Setting Clear
Boundaries--An Essential Skill for Managers
By
Lee Hogan
People expect us to stand up for our rights and
to clearly express our needs. They have more respect for us, research shows,
and they learn very fast how to treat us.
As an example, when I
say "no", I shouldn't feel guilty. I have rights, like the right not to offer any excuses for my
decisions or my behaviour, or the right not
to always please others. What it comes down to is having the courage to
risk offending or turning others off. Nonetheless, I am truly powerful when I
firmly set boundaries.
You know how people run
their games on us. They try to take our power. Then, unfortunately, we make the
mistake of not expressing our truth and our honest feelings. We end up stewing
about it like a victim. We get sucked in too easily to others' games and
manipulations and then we get mad at them and ourselves.
We too easily take the
hook. People knowingly or unknowingly put hooks out there based on their own
issues or weaknesses. If we succumb to the temptation to play into their
destructive game, we become co-conspirators with them and they have won. It's
not intentional, but it is a major source of conflict and fear.
There are smart ways to be powerful in an organization or in a close relationship without being arrogant or passive. These are the essential qualities of an assertive leader who is consciously guided by solid values and principles:
·
Don’t give your
power away when a person tries to hook you. e.g. victimizing you by criticism
or blame. Keep your power by listening.
·
You give power
away when you lose it in anger, blaming and impatience.
·
Don’t lose your
sense of who you are by too readily agreeing to things.
·
You define your
worth and individuality by authentically setting clear boundaries and making
clear requests with your personal authority.
Your Personal Vision
Is Proof You Love & Respect Yourself, and That You're Clear About Your
Expectations and Dignity.
·
You communicate
directly and firmly. You don't beat
around the bush.
·
Make "loving
and caring for others" part of your vision so you'll respect them. Nurture
people and appreciate them. Don't try to please them.
·
You don't give
them any excuses or justification for your clear requests!
·
You inquire of them, if, what you expect and ask for, will work for
them? You get their agreement and partnership. It's about teamwork and honest
collaboration.
·
Encourage
disagreement and friendly confrontation---never retaliate for new ideas,
innovative thinking or challenges to your way of doing things.
·
Never "give
back what you got"---know that a person is in their stuff---don't get
hooked, or you might end up trampling over their boundaries and escalating.
They may want you to retaliate and dump on them. Don't.
Controlling
Others Shows No Respect For their Boundaries
·
Take risks with
others and trust that they will perform excellently--stop fixing them. Stop
controlling them. Empower them and challenge them!
·
Give them enough
training and mentoring to make sure they're ready. Request specific training
for yourself, if you think you need it.
·
Stay out of their
hair and don't micro manage---nothing drives an employee more crazy than to
have the boss hovering over them as if they were children. And, have integrity
around your promises. Keep them.
·
Be tough. Challenge others so they can excel and perform
with pride. No punishing or
demeaning them, just tell 'em they can do much better and you're behind them
100%! This beats people-pleasing and phoney praise..
·
Ask questions in a
supportive way so it does not appear you're a policeman or a parent. But, be
tough, if it is called for. Be a warrior.
·
Be congruent in
your body language and non-verbal communication---openly truthful and sincere.
Avoid showing hidden (but obvious) annoyance.
Our facial messages and eye contact tell a strong story, positive or
negative. Without a word, others know exactly what you are thinking and
feeling. You can’t cover up an invalidating, demeaning behaviour.
·
If you can't
change your heart, at least drop your "looks" and non-verbal language
of judgement and disapproval. Give up being a “ parent” to others. They
secretly hate you for it. They’ll be submissive in appearance.
·
Assertive language
and behaviour is never controlling--even saying clearly, you're angry, is
assertive. Aggressive behaviour (getting angry) is acting out. Manipulating. It
creates fear and distrust and leads to wide scale lying.
·
"Treat a
person unevenly and they will get even". They'll covertly sabotage you and
your project. They may not even be aware of what they are doing. To punish
yourself, you often fall into self-sabotage. It's common victim behaviour. You
regain your power by leadership and by being accountable.
·
Blaming is a way
to control others--it creates powerlessness--it is punitive.
·
Appreciation and
compassion are ways to get people to believe in you and in themselves. They'll
be more motivated to make a real difference.
Follow the above guidelines and you will enjoy very good relationships at home, on the
job, and with friends. Ignore them because "you want to be nice and not
make waves", or you feel like chewing out someone, and it is a sure way to
end up not being trusted by others. Your power and credibility are at stake.
It is hard to be
authentic in your life. To be congruent and in integrity. There are always
risks in telling the truth in a straight and candid way. And in a tough-love
way, if that is called for. But, always
in a respectful way. The opposite behaviour always brings unhappiness and
pain and, inevitably, a loss of your power.
Using these materials
I am entirely happy for you to use or draw on any these materials in any way you think will be helpful. I am keen to have my work, and the work of the people I have learned from, used.
Please will you say where you found them? One way might be to give a link back to www.nickheap.co.uk or to info@nickheap.co.uk. This will help these positive ideas to spread, and help my business, too.
Thank you
Nick Heap