JOKES

Towards the bottom of this page are also a couple of shaggy dog stories and collection of riddles of varying degrees of incomprehensibility.

Here comes...

1) Q: Who delivers lamp posts to people?

A: A postman

2) Q: Why is there never a day?

A: Because it breaks at dawn.

3) Q: Three people were going to go for a walk, but when they discovered they'd run out of apples they decided not to. Why?

A: The walk would be fruitless.

4) Q: Why did the policeman arrest the camper who wouldn't get up in the morning?

A: He was loitering within tent [with intent]

5) Q: What is the meaning of the word "minimum"?

A: A very small mother.

6) Q: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is a very long word. How do you spell it?

A: I-T.

7) Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Fish (They're surrealists)

8) Q: What's black and comes out of the ground shouting "Knickers, knickers!"?

A: Crude oil.

9) Q: What's black and comes out of the ground shouting "Underwear, underwear!"?

A: Refined oil.

10) Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the other side.

11) Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Because the subway was closed.

12) Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: For its own foul reasons.

13) Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Because it was the chicken's day off.

14) Q: How many elephants can you get in a mini- car?

A: Four. Two in the front and two in the back.

15) Q: And how many lions can you get in the mini-car?

A: None. It's full of elephants.

16) Q: How can you get two whales in a mini- car?

A: Along the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.

(That is a very old English joke)

17) Q: What did the man say when he say four mammoths coming over the hill?

A: Here come four mammoths.

18) Q: And what did the man say when he saw four mammoths coming over the hill with snow goggles on?

A: Nothing. He didn't recognise them.

19) If a man got bird flu then would it be bloke flu?

20) Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor?

A: Yes. It turned into a field.

And a nice boring and obvious joke to round off:

21) Q: Three large people were walking under one umbrella, but none of them got wet. Why?

A: It wasn't raining.

 

1) A knight, complete with shining armour, was stumbling through a forest late on a dark and stormy night through a deep forest. Rounding a corner he saw the lights of a small castle ahead, and so he staggered up and knocked on the door hopefully. It was slowly creaked open by an old man.

"What do you want?" asked the old man.

"Can I have a bed for the night?" asked the knight. "It's so cold and wet out here," he added.

"Come in," replied the man, "and I'll ask the Lord of the castle."

The knight duly stepped in and followed him down a dark corridor to a gloomy hall, where the Lord and Lady sat at opposite ends of a long wooden table. Various friends sat around the table drinking.

"Well," cried the Lord, "Who is this, porter?"

"I was coming through the forest and got lost," said the knight. "I haven't got a horse. I'd like to know if you have a bed for the night?"

"Sorry," replied the Lord. "This is only a small castle, and all the beds, stable blocks, kitchens and tables are already taken for the night. But there is another castle just down the road. Sit down, have your fill, and we'll arrange something for you to ride."

"Thanks," said the knight. "How far's this castle?"

"A mile."

"Only a mile? How did you get planning permission?"
"We run the local planning authority," smiled the Lord. "Sit down and have your fill".

So the knight sat down and had his fill, after which he stood up and said that he must be getting along. The Lord gestured and a couple of servants hurried out to get the knight's mount for the rest of his journey.

The knight was curious as to what it would be.

"A dog," replied the Lord. "Seventeen hands".

"A dog?"

"It's a very good dog".

At this point the dog was walked in. It was a huge, hairy animal. It had a big slobbering tongue, a huge wagging tail and massive sharp claws. It looked at him and barked - a big, loud, roaring bark. The knight gazed at it and turned to the Lord.

"You like it?" asked his Lordship.

"Like it?" replied the knight incredulously. "You can't send a knight out on a dog like this!"

 

2) Bill and Ben were walking through a small town late at night with a weak torch when they found a large bag of nuts sitting on the pavement, neatly labelled with "May contain traces of nuts".

They looked at it and looked at each other.

"Let's share it," said Bill.

"How?" asked Ben. "Got to split them equally".

"Very well," replied Bill. "Let's go round the corner to the churchyard and share them out one by one".

So they picked up the bag and struggled round to the gate into the churchyard, where they dropped two nuts by accident.

"You dropped two," said Ben.

"Oh, never mind," said Bill. "We'll come back for them later."

So they settled down on a tombstone and began to share the nuts out.

"One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me..."

 

Some time later a boy came past the churchyard on his way back from watching a zombie film at the cinema. As he walked past he heard a voice in the dark churchyard. Visible through the yews was a faint light and two shadowy forms.

"One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me..."

The boy ran off down the road to the police station, where he rang desperately for a policeman. Eventually a policeman ambled up to the desk.

"What's up?" asked the policeman.

"There're devils down in the churchyard!" said the boy. "They're counting out the dead souls".

"Counting dead souls?" said the policeman thoughtfully. "Sounds like a terrorist activity. Let's have a look at that."

So they walked back down the road towards the churchyard into the night.

 

"One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me."

"Sounds suspicious," commented the policeman.

Then the voices stopped.

"That seems to be that then," said Bill.

"No it isn't," said Ben. "Don't forget the two outside the gate!".

The policeman and the boy looked at each other. Then they both ran.

 

1) Out of the strong came something sweet,

Out of the rich came something to eat.

(That one is not suitable for the faint hearted!)

2) The REAL riddle of the Sphinx.

What has:

4 legs in the morning;

2 legs at midday; and

3 legs in the evening?

And if you don't get the right answer I'll eat you!

3) Your neighbours have recently acquired an 8 gallon barrel of water (or anything else you like).

They have agreed to allow you to have 4 gallons.

You are left with the barrel, a five gallon bucket and a three gallon bucket and told to work it out.

You are not allowed to take more than four gallons, and you are not allowed to add anything extra into the formula.

How do you work it out?

4) A small girl lives on the twelfth floor of a block of flats. When the lifts are working she goes straight to the lift on the twelfth floor and uses it to get to the ground. When she returns in the afternoon she gets in the lift but gets out on the eighth floor to walk up the four floors to the top. Why?

5) A cowboy rides into an one-horse town on Friday. He stays three nights and leaves on Friday. How is this possible?

6) Suggest a time when it could be dangerous to go for a walk dressed all in white and what might happen to you.

7) A man walks along a country road dressed completely in black where there're no lights or stars and the moon isn't up. A car driving towards him with its lights not on swerves and avoids hitting him. How did the driver see him?

8) A man is sitting in a house where all the windows face south. A bear walks past one of them. What colour is it?

9) Three missionaries and three cannibals want to cross a river. There is a boat on the river with space for two of them. Unfortunately, if there are more cannibals than missionaries on either bank of the river at any one time, the cannibals will have missionary stew that evening.

So, if they can only cross one or two at a time, how do you get all six across intact?

10) In a town there is a row of five houses. Each has been painted a different colour. Each house is occupied by one man. Each man has a different nationality, drinks a different drink, and smokes a different type of cigar. They also each own a different pet. Who owns a fish?

The following information will be useful to work out the answer.

1. The Briton lives in a Red house.
2. The Swede keeps dogs.
3. The Dane drinks tea.
4. The Green house is next door to the White house, on the left.
5. The occupant of the Green house drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7. The owner of the Yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The man living in the centre house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the one who smokes Dunhill.
12. The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the Blue house.
15. The Blends smoker lives next to the one who drinks water.

Apparently about 98% of the population of the world should have trouble with this one, but you may be interested to know that we did a practical test and it is possible to work this riddle out in less than 90 minutes.

Answers