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How To Not Get a Job  

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The fourth How To... article was on how you can fail your GCSEs. The total lack of feedback has brought the writer of the How To... section to the conclusion that it was an article which once again passed the requirements for usefulness and public interest, and so is writing another article in a similar vein.

For many years getting a job was regarded as the be-all and end-all of trying to live decently. Such ideas are now best described as outmoded. It is entirely possible to enjoy your life without working for a single minute. However, this situation, while leaving open plenty of time for spending time with the family, watching daytime TV, going for long walks and learning a great deal about the world around you by reading the Sun, is not one which Governments intentionally encourage all members of the family to participate in - except for exceptionally rubbish ones.

Due to this lack of encouragement - and, indeed, the negative connotations which come with simply not having a job all the time, which it is possible to obtain an understanding of by reading the Daily Mail - not having a job is really a full-time occupation requiring a great deal of effort on your part. There are various ways to avoid having a job. Some may ultimately impact on the value of your pension. A practical experiment as to which ones result in a lower quality of life overall is being established, and will be keeping a large number of people involved in remunerative employment for some considerable period. If the experiment is not cancelled, a report is expected in around 2130.

However, it is felt that it would be unfair to deny the hordes of 3 loyal readers of this section the opportunity to try out some of the methods being experimented with for themselves. Consequently this article will cover a few of them.

The first option is simply to never leave formal education. There are a great many full-time courses out there open to people over the age of 16 and so, at anything between 2 and 4 years each, it should be possible to spend most of the rest of your life carrying out such courses. The Government, viewing you as a good investment, will pay you to do them - as long as your household income is below a certain amount. (If it is above a certain amount you will be dependent on your parents for income - unless you go out and get a job, which this article is assuming that you don't want to do). Unfortunately this sum of money is inadequate for maintaining yourself on or for putting down a deposit on a house (unless the economy really falls apart, whereupon you will be totally unable to buy food but may be able to buy a large portion of Merthyr Tydfil). You will therefore remain dependent on money from your parents, unless they obligingly die, whereupon you may get their house and their money - unless you have siblings, whereupon you will get part of their house and part of their money, or unless they view you as a total loser and have left the whole lot to three distant relatives and the dogs' home. In such an event you may be able to challenge the will, but the money which the state provides for this purpose will be paid directly to your solicitor. Put simply, if you want this to work out then you will have to get the support of your parents, who may want you to get a high-flying job and do well. (Some parents don't, but they're rarely of the sort which can afford to keep you going without a job).

The next option is to win the lottery and invest the results carefully. This will give you enough money to live for the rest of your life on. Unfortunately if you do this too carefully you will turn into a stockbroker or an accountant. If you don't do it carefully you will find yourself without any money and in need of a new source of income. Few people win the lottery twice, so you cannot rely on that for a way out once you've blown your first set of winnings - indeed, the odds of winning the lottery once are rather poor (although somebody has to and there's no reason why it shouldn't be you) and significant savings on this activity can be made without seriously impacting on the liklihood of winning by not buying a ticket.

Alternatively you can take the view that the Government keeps paying you money and being nice to you as long as you keep applying for jobs. Therefore, all you have to do is apply and then botch getting the job. There are a variety of ways of doing this. If you are asked for a CV, you can handwrite it badly, put things in the wrong places, leave gaping holes in the account of your life for no particular reason, give the distinct impression that you have been out of the job market for some years due to being on holiday at Her Majesty's Pleasure, include misspellings and grammatical inaccuracies and be rude. Insulting former employers will give employers the impression that you're a rude person who will talk about them behind their back and say the same sorts of things about them in your next job application. Insulting colleagues will give the impression that you can't get on with people. Insulting the person who is reading your application will just upset them.

Once in a while it may be suggested to you that if you wish to continue receiving money you should try harder, at which point you will have to screw up at interview instead. This is easily done. Monosyballic responses (saying "Ugh", "Nah", "Yeh" and "Probs" in the answer to any questions) will lose you the job. So will swear words, general offensiveness, racism, sexism, comments about being a proud member of the BNP (particularly when applying to join the police force), any of the errors suggested for your CV, excessively casual clothes (employers curiously disapprove of jeans and a T-shirt with certain Anglo-Saxon phrases across it) or a late arrival.

If, following all this, you find yourself short of money, you may wish to enter University. In order to do this you will have to fill out a lengthy form in a tidy manner and send it off. After some considerable expense you may be entitled to a loan and associated grants. This will just about cover your living costs and your accommodation bill. If you wish to continue to receive this, you may have to attend lectures and seminars, write essays and do exams. The Government would like it if you did return the loans eventually, but unless your income exceeds £15,000 per annum you won't have to.

Unfortunately few of these options allow you to do no work at all for the rest of your life, so you may have to juggle between them to obtain the best possible money/life balance.

If this seems too difficult, there are a wide variety of non-jobs out there which involve being paid to sit around doing nothing. Many lack any form of control to ensure that you are actually doing any work or considering any of the decisions that you make. Therefore you can spend all day roaming the Internet, reading this website and, if pushed for a decision, making one on the spot with no thought for the consequences in the knowledge that you won't be sacked. Principally these jobs can be found in the public sector, since the private sector tends not to have money to fritter away on people who do nothing all day.

Oh, and we forgot to mention one other thing. In the long run, few of the options listed here are particularly satisfying. While the only reason that we are on this Earth is to bring other people into the world to enjoy it too, it can be quite boring if you don't try expanding your horisons.

Last modified 18/03/11

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