critical'. It
seems that at least this last recommendation was implemented because in a letter
dated 22 May 2003, also in the same dossier, the WHO urges Governments to
release their stocks of LOCA to the public through the Red Cross, despite fears of
unleashing general panic with its consequent impact in the stock market.
My
friend says that she was also told by her masseuse who heard the story from her
solicitor who overheard two colleagues in a bar who were told by the bloke who
supply them with drugs who was informed by his father confessor who is in
cahoots with the Abbess of the nunnery where he celebrates mass every Sunday who
was advised by her bookmaker who found out from his grandmother whose lover
knows intimately the shoeshine boy who shines shoes by the front door of the Red
Cross Headquarters in Geneva and is very friendly with the Head Cleaner who
learnt from her staff that it was also mentioned in the letter of the
WHO that the American invasion of Iraq was a ploy to obtain not so much the WMD
but the LOCA that Saddam had been supposedly accumulating. It
is very important now that this has leaked we the people take action and
lobby our Governments to force them to admit the danger and release the LOCA. DON’T DELAY IN DOING SO! I wonder if Lulu and I should go snorkeling
again? I suppose as long as we put a cork on the tip of the tube it
ought to be OK...
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