Practical Developmental Ideas August 2004
This issue is about
how to handle and resolve conflict. We often see conflict as destructive and it
can be if mishandled. When you handle conflict well it can lead to magnificent
creativity and growth. The ezine will give some tools, stories and practical ideas.
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What are the
issues about managing conflict?
People are different we are all utterly unique. We sometimes want
different things at different times or have different beliefs about what is
important. Although I am not sure that conflict is inevitable, it happens
because of these differences.
Unfortunately, most have us have been in conflict with parents,
teachers or other people in authority at some time in our lives and these
people often don't handle conflict elegantly. Coercion, bribery, manipulation or
avoidance is common and when we experience these we feel awful! So, it is
really hard to think about resolving conflict creatively with this weight of
history behind us.
Where there is a history of conflict between groups it is even more
difficult. If you have heard for years that "you can't trust X'ers"
or "Y'ers are really stupid/aggressive/dishonest", it is ever so hard
to forget that conditioning when you have a difference with one, or your group
with their group.
You need some tools and processes to engage creatively with each other
and if possible, come up with a win/win situation. I will offer some later on.
I have an amusing model for thinking about your own style of
conflict handling that may be helpful. What sort of animal are you?!
David Augsberger's
"Caring
enough to Confront" is very good.
I said that conflict was perhaps not inevitable. I have done
a lot of vision building work with groups and have
always found that when you have established enough connection and sharing
people always want the same thing. For example, a group of production workers
and their manager wanted "Everything running smoothly".
As we are all members of the same species and have the same
needs for safety, health, shelter, love, fulfilment, service and growth, I find
it helpful to believe that we all want the same things too. It may or may not
be "true", but it leads you into much more creative territory than
assuming the other person/group is out to get you.
Many conflicts are not "real" but are based on a
misunderstanding often caused by not listening. You can help by asking A, or
group A, to put B's argument and then to check back with A that B has got it right,
modify the argument if they need to and put it again until it is right.
This compels careful and active listening. Then you reverse roles and do it
again.
A story
I was facilitating a week's workshop with a group of very
senior police officers. They were going to do a project with a rural police
force but all worked in cities. They had a lot of thinking and planning to do.
At one stage in the group there was a conflict between "John" and
"Fred" which took all the energy of the group - everyone was
entertained by it but it was going nowhere.
I asked them to stop and put each other's argument. Fred had
understood John's argument perfectly but John had not understood Fred's at all
well. He had not been able to hear it. When Fred helped John understand Fred's
argument clearly, they realised that their positions were quite close and they
agreed what they should do very quickly. This saved lots of time and potential
bad temper and they learned about the value of listening.
Sometimes it is obvious why a conflict between people stays
unresolved. Perhaps they have a destructive process of blaming each other or
not listening. You can often help by helping them notice how they interact and
then invite them to change. You can't compel them.
I was working with a married couple. "George" was
a very small quiet man and "Mary" was large and loud. Mary complained
that George did not talk to her and spent every evening in the shed on his
hobbies. I noticed that whenever George tried to put his point of view (that
Mary was not interested in him and was so talkative he needed to escape!) that
Mary interrupted him. Then George went even quieter.
When she interrupted again I put up my hand and asked them
in turn what had just happened. It took several goes but they both realised
what was going on and Mary got a bit better at not interrupting and George
seemed to open up a bit. I was amazed
next week to find them so much happier. Mary had started listening to George
and was enjoying it and George was spending much less time in the shed!
You don't need two people or parties to be directly engaged
in resolving conflict. If you can help one party think clearly about what is
going on, that can be enough. It is clear that if you change from blaming and
attacking someone to trying to understand their position then things will
change.
I learned an excellent analytical tool "Seven Column Analysis" from Chris
Bull that can easily help. The most common problems that it surfaces
are distorted communication - what you say does not reflect what you feel and
making false assumptions about what the other person needs or wants. There is a
worked example and more information on the link. When you know what is going on
you can change what you do and it will often make a difference.
Traps for the unwary
It is hard to take responsibility for resolving the
conflicts you are in. It is much easier to blame the other party or pass the
monkey to someone else, like your boss. If you can get that person on your side
you can "win". If you are trying to help people resolve conflict it
is very important to push back the responsibility to resolve the conflict to
the people involved.
One manager would put the parties in a room; tell them how
he would judge they solution they produced and leave them to get on with
producing one. It was their problem.
Unresolved conflict can meet emotional needs. People like to
have appreciation and nice things said about and to them (in Transactional
Analysis "A Warm Fuzzy") but if you can't get a warm fuzzy (positive
attention) then the opposite, criticism and nasty things, a "Cold
Prickly", (negative attention) is very much better than no attention at
all. Having a fight can get you noticed by others and being in one at least
means someone knows you are there!
A story
I worked with a couple that had violent rows (US-fights).
They said they wanted their relationship to be better but week after week they
rowed in front of me. Eventually I got it. They did not want to stop rowing;
they wanted to have someone notice how good they were at it. When I
faced them with this they initially denied it and then grudgingly admitted it
and left arm in arm. People are so complicated!
In an earlier ezine I described Team of Two that is a simple tool to improve
cooperation between pairs of people. It works well when there is reasonable goodwill
on both sides. I have tried to use it where there has been a long history of
conflict and little goodwill and it has not worked. I fell for the demand for a
"quick fix" and my need to be a "magician".
Resolving conflict can take a lot of time. You may have to
listen to both sides separately before you can bring them together and if
attitudes are deeply entrenched, you may fail. Then it may be best to minimise
the interaction or leave the relationship. Good listening can help people learn
and grow so they are less likely to get in the same difficulties again.
There is an article on www.nickheap.co.uk about Team Building between Teams and much in the
re-evaluation counselling literature too www.rc.org One of the key principles is that
people must feel good about themselves in their own group before they are
willing to hear from another group. I have some designs for conflict reduction
workshops. If you would like to see them, just click designs and tell me the
context and I will send you something.
I
plan to cover the subjects below in the next ezines. Which, if any, appeal to
you? I always welcome your feedback.
Cultural Awareness
Designing learning
events
Developing your
people
Improving
working relationships
Stimulating creative
thinking
Thinking tools and
processes
Tuning up your mind
If you have any
particular developmental interests, you would like me to cover, please let me
know. I will try to respond if I can.
Commercial
I am a
facilitator of change and development in organisations. I recently reviewed the
work I had enjoyed doing most and found that I enjoy helping people in organisations find creative
ways to be more productive. That means saving money, making it or having more
strategic impact. I like working in a way that maximises my impact and that is
usually with senior individuals or teams. The best people to work with are
open-minded risk takers who care about people and want to change their
organisations for the better.
If you want to
contact me, call +44 1707 886553, or email mailto:info@nickheap.co.uk If you want to read
about my work, or ideas, or read back issues of the ezines you can also visit http://www.nickheap.co.uk/ I always enjoy informal
chats.
Many of the
readers of this newsletter are consultants themselves. I have learned a great
deal from other consultants over the years so I am glad to have this
opportunity to offer something back.
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Using these
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This will help these positive ideas to spread, and help my business,
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Best wishes,
Nick Heap
43 Roe Green Close
Hatfield
Herts AL10 9PD
UK
01707
886553
Web, with
many resources: www.nickheap.co.uk
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