Contents
There are 8 items on this page. They are only interconnected by the fact that they are all created by the OB.
The Bill States:
No worker may cause or make trouble, noise, or unpleasent smells. Offenders will be fined £10.
No worker may work on work that will prevent them from completing their offical job without permission from their employer in writing. Offenders will be fined £50.
No worker may insult another's work without due reason. Offenders will be fined £20.
No worker may take another's equipment without permission. Offenders will be fined £5.
No worker may damage another's work for any reason. Offenders will be required to repair the work so that it blends in with the rest and pay £30.
No worker may refuse to attend work without permission from their employer or a good reason. The good reasons accepted are being in hospital and being dead. Offenders will be fined £10. Anyone off work during a peak season risks being sacked. Any worker taking more than three months off work will be taken as having resigned.
No worker may be hired or promoted without the highest person in the company being informed. The worker will be dismissed or demoted with apologies unless the highest person sees fit and the hirer/ promoter will be dismissed with a £50 fine.
No worker may strike or complain whilst leaving or damaging their work about this act or any other. Offenders will be fined £2000 and sentenced to 6 weeks in prison, with possible loss of job following
No worker in the work on law and judgement may be biased in their decisions. Offenders will be dismissed with a fine of £100. Those covered by this act include judges, magistrates, counsel, lawyers, solicitors, and jurors.
The Bill States:
The Order of the Bed has noticed an increasing number of ugly buildings recently.
This is not a good thing.
Therefore, all ugly buildings will, in future, be knocked down and rebuilt at the owner's expense. The new building will have to be planned in advance and agreed to by the OB Board. This is made up of:
the Founder.
If a building is approved democratically by the Board, it can remain. Other buildings will be demolished as quickly as possible. Industrial buildings alone are excepted.
These things will help a building to pass: Red brickwork, wrought iron, black windows with silver, stonework, towers and turrets, nice domes and minarets, columns, Tudor windows, tiles, marble.
These things will help a building to fail: large areas of glass, silly shapes or sculptures on the roof, flat or steeled roofs, strips of window, large areas painted battleship grey or white, bulgy shapes, concrete, a shape that suggests that it was put together with children's building blocks before being scaled up, large numbers of adverts - particularly old ones - attached to walls where they don't go.
Buildings will be judged in this way:
Building name:
Group: pleasant/ ugly/ snazzy/ industry (delete inappropriate).
Listed: yes/ no
Owner Group: local authority/ country government/ public sector/ private individual/ private company/ other:(specify)
Owner:
Age:
Country:
The Order of the Bed is not responsible for any annoyance or waste of money caused by this Act.
The Bill States:
Wasted time is increasingly becoming a problem in today's world, with late flights, buses, ships, taxis, trains, a complete lack of any form of public timetable for services, appointments not being met, people wandering off and so forth. The Order of the Bed has decided that this problem will have to end now.
People who consider that their time is being wasted will now be allowed to prosecute the waster £4000 for wasted time. The waster, of course, will be allowed to argue. If an OB member is having their time wasted, the OB will conduct the case and put our special extra charges on the bill.
We hope this will encourage people to use other people's time more sensibly.
Thank you.
The Act States:
We are proud to be a mean and money-grabbing lot at the Order of the Bed and so this Bill will come as no surprise to those who know us.
The result is this Bill on fireworks. Quite simply, it states that all people holding a fireworks display will have to inform the Order of the Bed well in advance (say about 6 months). Our local representative will then mysteriously appear at your fireworks display without paying, watch the display, ensure that none of the fireworks break our decibels limits, and and depart at the end of the display. You will then receive a bill for travel costs.
In the extremely likely event of the decibels limits being broken, there will be an extra £500 added to the bill for damaging the representative's delicate ears. The limit is 90 decibels.
In the event of us not being contacted the required period in advance, the following things will happen:
1)Your shopping and post will be investigated for the next 12 months to ensure that you are not acquiring fireworks without our knowledge.
2) Your display may be interrupted part way through by our representative and will be halted until they are ready for it to continue.
3) You will receive a bill for travel costs anyway.
As can be seen, there is no monetary gain from not informing us of your display, and a lot of privacy to be lost, some of it possibly rather embarrassing and possibly costly.
However, we assure you that we will not attempt to intrude your privacy with malice aforethought (i.e. intentions to take bank deals from your bank statements and remove money from your account).
Thank you.
The Bill States:
If a mistake is made it can be very embarrassing, sometimes for the person who makes it, but more often than not just the people who are around at the time.
We therefore recommend that no-one attempts to cause, attempt to cause, consider causing or or generally believe that they must cause an embarrassment. Especially where OB members are concerned.
Therefore those causing an embarrassment to some one else will be subjected to:
1) embarrassment (before or after the crime is commited);
2) A £100 fine payable to the person embarrassed;
3) The regular OB extras if the case is conducted by the OB.
The End.
The Bill States:
This Bill concerns good causes. We are aware of a certain doubt of what these are nowadays, so we thought we'd list the ones which the OB will count as good causes in numerical order of the numbers which we chose to allocate them.
1) Order of the Bed projects e.g. this one.
2) Order of the Bed rulers - at present, the Founder.
3) Other Order of the Bed members. We are not communists, we just look at you all as members and therefore equally important to our various causes and projects. Differences will be treated fairly i.e. probably ignored.
4) Charities devoted to improving life in Britain in sensible ways i.e. getting rid of airports without committing acts of terrorism, getting rid of motorways without too much statistic skewing, getting rid of idiot yobs without just banning them, and finding a way of making the railway network fully work without just shooting drivers who run late.
5) Charities dedicated to improving the lives of people in poorer countries and allowing them to stop having so many children, thus preventing us from having to donate so much money to them when we're feeling broke, which we normally are.
6) You, if you are a member.
We think we have included most sensible good causes, but if you are not included on this list then the simplest method is to join the Order. Click here, print out the form fill it in, stick it up on the wall, and retire to bed.
Anyone found violating the restrictions of good causes when money was given to them in good faith will be removed from the full list, which you do not want to read, unless they are 1) or 2), which you do not give money to in good faith. 1) knows of a very nice railway somewhere and 2) knows of good banks which will not lose your money, thus ensuring that it is not put to any bad purposes. There it will remain in perfect safety until his death.
The End.
The Bill States:
This is our new international standardised punishment system.
All people found guilty of a crime will undergo one of the following punishments:
1) Execution by a suitable method.
2) Massive fines.
3) Hard labour on the Wye Valley Railway.
4) Undergoing torture by being read detailed histories of some obscure, not so obscure, or very large and elderly fleet of railway locomotives.
5) An alternative punishment only occasionally given for offences not considered to be suitable crimes for application of the above punishments.
5) Two or more of the penalties above.
Also we will charge lots of extra money on perfectly reasonable grounds and charge administration costs and 20% VAT on top of each of these costs, and also on top of the total of all of these charges.
So, for arson you can be burned alive or fined £30,000 (or both such penalties).
For murder you will be stabbed to death or fined £5,000,000 (or both such penalties).
For theft you can have your life stolen from you by the most humane way seen reasonable by the judge, fined £70,000, or sentanced to 6 months hard labour on the Wye Valley Railway (or a combination of such penalties).
Robbery with violence will entitle you to death by hanging or a fine worth twice the value believed to have been stolen (or both such penalties).
For High Treason you will be sentenced to being read detailed histories of all members of Class 31, and then will be hanged, drawn and quartered, as according to tradition, with a possible additional fine of £60,000 for more serious forms (or additional other similar penalties in lieu of those above).
For spending more than 24 hours in a pub you will be fined the value of all drink wasted which could in any way be attributed to your presence and a £1000 base charge, which will be charged as soon as you spend 24 hours in a pub even if you never wasted any drink.
For cruelty to animals you will be taken out of the court to where the cruelty was treated and you will there either be executed or the histories of every member of Class 37 will be read to you off this website (or both such penalties). There were 309 37s built, just as a warning.
For attempting to derail a train you will be fined £700,000,000 (trains are expensive these days) before being cut up into little bits and scattered all up the Great Northern Railway (this is an in-joke).
You will notice that we do not include imprisonment as a punishment. Prisons are an outdated form of punishment. They give criminals a chance to discuss crimes and mistakes, as well as make better gangs, are eternally overcrowded, thus demonstrating their lack of effect, and run at a loss.
In the event of a miscarridge of justice resulting in the wrong person being executed, the judge and jury will be tried for murder. If it turns out that the person originally convicted was guilty anyway after the original judge and and jury have been executed, the judge and jury who tried them will also be tried for murder - and this will continue until everything is sorted out. This is a good way of bringing back the death penalty with no real risk of it being implemented by anyone with any sense.
All fines for cases conducted by the Order of the Bed will come with £1000 costs for air breathed, paper used, time wasted, general annoyances and travel costs, and a special addition of Value Added Tax at a Very Special 20%!
We have launched a brand new religion! You just select your 360 favourite railways and then take a day's religious holiday from your work for the abandoned ones on the official day of closure to celebrate the anniversary. So, if one of your railways closed on February 28th then every February 28th you get a day off to practise your religion. Also, as we do not include any really good religious holidays, having nothing really special to celebrate, you can keep all of your old ones and pinch any from other religions which you happen to like.
Notes:
1)If one railway was closed on February 29th then it must only have its anniversary celebrated on February 29th. Holding the party on March 1st is not allowed.
2)You must celebrate these holidays after you have taken them up otherwise you will be in trouble with your local Controller.
3) If there were separate dates for closure to freight, closure to passengers, and abandonment of various sections then you can of course celebrate all of them.