This is probably the most difficult topic I address on my site. This is a snap-shot of my feelings after about eighteen months, when I feel my attitudes have matured slightly. You may not agree. You may howl with laughter at my naïveté. Your comments are very welcome. If nothing else, I've found that communicating my thoughts to others helps crystallise them for me.
This page was inspired by a question asked by a psychiatrist of a friend of mine. "Are you a transsexual?"
It's nasty question in many ways. Say yes and I prompt the response, "So you're not a woman" and thus fail the DSM IV definition of transsexuality! Say no, and I also fail the same definition, and am therefore ineligible for treatment! It's a wonderful Catch-22!
I can't say I'd given the idea much thought until that point. My answer would have been unhesitatingly "Yes". But that answer doesn't satisfy, The best I can come up with, so far, is, "No, I am a woman. However I am reluctantly prepared to let certain well-informed individuals describe me as transsexual if that is convenient for them."
This might seem like an unnecessary sophistry. The truth of the matter is that I am a woman. I feel and act as one. I am very largely accepted as one (especially by those with poor eyesight!) [Largely is a singularly appropriate word here - no-one could describe me as petite.] One of the greatest regrets of my life is that I never bore, nor was able to bear, children. This is a disappointment I share with many other women. I therefore sublime my "maternality" on other people's children, but most especially on my cats.
What I find so remarkable is that for so many years I accepted and did rather a good job of carrying out a role that was dictated by my genitals. This in its turn conditioned the way that that my peers expected me to act. That I didn't fill the mould into the corners was put down as me being slightly effeminate and possibly gay.
Certainly I, too, wondered about my sexuality and have had a small number of very short-lived affairs with men. All were lovely people and we parted on good terms in each case. These relationships failed mainly because although I like gay men, I cannot love them as a lover. Moreover, the "mechanics" of the sexual side of the relationship left me totally cold. In one form it was better for me than any other. But, again, it did not satisfy.
I've been married twice. Both marriages failed for reasons that were unclear to me at the time, but seemed to centre around a lack of intimacy and empathy with my partner. With the benefit of hindsight, I know that both marriages were over-shadowed by gender confusion. I found sex a chore and basically hated it.
It's interesting that in my early childhood, I would go to sleep hoping to wake up a girl and that no-one would notice. As I grew older, these ideas were submerged in the general excitement of growing up. In my adulthood (not sure if it's really started yet) I was aware of individuals who had transitioned, having seen films and documentaries about them on TV. So, for nearly 40 years, I failed to make the connection between this dark space in heart and what I knew was possible.
At the age of 45, the penny finally dropped and I've been enormously happy since. My explanation for this is that I was terribly wet behind the ears and only started to mature properly in my early 40s. Each event in your life has an appropriate time for its realisation. Mine was, unfortunately, rather late.
Looking back, I would rather have transitioned in my 20s. But I wasn't ready at that age - I hadn't the maturity. Moreover, the social climate then was far, far less accepting than it is today. Even in the short time since I made the decision to transition, I have seen shifts in attitudes.
My friends, who have thought little about transition, have said "I think you're very brave." Really, courage does not come into this equation at all. There has been no choice for me once the genie was out of the bottle - a case of do or die. I thoroughly glad I made this choice - I'm rather fond of being alive now!
Page last edited: 24 January 2004