The Order of the Bed Health and Safety Department was founded officially on the 18th of March 2003. Our aim is to promote health and safety and we are going to start the health bit by announcing that:
Quote from the Order of the Bed Health and Safety Department, Health Bill 1, Clause 1.
Ill people will not be allowed to come in contact with anyone else. After being diagnosed as being ill, you will be placed in a warm room with a clean toilet, food and water. Air will be made available by air conditioning and you will not be allowed out until you are restored to normal health.
NB 1: If you die then you will not be counted as having recovered.
NB 2: No bed is supplied (beds cost money).
This will be done in order to make totally and utterly sure that your disease cannot spread. So, when everyone with disease x has been locked away until they are better, disease x cannot spread anymore, and is therefore extinct.
NB 3: This is in line with current British Government recommendations to promote health at least possible expense.
We get the final say in everything because, if something is not healthy or safe, then it can't go ahead or be used. So:
Quote from the Order of the Bed Health and Safety Department, Safety Bill 1, Clause 1.
No-one is allowed to go to war because people could be killed.
So there!
So that no-one can get away with not obeying these rules because they didn't know they existed, here are our first acts.
Clause 1:
Ill people will not be allowed to come in contact with anyone else. After being diagnosed as being ill, you will be placed in a warm room with a clean toilet, food and water. Air will be made available by air conditioning and you will not be allowed out until you are restored to normal health.
NB 1: If you die then you will not be counted as having recovered.
NB 2: No bed is supplied (beds cost money).
This will be done in order to make totally and utterly sure that your disease cannot spread. So, when everyone with disease x has been locked away until they are better, disease x cannot spread anymore, and is therefore extinct.
NB 3: This is in line with current British Government recommendations to promote health at least possible expense.
Clause 2:
Armies will not be allowed to use anthrax bombs or other bombs countaining germs for terminal illnesses, or possess examples of the type of bombs mentioned above, because they are likely to damage peoples health.
Clause 3:
Poisons may not be produced because they can cause death.
Clause 4:
Nuclear power is banned as it causes cancer.
Clause 5:
Smoking and taking other drugs is illegal as people can gain terminal illnesses as a result.
Complaints against this bill may be sent in, but complaining is a waste of time because we are banning dangerous things here for your own good.
Clause 1
No-one is allowed to go to war because people could be killed.
Clause 2:
Lorries are not allowed to go above 150 feet above ground level because high winds may cause them to fall over.
Clause 3:
Double decker buses are not allowed to go above 150 feet above ground level because high winds may cause them to fall over.
Clause 4:
No-one is allowed to play rugby becacause rugby is dangerous. Games using rugby tackling will also be banned. Touch rugby is allowed because people are not expected to be brought down and crushed.
Clause 5:
Roads are not allowed to go through tunnels with bends in them or ones that are more than half-a-mile long. This is to make sure that light can go the whole way down the tunnel. Roads breaking this rule will be closed completely.
Clause 6:
This clause has been removed from the Bill. See Bill 2 below.
Clause 7:
Driving anything weighing more than 10 tons down a road at more than 30 mph is illegal because if someone runs out in front of you you are more likely to kill them.
Clause 8:
Flying is not allowed because the plane might fall out of the sky.
Clause 9:
Sailing a ship at more than 10 mph if it weighs more than 50 tons is illegal because it is difficult to move away from obstructions.
Clause 10:
Having a fight with someone is dangerous because someone is probably going to get seriously injured, so this is banned too.
Complaints against this bill may be sent in, but complaining is a waste of time because we are banning dangerous things here for your own good.
Clause 1
We have introduced some new speed limits which are shown below:
In case of large number of accidents occuring under these limits, we will simply halve all of them.
Clause 2
All lanes must be at least 20 feet (6.096 metres) wide to enable large lorries to pass along easily. All roads with speed limits of 70 or more must have a hard shoulder 16 feet (4.877 metres) wide for large lorries to break down in easily with enough space to change a wheel without risking being run over.
Clause 3
Roads with a speed limit of 50 or more are banned from having foot crossings passing across them. We cannot imagine anyone having any cause for complaint about this.
Clause 4
A short while ago Britain's M6 had green posts along the crash barrier down the middle of the road so that you would find it much more difficult to get dazzled by somebody's headlights when they were coming in the opposite direction. This will be compulsory on all roads by 2010 as there are no disadvantages except that they might just possibly be a tad expensive and they fall off if someone runs into the crash barrier. However, since no-one should be running into the crash barrier anyway, this is not a problem.
Clause 5
Low noise recycled road surfacing.
Pros - recycled and therefore cheap, quiet, may last longer than tar (it hasn't been about long) does not require any alterations to present traffic to install, saves putting the rubbish used into landfill sites.
Cons - if it breaks up there will be lots of bits of glass flying around, drivers may base their speed on road noise and go faster because the road is quieter. Then they will go too fast, violently exceed the speed restriction, and get hauled over.
Pros outnumber cons: All roads must have this newfangled tarmac on them by 2010
Clause 6
There are a lot of problems on school buses (and probably other buses too, if it comes to that) which have been noticed by our schools correspondent lately which involve the throwing of chair seats out of the windows. As this is a hazard to other drivers, we here list all the alternatives with pros and cons.
Option 1: Extreme.
Withdraw all buses.
Pros: Eliminates all trouble with people causing trouble on buses and withdraws the need for that new scourge of inner-city Britain: bus lanes. Tramways and railways could be built as alternatives. Let's face it, one bus only carries 72 people, and even a two-car set of Railbus or Pacer stock will carry at least 84 people (sitting) for the same amount of greenhouse gas, a more attractive appearance and a better safety history, along with tables and toilets.
Cons: Unenvironmental and annoys everyone with no other form of transport. Huge numbers of people involved in buses, from designers to cleaners, will lose their jobs. Trains can't go right into housing developments where there is no railway because locals won't let you build railways anymore. Bus companies will object about being shut down.
The pros win in terms of numbers but the cons will have more backers. Won't be supported by local authorities and governments afraid of losing their power.
Option 2: Intermediate
Withdraw buses with the problems.
Pros: Acts as a deterrent to causing trouble and stops trouble on the buses withdrawn.
Cons: These buses often serve run-down areas with no other form of transport and deterrents often just act as a dare to cause trouble and see what happens.
The honours are equal, although the bus companies will probably support it if the services lose money. Won't be supported by local authorities and governments afraid of losing their power. Gets to stalemate.
Option 3: Intermediate
Ban the troublemakers from catching the bus.
Pros: Acts as a deterrent as people won't want to be banned and doesn't upset anyone else.
Cons: Such things are often expensive, a good lawyer could probably ruin all, and you've got to catch 'em first anyhow.
Cons win, so we forget that one.
Option 4: Intermediate
Ban opening windows
Pros: Stops people from throwing things out of the windows or opening emergency doors and leaning out.
Cons: In case of an accident it will stop people from getting out of the emergency doors, it will cut off air supplies on the bus anyway (making the bus dangerous on long journeys), stops smoke and smells from getting away (although we've banned smoking and most people reading this will have bath or shower facilities) and a lot of people do like the breeze.
Although a cheap option and popular with glue or welding material manufacturers, the cons by far ounumber the pros.
Option 5: Extreme
Ignore the trouble.
Pros: Solves the problem of upsetting people who lose their bus service and often people who get no attention for what trouble they are causing give up.
Cons: Doesn't solve the original problem and the second point is only theory. They are probably bound to get some attention from friends anyway. Costs money to repair the bus after each duty so the company goes bankrupt or requires subsidy from that bankrupt government of ours which claims it can't afford to invest money in things.
Cons win, so we forget that one.
Options 1 & 2 win, so we select whichever one we fancy based on the company in question.
As everyone is perfectly well aware, fireworks are very dangerous things, liable to cause considerable damage. Therefore we are taking this opportunity (Bill written Saturday November 5th 2005) to provide advice on fireworks.
We suggest that you attempt to contact the OB and get us to send you a Fireworks Safety Professional, specially trained by us. This person will do the following:
Of course, this is a SAFE display, so it may cost more than the corner-cut thing which you normally offer, and it may take longer, but at the end you will all come out unharmed.
As an addition, however, the Government insists on us not discriminating in employees nowadays, so you may occasionally be sent an idiot to deal with your firework display. They will give you a form to this effect informing you of this little problem, and you are requested to ensure that anything that might be mistaken for a firework - like a bird feeder on top of a pole - is removed in advance, to prevent it from being set fire to. This will be considered to be your responsibility - we only send our Firework Safety Professional, and you are requested to ensure that they do not act like idiots while on your site and that you make yourselves pre-prepared if they are going to.
The end result will be a better display with no risk of fireworks violently attacking people while watching the display or doing annoying things.
We encourage useage of this offer to make use of under-utilised staff before they all get transferred to the Engineering Department.
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